Contact with narc-ex

[TitaniumTess]

A year-ish ago everyone was super helpful on here ref advice. I was stuck in an emotionally abuse relationship that had worn me right down. I had asked my ex to leave Oct 20. He finally left Apr this year.

I am much happier. This house is calm. I don't run from it scared now. I have nearly finished the Freedom Programme. I've done lots of DIY to make the house look different and everything is sooo much easier generally. :) My 4 yr old is much happier too. We can relax.

My child visits their Dad twice a week, staying overnight. My rationale was that I didn't want them to not have a Dad and he can be 'fun Dad' for short periods of time. He just used to have a short fuse for the un-fun bits of parenting.

The issue I have is that at drop off and pick up, my ex either.....1) tries to get back together. 2) completely blanks me. 3) shouts at me / criticises me etc. In front of child and the neighbours' kids. The latter makes me panic due to learnt behaviour living with him. I never know which one is coming so have a massive adrenaline rush beforehand.

I've blocked him on everything except WhatsApp for child comms reasons. I've also got cctv on my house to make me feel safer.

Recently it feels like it's flared up again. It tends to with some drama or other every few weeks. He has just paid his first maintenance payment and my friend told me he had started a Facebook petition about how it wasn't fair. He appeared at the school gate when my parents were collecting our child from school. This just upset my child who was crying.

My ex is also making drop off take 15 mins. Big hugs...crying.....stopping the car...more hugs....it's agony. Everyone is upset.

He was WhatsApping and Whatsapping me at work last week....he is quite relentless when he starts. I was starting to panic at work.....so i blocked him. He texted that we should go to family lawyers as he wants half custody. Because it's not fair.

I don't think that's the right answer as I don't want my child moving around more than he already does and my ex hasn't even bought underwear / pjs so I am sending everything via bags. I did most of the childcare when we all lived together. My ex did a lot of gym and biking and left us two to our park trips/ days out.

I am waiting for trauma counselling and reading a book about healing from narc abuse. I am trying to heal and move on.

Does anyone have any tips on how to stop the panic? The bottom of my feet hurt. My fingers tingle. My throat hurts and I feel like I go dizzy and can't think properly straight. It's un fun. He still gets to me.

I feel like a year on, this should be a lot easier than it is for everyone. I also feel he should stop making it hard for our child by appearing where he's not due and also that he should make drop off less painful. Thanks in advance xxx

He is doing all this on purpose! It is all carefully calculated to keep control over you, and let him feel like he still has the power.
Who is crying at drop off? Him or the little one? If it's him, laugh and say "silly daddy! You'll see him on a day"
As for stopping the car, how? Unless he hurls himself across the bonnet, drive off!
If he says he will go to court say "ok" and leave. He won't because he doesn't actually want half custody - that would mean he would have to actually parent, not be Disney Dad.
It is hard, he spent years "training" and conditioning you to dance to his tune, but you have come so far! Keep going lovely!
When you know you have to see him, plan some responses in advance for what he might do it say. You know you will feel stressed, anxious, but remember, Nobody Else Knows! Practice being calm on the outside, grey rock, castle wall around you. Every time you've done it so far, you have made it through and been ok!
It sounds like some kind of formal arrangements might be better re his visits though, then he can't just turn up unannounced. You could just laugh and say "silly daddy doesn't know what day it is! X is his day, not today" (easier said than done I know, while you still feel vulnerable around him)
Every time you get through a handover, every time you do something for yourself, every time you look at his smug twatty little face and think "Fuck OFF you utter cockwomble " in your head, is another step out of his control and into your independence!

Co parenting with a personality disordered person (wherever on that spectrum they are) is incredibly difficult. Mine was not as troublesome when dd was little, he's highly litigious, and so it seemed fine and easiest that he would see her. The problems were always between the 2 of us. As she got older though....his manipulation tactics have come out in his dealings with her. And there lies my error. I cannot remove contact easily. The problem with these people is that on paper they can spin it like 'I'm just so upset I dont get to see my child often' 'I thought it was a different night I had them' 'im struggling with the break up of my family', their long term emotional abuse tactics are complicated and often involve them being the victim.

On keeping your cool. You aren't long out of the relationship so it'll take time. You need to 'grey rock' him. Do not get 'involved' in his drama spin. Whatever he says keep your face blank but pleasant. You never react emotionally. Keep your voice bland. Leave that for counselling. Eventually they realise its blood from a stone. You are a dry well. He gets nothing from you.

Re comms. Never reply to emotive stuff. Only ever reply to the logistics stuff. Again keep it blank and boring. Dont reply to significant issues over text. Email only. Email prevents the usual instant back and forth of texting. Texts are just daily logistics.

The rest like drop offs. It takes a while but you need to be coldly strategic. If he starts kicking off at the doorstep eventually you do something like drop kids at the end of the street, say bye, watch them walk to the door and go in.

But all of that takes time and emotional distance. In the meantime do what you can to make your responses bland and emotionless. Dont get hooked into an emotional dialogue.

Hi, sorry, i had replied to this but it must not have posted.

He does drop off so keeps stopping his own car. So draws out the goodbyes.

You're right about the grey rock. He then shouts that I can't even communicate but I guess I need to convince myself that I don't care about his opinions.

Thank you xxxx

Grey rock. Take your DC straight inside at drop off. Wave once, then go.

Only respond to logistics messages about DC.

Mine ex is a narc, only way to be is to be boring to them.

@TitaniumTess yeah the bit where it goes over your head is just a matter of time and healing. I recommend Richard grannons talks and self help materials.

Not sure if this would escalate things - but could you send him a formal warning letter asking him to behave? That if he makes handover upsetting for your child, you may have to review current contact arrangements in the interest of your daughter's wellbeing? And one to think about - perhaps start wearing a bodycam? That way he knows that his antics will be on record?