What am I Doing Wrong?

[whatthefrickinhell]

I suppose I just need to vent or ask if I am the only one who feels like this.

I am at the end of my tether with dating. I am in my mid 40s, OK looking and slim, fairly intelligent with interests and things I can talk about.

I'm quite independent and would be content to take see a partner once a week if we were busy.

Every time I go on a date and like someone (which is rare) it is not mutual or they date me for about a month and then dump me.

I took some time out from dating and looked at what I was doing wrong. With the most recent person I met in the summer I put some subtle boundaries in place, we went on a date, he seemed interested and then ghosted me.

I just don't know what I am doing wrong. I am going to be on my own for Christmas again. How do people manage to have relationships? It seems like they have alluded me.

I probably sound desperate but I don't chase, over text or ask men out.

It reads to me like you are pigeonholing what you need from a relationship where passion and feelings do not count!

If you meet the right guy you will be wanting to see him every minute of every day IMHO.

I think you perhaps need to relax more and let things happen instead of placing boundaries before you even get to know someone? Relax a bit more.

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, I just think you are limiting yourself and your options. Try asking men you are interested in out? You’re not a toy in a shop passively waiting for that one special buyer that wants you. You’re a fierce and independent lioness on the hunt for a decent lion with nice hair.

Start being more proactive, ask someone out. Then text them.

I took some time out from dating and looked at what I was doing wrong. With the most recent person I met in the summer I put some subtle boundaries in place

Could you explain what you mean? What did you think you wee doing wrong, and what boundaries did you put in place, and how?

The short answer is the only thing wrong with you is that you believe something is wrong with you. That belief screws up your choice of partner, your behaviour within relationships, and how your relationships end.

I don't chase, over text or ask men out

You're basically saying 'I want x, but I never ask for it. I just expect it to drop in my lap.'

Thanks for your replies.

I am happy to be the first to message on dating apps. I prefer not to be the one to do the asking out but make it obvious I am interested. I will text back but not chase if I don't get a response. So pretty standard really.

As for setting boundaries, it was just making it clear what I'm looking for. I am not looking for anything casual but I'm not looking to immediately jump into a relationship. I also won't send sexy/revealing photos to someone I've never met.

Been OLD on and off for years, I can honestly say that I've never been asked to send any, or received any sexy pics. How can this be? Well, I'd say if you are getting them, you've not screened them well enough. It's sometimes obvious where they are at by what they say in their profile I find. So, I never base a swipe left or right just on a pic, read up on them first and if not said much - well they are just not bothered are they, so go no further?
Best to know if compatible before liking someone.

I think you perhaps need to relax more and let things happen instead of placing boundaries before you even get to know someone? Relax a bit more

For goodness sake, that's not how boundaries work.
You don't adjust them according to who you might want to date!
You decide what they are, & stick to them.

OP - some men find women who know what they want intimidating.
There men are not the men for you.
Stick to your boundaries.

a fierce and independent lioness on the hunt for a decent lion with nice hair.

- Brilliant. Really cheered me up. Cheers Plan.

Yes, hair on a man is always a bonus but nothing wrong with baldies

just making it clear what I'm looking for. I am not looking for anything casual but I'm not looking to immediately jump into a relationship

Anybody who is looking, ultimately, for a serious relationship may be put off by this. The 'immediately jumping' bit (and not wanting to do it) will be taken care of by the health of the developing relationship: if he rushes you, you tell him you want to go slower, or you move on to somebody new. It's not something you need to state at the outset, and more than saying 'I refuse to date anybody abusive'

Boundaries are something you do, not something you say. You might be filtering out the very ones you're trying to find.

@whatthefrickinhell the same has just happened to me, I'm the same age as you and sound in a similar life position. I'm feeling really quite shit about it, if you fancy some solidarity and mutual support then send me a message

@Tisahardlife - thank you, that's really kind. I'm on the Mumsnet app so I don't think I can message. I am sure I will pull myself together and be Ok. I hope things go better for you