Would his past behaviour/cheating bother you?

[MatchedR]

Slightly complicated past with my partner, so here's the timeline for explanation.

3 years ago - met him in a bar, dated six months, then I dumped him as didn't see future (him still going through messy divorce). We remained friends (his choice mainly) I started dating a new man and told ex shortly after, to make clear we were over (he still seemed keen). I distanced as wanted new relationship to work out. It didn't, remained lose friends with now partner.

A few months later, having never really lost contact, now partner and I started sleeping together again, rather than just being friends. However, unbeknownst to me, he had started dating a new woman whilst we were split up and was in a relationship with her. When I wasn't with him he would see her etc. They split a few months later (she dumped him). Around the time they split, I was asking now partner whether he wanted a relationship with me or i said I wanted to start dating again, I no longer wanted the casual relationship.

Since then (another two years) he and I have been together, although there were a lot of ups and downs the first year or so. We are in a good place now and seem to be very happy together.

My question is...when he and I were friends but sleeping together, I had no idea he had a girlfriend, or I wouldn't have been sleeping with him. In effect he lied for several months about what he was doing some evenings etc.

The only reason I know is via a mutual friend. Would you just leave this all in the past, bearing I mind I've also dated etc since meeting partner? The issue for me, is that I didn't lie about having a relationship whilst we were split up, but it seems he did. I feel like I can probably just bury this all and not worry about it, I do worry about the lying though.

This may not be a common view, but o believe lots of people have made mistakes in the past, so I would probably judge him on his current behaviour. If you feel you can trust him now then go with that - don’t feel you HAVE to worry about this stuff in the past.

I don't know.
It would be an issue for me, and together with the 'ups and downs' in the first year would make me feel insecure and not happy in the relationship

Refreshing @Lovelydiscusfish, and I agree! It's nice to see someone posting something constructive to the OP in this scenario rather than the insults they usually get.

Everyone makes mistakes and has a dodge past, some worse than others (mines worse!)
He had come out of a messy divorce, his head would have been all over the place and he would have been unsettled - he's settled with you now. You both ended up together despite all the ups and downs and breaks - obviously it's worth fighting for and could be wonderful! Try to forgive and don't look back. Fresh start. x

Everyone makes mistakes, sure, but the red flag I see here is the fact she finished with him rather than the other way around. In other words, if she hadn’t he presumably would have been quite happy to continue having you as the OW on the sly. That kind of passivity - giving into your appetites but taking no responsibility for them - is not a good character trait. Forgiveable, maybe, in an immature teenager, however less so in a mature man as it’s more likely to be ingrained.

I’d be asking why his first marriage failed too, to be honest. Was he unfaithful to his ex too? Or does he paint her as a “crazy ex”?

I don’t think this is clear cut.
It was a long winded story of you and him casually hooking up over time. Until eventually you ended up in a relationship.
Back in the earlier days - the only reason you told him about your new relationship at the time was to stop him pursuing you. (As you said in your post).
If, during your casual phase - you were clear with him that, while it’s not a committed relationship, you are only having this causal arrangement with just him and expect the same in return - and he confirmed it - then I think you could be rightly annoyed about him being dishonest.
But if that wasn’t the case - then I don’t think it’s fair to take the past as some sort of indication of a character flaw.
By definition - being in a casual arrangement assumes that you are NOT in a relationship. And that means you are free to do whatever you want with others and not have to discuss it.

If it bothers you anyway - ask about that time. See what he says. He should be able to tell you the truth now. And if he didn’t - then I’d be actually concerned.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me ; situations change, people change. I would judge based on how this relationship is working now. But I expect this will be a minority view on this board.

If he had lied to a previous partner but not me then I wouldn't be as bothered because I do believe people can change. But I'm not sure if this man has as essentially his lie is the reason you're together. It's not clear cut to me.

Sorry posted too soon. I think had I found out he was seeing someone else and I had become the OW that would have been me done at that point.