Simple as that really. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard, but I am. I'll try to give a bit of background and will try to keep it brief, so much has happened but I'll be here all day if I wrote it all down. I've had to namechange as I previously had a long thread on here after I discovered a pretty bad betrayal. My husband found it a few months later and read it all and went mad that I was 'posting our private business to a load of internet randoms'.
In our 30s, together since teens, 2 children (one is at secondary school). We muddled along quite happily without any major issues, it's only the last few years that issues have started to come out and at first I was so desperate to keep us together I thought we could overcome anything together but I'm just not feeling that way any more.
He can be quite intimidating during arguments. He's never hurt me physically (nor threatened it) so I can't even explain why I feel scared but I do. He shouts very loudly and has been known to throw/break things, once he kicked the TV and smashed it but that was about 4 years ago now. Things turned really nasty back in the summer because I went out to visit a friend but lied about where I was going (I realise I shouldn't have lied, I did it because we were having issues and I wanted to go and talk to this friend and I knew he didn't like me talking about our issues to other people), I told him I was visiting a family member. A couple of days later after a family funeral I got home and he confronted me about lying where I had been previously, he had checked the tracker on our car and got very close, shouting in my face and demanding my phone from me, this was in front of our 10 year old child.
Around 2 and a half years ago he developed feelings for a colleague, I'm not sure whether to call it a crush or an emotional affair as nothing ever happened between them but he definitely let it affect our relationship, there were things like constantly googling her name and photos of her saved on his phone, writing her a letter about how lovely she was (I dont think he ever sent it, but still). I was devastated but I loved him and wanted to make it work so I tried to get past it.
A few months after that I caught him on fabswingers, he had an active profile and had been messaging women talking about meeting for sex. I'm 99% sure he never actually met anyone (but of course I'll never know that for sure and who knows what would have happened if I hadnt caught him when I did) but still, the intent was there and it was just another betrayal, another kick in the teeth after I had forgiven the colleague thing. I made him leave for a few days but I was a pathetic weak mess and I took him back.
We're now 2 years on from that and for a while I felt like we were doing OK and were happy again but if I'm really honest with myself, I was kidding myself. People told me at the time that I would never look at him in the same way again and they were right. I don't feel I can ever trust him 100% again, I sometimes wonder if he ever goes on hook up sites but the worst thing is, I don't even think I care very much. I feel like if I caught him again, that would be my excuse to end it. I've spent over 2 years kidding myself that things could change and I could be happy with him agan but I've accepted now that wont happen.
At times though I just feel a crippling sadness that we've failed. At one point we were so happy, I married him so I obviously at one point thought we would be together forever. I came from a broken home and I never wanted that for my kids. I loved him so much, it's so sad. But with everything that's happened it's like it's just numbed my feelings for him. I don't think I could ever feel that way about him again. I hate my life most of the time, I feel constantly anxious and on edge.
Please be kind, I know what I need to do but I'm finding it difficult for reasons I'm not even sure of myself. I'm scared he'll try to make me move out and leave the kids with him. I've worked all through the pandemic and now I juggle my busy job alongside being a mature student, meanwhile he hasn't really worked properly in 2 years (apart from the odd freelance thing once or twice a month). I'm quite concerned he'd use this as an excuse to be the main carer. But then again my eldest child has told me they don't want to live with dad any more, they want to live with me. Says it all really doesn't it. I know what I need to do. Just wanted to get this out and I've had really good advice from here before.