How do I make my wife feel beautiful?

[helpthishusband]

I would really appreciate some advice.

My wife has always had low confidence about her appearance. Sadly recently it’s been at rock bottom. Sometimes she will start crying saying she feels ‘hideous,’ fat, and wears clothes that hide her body. We never have the lights on during sex.

This lack of confidence affects her beyond how she thinks about her appearance too. She seems less happy and confident overall and dreads going to events if she thinks she’ll be the ‘fattest’ one there.

This has been going on a long time. And I’m at a loss about how to help her feel better about herself.

I compliment her reguarly (both about her appearance and her qualities, specific compliments as well), geniunely find her very attractive, make an effort to generally try to make her feel good about herself, and do things like send her to a spa to help her feel relaxed.

I know it isn’t easy and that there isn’t a silver bullet. But any advice on how I can help her feel better about herself would be much appreciated.

If this is a problem that pre-dates your appearance in her life then it's possibly down to messages that she was brought up with in her family. Could you talk to her about that? Is there any way she might consider going to counselling for herself?

Thank you crosshatching. I definitely think that’s a part of it. Her family’s nickname for her - fatass. Horrible I know. We have spoken about it in counselling, but you’re right it seems like some more may help.

OMG the poor, poor thing that's terrible. It's definitely worth speaking to a professional, with such a casually cruel nickname it won't be just weight issues impacting her sense of self. Is she still in contact with the family? Are they adding to the problem?

@helpthishusband

Thank you crosshatching. I definitely think that’s a part of it. Her family’s nickname for her - fatass. Horrible I know. We have spoken about it in counselling, but you’re right it seems like some more may help.

What?!

Well start by speaking up against that! Next time someone says how about saying 'do not ever call my wife that again, it is extremely hurtful!'

To be clear I have raised that with them and they've stopped.

It's very difficult to do in my experience. The long term impact is deeply ingrained with my DW, nothing I have tried is effective, if anything my opinion is now ireelvent when it comes to how she perceives herself. No answers I'm afraid, but I share your pain, and I'm so angry at what caused the effect in the first place.

Maybe some CBT type counseling for her to retrain her brain. CBT can help Body Dysmorphia.

Compliments are good but if your partner doesn’t like themselves you can support her but not fix it yourself. I wonder if anyone could recommend something which has helped them change their mind set.

I had a lot of counselling due to an emotionally abusive childhood. In the end the counsellor said to me that I could cut contact with my mum (who was/is the problem) if I wanted to. It took me another 7 years, the death of my father, and the birth of my DD before I managed it. But I will never forget her saying that to me. If you read the infamous "stately home" threads you will see how radical and positive the change can be in adult survivors of emotional abuse when they eventually do go no contact.

Maybe this is something that you can empower her to think about and obviously support her in if she does choose to go down that route.

CBT therapy might help her. It teaches you to identify and challenge negative thoughts. And I'm sure your support is doing far more good than you realise.

Do you have children? Obviously pregnancy and childbirth take a toll on the body but often the process of becoming a parent brings childhood issues that have been pushed down back up to the surface. I'm really cross on her behalf.

It's sounds daft but maybe just back off slightly with the compliments. I know if I look like shit/feel like shit and someone compliments me I automatically think they are being disingenuous and it gets my back up
Also, there is no nice way of asking but.....is she likely to be the biggest woman in the room? If so mindlessly telling her she isn't fat won't help, she has eyes and most likely weighing scales! Again, she won't believe you if she feels you're not being honest (I speak from years of experience, I was often not only the fattest woman in the room but the tallest so I stuck out like a sore thumb)
Rather than complimenting her generally possibly find something other than her weight to focus on? Does she have amazing skin, great legs, or a brilliant smile? Maybe try and take the focus completely off her weight and see if that helps.

Christ her family sound awful. She might feel a lot better about herself if she stopped spending time with them tbh.

But there’s not much anyone else can do if she can’t see her own beauty. We always end up focussing on the few negative things rather than the many positive as they weigh heavier.

Just keep doing what you’re doing, being loving and kind, don’t make her feel awkward about putting on lights etc (we have a candle so it’s not completely dark!) and make sure she has some clothes she likes, even if they’re the ‘cover up’ kind they can still be attractive. My favourite dress is like a massive tent but I love it as it’s a beautiful pattern and colour.

If she is able to have her hair done and do her make up nicely etc that will help with her confidence (as will a properly fitted bra by Boob or Bust method!)

Thank you all for all your advice. To pick up on a few points -

• She is actually incredibly close to her family and they bring her a lot of support and joy. They just needed to realise the pain it was causing her (I am not excusing it to be clear!)

• I always think of her as curvy, that’s how I see her - and the type of woman I like! I think she is a size 18/20

• With the above, I do often blame myself somewhat for how she feels. I find myself thinking if I was a fitness freak, would that help her be slimmer? It’s probably not fair or logical but I feel guilty.

• I make sure she goes for regular treatments like nails / eyebrows etc

@GlamorousHeifer (what a great name!) it is a possibility yes. I don’t try to pull the wool over her eyes, I compliment things like the clothes she is wearing or her hair

Well I'm guessing that unless she is incredibly short she is very unlikely to be the biggest woman in any room!
I feel for her, my nickname as a child (up until I was 28) was 'fatty'. My dad had to describe me to someone once as they didn't know if they had seen me or my sister.....his response was if she is fat it's GlamorousHeifer! I have dark hair and my sister is blonde but he chose my weight as my only distinguishable feature and happily told me about it! That was when I was 28, I lost my shit at that and it didn't get mentioned again.
As you can probably gather from my username I will never, ever be the smallest person in the room BUT I now own that shit! I do my makeup, wear nice clothes and get my hair and nails done. I can genuinely say if someone doesn't like what they see they can damn well loom the other way! How old is your wife? I found most of my confidence in my early thirties and once I got a bit it seems I got more and more without trying.....that's just me though. Hopefully she'll make some kind of peace with herself eventually.

Firstly, Yey for you for being a loving and supportive husband (they seem to be in short supply on MN!) Secondly, you need to ask HER….what makes me feel good about myself will be different to what she needs…Finally, you cannot MAKE her happy or confident. We are all responsible for our own happiness and I think she needs to continue in therapy (possibly on her own) to figure that out. You sound like a thoroughly decent person though and I wish and your wife much luck xx

Oh dear. My family had a childhood Nick name for me that, while not as bad as your dws, certainly suggested I was rotund. I recently was looking at pictures of me on holiday as a child, a particular time and place I distinctly remember feeling like I was fat. I wasnt, I was perfectly normal, just not bean poles like my siblings. I was 6.

Feeling self conscious about my weight has been a lifelong problem however and I believe is the reason I have always bounced between bmi categories. The only time I stopped thinking about it was when I was In the healthy weight bracket a couple of times, the relief was wonderful.

Also I have found getting older and having children has helped, almost like it's ok at my age and life stage to be a bit heavy.

Maybe the end of lockdown has incresed her anxiety, being thrown back into society.

For the moment I would just carry on doing what your doing supporting her, loving her and reinforcing the fact you love her very much.

Has your wife tried any forms of excercise, maybe something to do together which doesn't rely on others being arround, such as a home gym or walking dogs.

She's obviously got some amazing qualities because you sound enamoured by her.

I had the opposite problem, due to a illness where at times I lost too much weight, that affected my confidence terribly and didn't like my husband seeing me undressed.

I hope things improve but your wife knows deep down it is something she has to do.

What she doesn't need is the fat shaming bastards that contribute to her problem.

Well, you sound lovely. Sometimes women simply do feel better about themselves when they’re a weight they feel comfortable with and there’s nothing wrong with that unless they have body dysmorphia or are trying to be too skinny. Is there a specific size she has been in the past that she would like to get back to? If she has been trying and failing to lose weight and that is important to her, perhaps help her find a nutritionist who can help her rule out any problems such as hormonal (thyroid, PCOS) that may be hindering her from losing weight. They can also make some small tweaks to her diet which wouldn’t be overwhelming or restrictive. Hormonal conditions are often related to low moods so it may be that compliments and spa treatments aren’t what she truly needs. Things like walking and gentle weight bearing exercise is best for weight loss. You could encourage her to take this up with yourself as a way to do something positive together.

Take a look at Hannah Alderson, she has some great reviews for her programs that really help transform how women see themselves.