I'm going to try and keep this a short as possible but still try and give you an idea of my situation...
I've been with OH for 6 years, after year 1 he moved to Germany for work, was out there for 3 years and has been back the last 2 years.
The last 2 years have been hard! I feel like I'm clinging on to this relationship and it's becoming more and more difficult to stay.
Hes an a-hole. He's never been violent. But he's controlling and jealous and I have learnt recently that he's probably one of the nastiest people I've ever met. And trust me when I say, I've met some right "see you next Tuesdays"!
I can't talk to him about things he does that upset or annoy me as I'm "just being sensitive", if I argue back with him I need to "stop acting like a child and grow up" or if I disagree with a decision he makes I get "we're not having this conversation anymore, I've said no. Simple as. End of." He's kicked me out numerous times. Throws things in my face at every opportunity. Told me to leave my job when I gave birth to our first child together, he earned enough money to be able to do that comfortably. But I loved my job and I was hesitant, however, I did as I was told. He bought a house an hour away from where all my family and friends were and I didn't have a car so he bought one for me (in his name). If we argue then I can't use the car. If I spend money on something he doesn't think is necessary then he likes to remind me of how much I cost him when I wasn't working and how he paid for all the birthdays and Christmases for all the kids and without him I wouldn't have anything I have (I am fully aware that I have nothing! Everything I "have" is his, and he doesn't let me forget it).
I have 4 children, 2 from an ex partner and 2 with OH. My eldest children are teens and youngers are 3 and 1. I've had to have words with OH over the last year about the way hes treating the big kids, he only talks to them to tell them off. Doesn't acknowledge them when they're here (they spend 4 nights here and 3 with dad) and whinges about doing things as a family (which means ALL of us) as its too expensive to do anything with the big kids too. I won't have that, and they are included, but he will be miserable all day and just ruins anything we do with his bad attitude.
It was my DS 1st birthday last month. 2 days before I had a work night out (I've recently started working again), just food and drinks. I said I was going to get the last train home at 11.30, but my boss wouldn't allow this and booked me an uber on the company account for 12. On my way home I had text off OH telling me I was "shady as fuck" because apparently no company would fork out £60 just to get their employer home safely. I had work the next day, so left him sleeping in the mornigng and went to work. I then had texts telling me not to come home that night, I said ok, I'll grab the kids and go stay at a friend's. He told me no, I couldn't come home but I couldn't take the kids. And I couldn't see my son the next day (on his 1st birthday) because I should have thought about the consequences before acting shady as fuck. I argued, tried to reason, and even begged him to stop being so nasty and he was having none of it. In the end I just went back home, didn't mention anything, and acted as if everything was normal. And he did the same. But for me, that was the straw that broke the camels back. I'm still here but I'm planning to leave, I just don't know how to.
We argued tonight, which is what brought me here now. I was talking about my works Christmas party that they do in Feb. It's in London and it's an all expenses paid for event. I was talking about the photos I'd seen from last year when he said "you're not fucking going so get that out of your head now" I laughed and informed him that I am. It's booked, and I'm driving up and the company are paying me for doing so (on top of the days wage that they're paying us to travel there), he then started kicking off about me driving HIS car there, how it doesn't matter about them paying me because it won't compare to the wear and tear and if I'm going to go and act like a single woman I can do it by my own means and get a train. I don't understand how I'm acting like a single woman!
So back to the main point. I work, my two youngest children are in childcare 7.30 - 6pm Monday to Friday. I drop the kids off, travel to work (in the same area I used to to live) and OH picks the kids up at 6 as I don't get home until around 6.20. How do I leave? I can't just up and leave because of work, I need the kids in childcare. I can't leave and drive up to drop the kids off in the morning, that would mean waking them up at 4 to get there on time and not getting them back to wherever we'd be staying until close to 8pm. it's just not practical. I don't want to ask for time off work as I've only recently started. Plus I'd need to take time off for the transitioning of current nursery to a new one.
A friend said I should call womens aid. But I'd feel like a bit of a fraud tbh. He's an a-hole but is it really abuse? Would I be wasting time that someone in genuine need could be using? Plus, if I did, I assume they'd put me up somewhere like a hostel? But I work and I know family hostel prices here are crazy money! I couldn't afford that.
The council aren't great. If I'm not homeless they won't do anything.
To private rent a 3 bed house in the area I'm from and work would cost me over £900 a month in rent alone. I get paid £1400, I couldn't afford for us to live after bills.
I'm also really worried if I do leave that he'll threaten me with the kids. He'll use them to hurt me. What if he has them one night and decides he's not going to let me have them back?
I feel like I'm stuck here and there's no way out.