Pregnant and partner keeps going out

[Tam111]

I am currently 22 weeks pregnant and I don't know what to do about my relationship. My bf has always gone out and often not told me where he is/ignores his phone all night and comes back the next day saying he was with such and such... he lies about whether he is going out and somehow "bumps into" people and ends up in the pub when he is out doing something like band practice. It fills me with anxiety every time. I get so stressed knowing he is not looking at any if my messages, just swiping them away and being online talking to other people. It makes me feel insignificant. I've said this to him over and over.

I used to deal with this behaviour by going out myself or having a glass of wine at home to relax but obviously I can't. I thought being pregnant he might stop but he is now using it as am excuse saying he is scared and needs to blow off steam.

On another note, incase anyone thinks I'm mad or wonders why I'm even with him when he does this, when he is not going out he is the perfect caring partner. Does lots round the house, is excited for the baby to come and generally cares and looks after me so well.

I mostly feel like I'm banging my head against the wall trying to explain how it all makes me feel. I sometimes wonder if he is even okay or hurt somewhere or worse. I never know where he is till the next day. He comes home like nothing has happened. If I scream and shout he acts like I'm unreasonable.

I feel lonely and a bit sad because obviously my life has changed so much already but he just carries on. All my friends still go out drinking too so I stay home alone alot.

Just wondered if anyone else has been in this situation and what to do. I really don't want to break up. I believe he will be a good dad. Its just everything goes out the window once he is out drinking and it hurts.

Sorry to hear he’s being a twat op- if honestly he’s really great the rest of the time, my first thought was could it be alcoholism or drugs.. If everything else is rosy why would he continue without being able to avoid a drink/pub/friends. In any case it’s not acceptable. You need to talk to him in no uncertain terms and I suppose say if he can’t change this, you won’t hang around forever.. if he’s scared about the baby coming this isn’t a good way to deal with it & it’s not helping him prepare for it at all so I think that’s somewhat an excuse. Are you sure there’s not another reason he can’t refuse? You need to talk to him and be very clear. Good luck xxx

How often is he away overnight and uncontactable? Because my first thought was he’s married.

How often does he go out?
Where is he sleeping or is he staying up all night and then sleeping at home all the next day?
If he's staying up all night there is a possibility he is taking drugs as well.

He may be a good dad, let's hope he is. You can be great parenting partners.
That doesn't mean he has to be your romantic partner.

He isn't unaware of your feelings, he just doesn't think they are as important as his.

Get yourself strong on your own two feet, and you will be ready for romance when you meet the right one. This guy isn't it.

I used to deal with this behaviour by going out myself or having a glass of wine at home to relax but obviously I can't.

That’s not a very healthy coping mechanism… and it won’t work when your baby is here, either. Has your whole relationship been like this? He does what he wants, and you distract yourself?

To be honest, even if he’s the perfect partner 60% of the time, that wouldn’t be enough for me. He seems to have no willpower when it comes to going out, no desire to be with you instead or let you know, and he can happily disappear all night, ignoring you.

Screaming and shouting at him when he gets back doesn’t sound healthy, either. To be honest, none of this relationship does. Although I appreciate that’s much harder to see from the inside…

I really don't want to break up. I believe he will be a good dad.

Nothing that you’ve said supports this. But if you don’t want to break up, your only real option here is to accept it and presume that it’ll carry on the way that it has. Prepare to do most of the parenting yourself. Keep your job, if you have one; so you’re not reliant on him financially - if you already are, look at what options you have to fix that now.

I’m 34 weeks pregnant so I do understand; but honestly - As the pregnancy goes on; your tolerance for this type of thing is going to drop massively, let alone when the baby is here. And this sounds like it was dysfunctional to start with.

Do you have much of a wider support system?

Unfortunately, your ‘but in all other areas he’s great’ logic has allowed you to sleepwalk into a pregnancy with a self centred twat.

This is who he is and it doesn’t sound like he wants to change.

Pregnancy and fatherhood are seldom the catalyst for growing the fuck up, that some women think they are.

Why on Earth are staying home alone rather than going out with your mates? You can drink non alcoholic drinks. You are are choosing to exclude yourself.

But your partner doesn’t sound great to be honest. You need to have a grown up conversation. Say the actual words you have said here a d gauge his reaction. You made the baby together (and whilst you knew what he was like) and you need to tackle this together

He isn’t going to change. This is who he is.

He might change a bit initially but then the excitement of the new baby wears off and the drudgery of nappies and exhaustion hits he’ll be off out again. First it will be to just ‘wet the baby’s head’, then whatever else. So he won’t really be a good Dad.

Why as women do we hang around waiting for (some) men to change? Or thinking we can change them?

All that will happen is you’ll end up resentful and exhausted from being the default parent whilst claiming he’s a good Dad because he might change a nappy. He isn’t being responsible. Potentially he is going to act like his life hasn’t changed, as so far that’s exactly what he’s doing.

He stays out all night, doesn't tell you where he is and ignores your messages? And lies about going out? And everything goes out of the window when he is drinking. People on here are often too quick to tell others to LTB but in this case I can't see an alternative. This behaviour is unacceptable in a partner and you should not put up with it a moment longer.