Was I in an abusive relationship?

[Characterbuilding]

Bear with me, I’m divorced for around a year now separated for almost 5. A friend of mine expressed concern that some of the things I described as normal in respect of my marriage were not and stepped in with an intervention, she definitely saved me but I’m struggling to process everything. I’ll try to give some examples from the marriage. I still feel so broken and confused.
My ex husband would leave a specific cupboard door open in the kitchen and tell me either I had left it open or he didn’t know who had opened it. Over time I began to question my sanity and become upset. Simultaneously he would control the volume the television was allowed to be on - even numbers only, he likened this to my problem with the cupboard door. Except I didn’t have a problem until he repeatedly left it open and denied doing it??
He used to hide or move things, this over the course of time caused me immeasurable mental anguish.
He minimised things in a way that made me feel stupid. For example my friend gave me a bike for my eldest, he took it without asking and then made me feel ridiculous when I said he stole it.
His gambling addiction meant our house was in a state of disrepair and invested with mice, the mice he would tell me I imagined hearing and seeing, this almost broke me. With four children, no hot water downstairs, no working oven (only hob) and untold other problems I developed FND (functional neurological disorder).
Christmas 2019, although separated I allowed him to join us for Christmas and to come over to see the children. Unbeknownst to me he gave my mum who was with us for Christmas Day a time he was taking her home (she was meant to be staying over and fell out with me because he told her it was my request) my kids were upset she didn’t stay and later after he had dropped her off he started pressuring me for sex, I cried through the sex and the next day was in a daze, he made me a cup of tea and for some reason I threw it all over my face. I don’t really understand what happened, soon after I was under the mental health crisis team.
Another time he came to see the children and I had my hair in a plait, he said I was asking for it because I know it’s his favourite hairstyle he caught me alone in the kitchen and began touching and rubbing himself on me despite me begging him to stop. There’s more but it’s upsetting to write it down. I still fell ill thinking about it but don’t know if it amounts to abuse? When I finally put boundaries in place and wouldn’t let him in the house he tried to kick in the door. Co- parenting with him is so hard and I can’t stop ruminating. Anyone else got through this? I feel so pathetic.

Oh he sounds awful. Yes, it's definitely abusive. I mean abuse can be anything that deliberately makes u feel uncomfortable and unsafe, particularly in your own. This is on the worst.most callous side, as he treats you as a thing, rather than a person with your own autonomy and free will. It was not a good marriage, and you are better off without.

I really don't know what to suggest about moving forward though, would love to say that there are lots of provisions out there to help and support you, but it does depend a lot on where you are. The main thing is that you are out of this marriage now, and have a lovely friend who cares about you, and was willing to put herself on the line to help you move to a better life.

How is he with the kids, does he project any of this worrying, abusive behaviour towards them? I would have a hard time trusting a man like that around my kids, but I know how hard it is to prevent any contact at all.

Dear OP I am so sorry for what you were going through while with this man, but I am surprised that you are asking IF this was abuse. I was getting goose bumps just reading about it, felt like watching a horror movie. It is good that you are out of that relationship and that you have inserted healthy boundaries, but in order for you to heal, move forward and to make sure you do not end up in a similar relationship I think it is very important for you to get into counseling. I hope you can afford it.

Thank you for replying. My friend is amazing and helps me step outside myself and see things for what they really are.
My ex was very conniving and had somewhat of a dual personality, anyone who met him would never believe the things that happened. He seems harmless, unassuming and very charming. Everyone including my family loved him and I became very insular and isolated.
He has a superficial relationship with the children. My 18 year old can’t stand him most of the time and has limited contact. My 14 year old was his “golden child” and replicates a lot of his father’s behaviour, he worships him. This is very difficult, much of this behaviour was normalised in our house and I feel guilty that I was complicit in creating a dysfunctional household for them and now I have the task of rebuilding us all.
My 11 year old has separation anxiety and doesn’t like to be away from me, the 5 year old loves daddy but doesn’t really remember us together.

My ex sees them every other weekend and one day out of that they get to watch him play football. Everything revolves around football and he communicates with the boys about little else.
I try to grey rock him and we only communicate via email about pick up times. It’s very hard to keep a lid on my feelings of hurt and despair but I do.
He is either vague or non committal about return times with the kids. It’s his way of still controlling my free time 😔.

I felt sick reading your description of things he did. Completely abnormal and abusive. The cupboard thing is gaslighting. Thank goodness you have got away.

I still struggle to trust my own mind, many years of being told “you misheard, misinterpreted or are over sensitive” has left me a shadow of myself.
He wasn’t actually a real person, I fell in love with what he had the ability to be but never was, all the while he slowly ground me down until I felt I’d never survive without him.
I’ve been such a fool. I know looking back doesn’t help but lack the skills to enjoy anything now and just feel numb.

My aunt gave me some money when my youngest was a toddler to open her a bank account £250. He said he would do it, he went to the bank but didn’t take all the necessary documents. He told me he would hold onto the money and do it another time.
After a few months I asked him if he had done it. He looked flabbergasted, told me he had returned the money to me in a blue folder in our lounge. Very specific with the details. I knew this hadn’t happened but somehow I still searched everywhere. He would say “this is the same as when you lose your glasses and keys, why don’t you have a designated place to put things?” It was like torture.
Another time I had done all the school forms for my daughter starting primary (lots of supplementary forms) that needed to be delivered to each school. I put them on top of the printer in the front room. They were gone. I was beside myself with the deadline looming and tore the place apart. I called him and it was the usual “your fault - unorganised” I told him I was going to look in the loft as ridiculous as it sounds because there was nowhere else to look. He said not to and he would come over later to help. He found them in the loft, somehow he explained they must have got jumbled up with some Christmas things. The penny started to drop then.

Some extreme gaslighting there.

My heart goes out to you op. This man is disgusting and abused you in many ways. Made me feel sick reading of the things he's made you endure. Don't ever doubt that he is an abuser!

OP this is classic gaslighting and the nice guy persona is very common in abusers. So sorry you’ve been through this. You’ve done the best thing for your children. I suggest IDAS/ womens aid for counselling and advice. They have seen it all and sadly your story isn’t unique. Take time to look after yourself now, and do not feel you have to invite him to anything at all. I wouldn’t have him anywhere near me or in my house. I would get an hours free legal advice from 3 different solicitors. Then consider options. You do not have to endure any more of this.
I say this as a survivor of similar who has heard many similar stories. I put up with too much at the time, I look back and am glad of the times when I stood my ground, made boundaries and got support.

Thank you everyone, writing this down is quite cathartic.
Exhausted - glad you have come out the other side of this too.
I had a non- molestation order in place for a year (he didn’t like the boundaries I put in place and starting making life hard). I know I’m out of it, getting on with things and providing a more stable, safe and financially secure environment for the kids but I don’t feel any better for it, I’m still functioning on “high alert”. Maybe I just need more time.

Everything that was wrong with that relationship was his fault and you are definitely not a fool.
He was being deliberately vile which is abuse.

You poor thing. Your story is very similar to mine.

It’s absolutely normal,, when you have been on thr receiving end of psychological abuse for many years, to feel that you are losing your mind.

What you have been experiencing is long term cognitive dissonance - the tension between everybody thinking your husband is great, and your own experiencing of abuse and manipulation inside the house. That causes you to doubt your own recollections, and you feel that you are losing your sanity.

This will have done some long term damage, and you would benefit from counselling. Women’s Aid as pp said are the real specialists, so suggest starting there. A standard counsellor will not understand, yo7 need someone wh9 understands and specialises in abusive situations.

Btw I am two years out and just starting to stabilise now. It takes a long time, so don,t put pressure on yourself.

What you have been experiencing is long term cognitive dissonance - the tension between everybody thinking your husband is great, and your own experiencing of abuse and manipulation inside the house. That causes you to doubt your own recollections, and you feel that you are losing your sanity

YY that’s exactly what happened to me. By the end of our marriage I was recording what he said to me on my phone ( unknown to him ). Just so I had proof that it happened and I wasn’t crazy.

He lied and lied and lied about everything . Big things and small things. Pointless things.

He lied as easily as breathing.

It nearly broke me.

So many of your experiences resonate with me, thank you for sharing them. Deep down i knew it wasn’t a normal relationship, but it helps to get some validation. He was the one I turned to for comfort and reassurance when my mental health starting declining. When I look back now I realise it benefitted him for me to be unstable and vulnerable, unable to look after myself or the anyone else. It’s very sinister.
Womens aid did provide me with support at the beginning and I’m part way through the “own your life course” but I think specialised counselling might be necessary. It still feels surreal.
@Walkingwounded I definitely think I’m suffering from some long term after effects, Glad to hear you are stabilising now. It sounds like it’s been a difficult journey.
@GenderAtheist my ex could also lie as easily as breathing and about insignificant and important things alike.
@User983590521 thank you

This sounds horrible and hard OP. Im so sorry. And yes abusive. Though sometimes i wonder how useful it is to say that phrase as then you can get into victim story spiral rather than feeling like you are strong and can handle it (speaking as survivor of parental DV). He is an abusive dickweed rather than you a victim if you know what I mean. Find ways ways protect yourself against him. Have you considered therapy or coaching? Hope you can free yourself from him as much as possible. And wishing you strength and peace

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. You've been through unimaginable horror with that man. Almost a textbook example of gaslighting. I can't imagine how awful this must of been for you to endure. I am so glad to hear you are out of his clutches and gaining your independence back. Take care of yourself lovely.

What a scumbag

Yes, it was abuse. You should read the book 'Gaslighting' by Stephanie Sarkis.

I've been in an abusive relationship and grew up in an abusive home so I know abuse when I see it.

Thank you for all the replies, in some ways it didn’t seem like abuse whilst it was happening because it was very gradually and just became the norm.

Think about it from his point of view - what was he doing and why?

The things he did could have no other purpose than to confuse and distress you.

He was doing that intentionally, which is abuse.

Very true User, towards the end it was as if he had no human empathy at all. It’s a void for him.
After spending many years trying to get him to see how his actions have affected us and seek help for the gambling or feel remorseful, I began to realise that was NEVER going to happen. So instead of waiting for him to have an epiphany I made my own peace with it, accepted who he was and got out of the marriage.
I found a lump under my DD5’s armpit a few months ago that needed scans, bloods and investigations to rule out cancer. It was hell going through the appointments worrying and waiting (we know now that it’s a cyst thankfully and will be surgically removed) at the same time he decided to take a golf trip and report back to the kids all the fun he was having.
Yet when he lost partial hearing in one ear and they had to rule out a brain tumour as the potential cause (it was a viral infection in the end) both sides of the family rallied round, private MRI was organised, his father cut short a business trip. This due diligence and support naturally applies when it’s him.
There was no mention of activating his medical insurance I know he has for DD if necessary, just nothing from him (or his family) But that’s just who he is.