I don’t fancy my H any more. Can this be ‘fixed’?

[Jaguarshoes]

I would go as far as saying he repulses me sexually. Apart from that he is a wonderful husband, father and friend, he pulls his weight and would do anything for me. I don’t know why I feel like this but it has been creeping up on me, I have not enjoyed sex with him for many years but still did it because I believed that that’s what you and perhaps there was something wrong with my libido. In fact there isn’t anything wrong with my libido. I used to put it down to tiredness, stress etc etc but ultimately if I am honest with myself I simply do not fancy him. We’ve started couples counselling but not sure if it’s helping.

Has anyone been in this situation and found a way back to enjoying sex with their partner again? I’m worried about where this is heading.

Leave him, you can't help how you feel but he deserves better than this. Poor man, I feel quite sorry for him. You can't force yourself to fancy someone and he deserves to be fancied. If you stay, he will only live half a life as it were.

We can't choose who we're attracted to. The world would be a very different place if we could.

Leave him, he deserves someone who loves him and wants to be with him.

You deserve to be with someone you want to too.

Why have you lost attraction? Solution depends on that I would assume

Do you need more time to rediscover and connect, does he help out at home etc?

I think if you want to try you need to think about why you fancied him in the first place. Have you become parents rather than lovers?
Could you start doing a hobby together or go away for the weekend?

It's not always as easy as just leave!
There are finances and children to consider!

I don't think you can come back from feeling repulsed about something.

I'm guessing there is no intimacy or closeness outside of the bedroom?

I couldn't imagine sex with my exh while we were married because there was no other real emotion connection between us.

I can't do one night stands for the same reason, I need to feel a connection before I can shag someone

@cocochanel99

Why have you lost attraction? Solution depends on that I would assume

Do you need more time to rediscover and connect, does he help out at home etc?

I don’t know, that’s the thing. If only I could work this out. He does more than his fair share at home. We’ve tried going away, spicing things up etc but I don’t think it’s helping.

How wonderful it would be if it was as easy as just leaving and both of us starting new relationships where everything is rosy for the rest of our lives.

There’s isn’t much closeness outside of the bedroom anymore, no. We are best friends. Maybe that’s part of the problem. I do think he’s good looking but I just don’t desire him at all.

I suppose my hope was that people who have experienced this and found a way back to each other would give me some hope.

How long have you been together OP? What age are the children?

@Sillawithans

Leave him, you can't help how you feel but he deserves better than this. Poor man, I feel quite sorry for him. You can't force yourself to fancy someone and he deserves to be fancied. If you stay, he will only live half a life as it were.

I feel awful about this, obviously. He totally deserves to be adored, he really is a lovely man. Leaving also isn’t a very easy thing to do when there are kids, a history, friends and house to consider. I suppose I’d like to try to resolve the issue first.

@IfIHadAHeart

How long have you been together OP? What age are the children?

15 odd years, 3 kids late primary school age. Probably known him 20 years and were close friends before getting together.

OP I could have written this a year ago. Couples counselling followed by sex therapy and a real commitment from both of us to make time for each other and work at our marriage has got DH and I away from the brink of divorce (and no sex at all for two years). We are actually connecting again for the first time in years and although it's baby steps I am very hopeful that a full and satisfying sex life will become a normal part of our relationship again. I would have laughed in the face of anyone who suggested that could be possible this time last year. So there is sometimes a way back.

And your circumstances are very similar to mine.

@bicnod this gives me hope. Did you also get to the point of feeling repulsed, and do you now feel genuine desire for your husband again? Do you mind me asking what the sex therapy entailed?

When one of my friends had this, their therapist put a total sex ban in place for at least 6 months. That allowed them to focus on their other issues and took the pressure and guilt off her. It worked and she really, truly was repulsed by the idea of sex with him for a while.

You can get it back, i don't think the solution is necessarily just to leave. That's not what I'd do anyway.

@Jaguarshoes I will PM you

@Heepers

When one of my friends had this, their therapist put a total sex ban in place for at least 6 months. That allowed them to focus on their other issues and took the pressure and guilt off her. It worked and she really, truly was repulsed by the idea of sex with him for a while.

You can get it back, i don't think the solution is necessarily just to leave. That's not what I'd do anyway.

Wow, 6 months.

@Jaguarshoes - I appear to have PMd you the same message about eleventy billion times so apologies for that