Husband is making me go insane!

[Myheadhurtz]

Ok so I'm going to try and keep this simple.
DH and I have a DS (3) and although it has been challenging we both have been in the mindset of having another, we just didn't know when.
We ramped up the baby talk the last few months and decided to start trying.

On the week that we were going to start he sat me down and told me he doesn't want anymore kids. He gave his reasons and I reassured him of his doubts. Fast forward the next day he said he was being silly. At that point I told him him he broke my heart and we need to work on communication before we try cause clearly we weren't on the same page. We agreed to leave it as it was, to give me time to forgive him.

For the last couple of months we were in a good place and he kept asking me when we'll start trying. So finally this week I said lets do it, we have been trying all week but I could tell there was something wrong and questioned him on it. He gave me half arsed excuses saying he doesn't like how it's so structured and planned. I argued and said that's the whole point we are planning on having a child......

Turns out he's changed his mind again, said he's happy with how things are and doesn't want anymore kids. I flipped the lid, said it could already be too late, told him how I can't stand him, how cruel he has been.

He said he needs to work on himself and then maybe he might change his mind, like wtf!

I'm at a loss on what to do, has anyone been in a similar situation?

On the week that we were going to start he sat me down and told me he doesn't want anymore kids. He gave his reasons and I reassured him of his doubts. Fast forward the next day he said he was being silly. At that point I told him him he broke my heart and we need to work on communication before we try cause clearly we weren't on the same page. We agreed to leave it as it was, to give me time to forgive him.

I'm a bit confused about this.... It sounds like he had some doubts, told you them, you discussed it. He decided he was actually still up for it. But you felt you needed to forgive him. At that point I have no idea what you were forgiving. He'd done nothing wrong. Anyone at any time can have doubts. It doesn't like he'd strung you along. He had doubts and was honest about them. Nothing to forgive.

Then you decided you neded time before you would be ready to TTC.

Now you're ready he isn't sure again.

Is everything else good in you relationship? Or could it be that things aren't too great and he now feels as though the sex is just to make a baby? That can be very off-putting and even damaging to a relationship.

I understand everyone can have doubts and he is a very anxious person and hates change, I understand that.

I did forgive him soon after, I suppose it was that needed time to trust that he was 100% sure and he wasn't going to change his mind again. I was also worried that he was only saying he was back on board just to keep me happy.

Everything else is great in the relationship though he understands he needs to work on his communication, he's a very guarded person. His doubts only came to light because I felt something was off. I wonder when or if he was ever going to tell me.

If you say he does not like change, having a child is one of the biggest changes in life!
Talk to him. Do not get upset. I do understand that you are, with all these yes, no, doubts...
But you need to let him say what is bothering him. I have the feeling he wants a child, but having scheduled sex is not his thing (understandable), and he may be worried about the sleepless nights, endless bottles, finances, childcare..... it is hard work. And to cope with a child and a baby would worry me indeed!

I think you both need to work on communication tbh.
The things you say to him “told him he broke my heart”, “give me time to forgive him” and “told him how I can’t stand him. How cruel he is” are incredibly hurtful and over the top towards a partner who is simply unsure whether he wants more children. I can’t see what he did that would require forgiveness in any way? And the fact you use these verbal hand grenades only when he is expressing that he does not want children, tells me you are pressuring him.

Stop ‘trying’, just have sex. It’s the old fashioned way. It’s more spontaneous. Your DH will feel you are having sex because you want him, not because he is the means to an end. Eg a baby.
He won’t say no I’m sure.

He doesn't want another child.

You have to decide if 1 is enough and work on your relationship OR if you will end the relationship in the hopes of meeting someone else to have another.

But he hasn't been honest with you, so there will be a lot of work involved if your relationship is going to survive if you choose that route. Good luck.

Sorry op, I know it must have been hurtful when he said he had changed his mind the 1st time but your reaction seems really harsh. Surely it's better that he was honest about how he felt about something so huge, I don't understand what needed forgiving

"he doesn't like how it's so structured and planned."

You are very quick to dismiss this as half-arsed and argue back with your point but perhaps listen to him instead. It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on him - structured and planned is probably putting him off / freaking him out. Maybe you need to try a more relaxed approach.

Let's see...... he is guarded, anxious, insecure.... and doubtful about wanting a second child. You, on the other hand, seem totally focussed on having another child, and you are argumentative and dismissive of his doubts.

Neither of you manage to communicate very well - he because he can't cope with you arguing your case, and you because you seem to feel that pressurising him is the way to go.

What could possibly go wrong?

(NB: I don't think he really, truly wants another child...)

It's all about you and what you want.
Your not listening to what he wants, or doesn't want.
He is entitled to say he doesn't want another child, better that than pretending to go along with it then leave you in the lurch.
You sound like your forcing hin into something he clearly doesn't want.

I see a lot of you are thinking I'm the one putting pressure on him and think I'm focussed on having another baby. It was a mutual thing and I would go as far as saying even more so him. We sat down again tonight and he tried to explain his side, he says he's happy with how things are but would also be happy if I got pregnant but he doesn't want to try?
I'm just so confused.

We have great sex btw but he doesn't like how there was a reason to have sex i.e to get pregnant

Sounds to me like he wants to not plan it, so no protection, but not planning sex round fertile periods, just relaxed and if it happens that's fine but also fine if it doesn't. You could ask him if that's what he means.

I can see what PPs are referring too, it's very full on saying he broke your heart and needing to forgive him. It doesn't sound like a relationship that's in a good place.

If he doesn’t want planned sex for conceiving but is happy with normal sex life with no contraception, just go with that.
It is possibly the pressure he feels to perform on command, rather than sex as a natural part of your relationship.
Good luck

My DH didn’t like knowing when I was ovulating. He said it felt to structured and he’d rather just not know. So I just didn’t tell him anything about it. We just had sex and he thought it was spontaneous.

We agreed to leave it as it was, to give me time to forgive him

Forgive him for what? Being honest with you?

It sounds like you’re haranguing this man into have another child when he’s making it very clear that he’s having massive doubts.

He has the right to say no to having another child.

I feel sorry for this guy.

Not a great environment to bring a child into

Poor bloke. I can't imagine how belittled and not valued I would feel as a partner if someone said they were needing time to forgive me simply for voicing my genuine concerns and opinion over such a huge joint decision.

Im waiting for your next thread on erection failure...
Poor guy. Stated his needs and you went off the deep end. How to train a guy to not say what he wants.