How do you know if your the abuser?

[anonymous311113]

I feel like I've been told so many times it's my fault and it's me doing this that Im starting to believe it. That he wasn't this was before me and that im nasty vile evil. That I make him want to kill himself. Tonight I rang his dad as I couldn't cope anymore and wanted him to leave. It caused them to have a fight. Is that something an abuser would do ruin relationships between others? I feel like I can't think straight anymore.

If you are an abuser, you need to leave him, for his sake.

If you are not the abuser, you need to leave him because he's a gas lighting bastard.

Soooo...

I think it's common, for the abuser to portray themselves as the one being abused. I know my abusive ex certainly did and it was extremely convincing, but with the benefit of hindsight I'm damn sure that I wasn't the problem in that "relationship."

I'd echo @HirplesWithHaggis, though. Either way, it sounds like it's not a healthy relationship and it would be wise to leave him. I think with the benefit of distance from him and the situation that you'll have much better clarity of thought over whether you really are the problem or not, too.

We are separating. He's still living at our house. Tonight he said he'd put our DC down as living with him on an application that would affect my application and I reminded him that their main residence would be with me so he couldn't. He then said I was trying to take them away from him but it's not the case we've agreed contact etc I wouldn't want them not to see him. I do have concerns about his mental health and that's why it's not quite 50/50 which is what he agreed.

My abusive ex also used the threaten to kill himself because he knew it would frighten me and make me 'toe the line'. I know he made a couple of (extremely half-hearted) attempts when his next girlfriend didn't fit in with his demands, too. It's quite a common way for an abusive partner to frighten the other party into submission.

OP, look up gaslighting on Wikipedia. It absolutely sounds like this is what your partner doing.