Conversation about old fashioned household dynamic?

[Whatsthatspookynoise]

My partner and I were joking around about something and he said "This isn't the olden days or you would actually do more housework" and I said "Yeah and you would pay all of my bills"
He replied "No, that's not how it worked" I said "yes it is, how did you expect women to buy food for the household, pay her bills, buy clothes for herself and her children etc" and he actually replied "No, women didn't need any money". I was just gobsmacked to be honest. He works (makes good money) and I get universal credit as I'm a stay at home mum to 2 kids. The youngest is 21 months. I try to clean as much as possible, but my partner working from home is awful. He is SO dirty and it's a nightmare. He refuses to believe that he doesn't clean up after himself and believes that he is the tidiest person on earth. I tidy every single day and just feel defeated with it. He pays the rent, I use my UC to pay water/gas/electric/council tax and all food plus with what little I have left is for other things we might need. It isn't much, but it covers my bills. I don't expect him to pay for me or give me money, but he still expects me to do everything! I even had to regrout our bathroom tiles which he moaned about!

I am absolutely fine with taking on the chores since I don't have a job, but he seems to think doing the whole house and taking care of children is just soooo easy compared to sitting on the sofa on his laptop doing work, which I get is also stressful. I'm not sure if I need to just try harder or if he should help a bit on weekends or something?

Sorry...how are you allowed to be in UC if he makes good money?

So was it a joking around conversation or not?

So apart from paying the rent, he pays nothing else, does no housework or diy. Does he do his fair share with the dc? Cos it sounds like he does fuck all. Get rid, get UC to pay the rent and basically you're on a winner as you won't have to clean up after him, put up with his moaning, and you'll reclaim your sofa!

@Happypicture

Sorry...how are you allowed to be in UC if he makes good money?

So was it a joking around conversation or not?

I did wonder this.

So I'm really not sure why I get UC still. They know we are together and exactly how much he makes as I can see it all on my account. I've also spoke to them sooo many times to make sure I'm entitled to this money. No lying or hiding anything. I know when I stared claiming I was also the carer for my brother. But I no longer am.

The conversation was serious, just started from something we were joking about.

His money can't be that good if you get UC

You should have equal access to money - what does he do with the rest of his?

He should help with chores and children when he is not working otherwise, when do you get a break?

He is wrong. Women got ''housekeeping'' from their working husbands to run the household certainly as late as the 1980s. They had to budget to run the house, buy clothes and food and the childrens' things out of that money. Often women also had some work, even in ''the olden days'' as your ''partner'' put it. That was for working class, working people - not on benefits. I don't know about how it worked for middle class women.

Does he not get that the "man" paid for everything???

Sure there was CB to include but they paid for it all.

In many cases the woman took all the money and gave the man back a few shillings to go to the pub at the weekend.
He should be doing house work at weekends and after work. Does he put dc to bed, give them a bath etc.

My fil handed his total wage packet to mil. He got some back for smokes and odds and ends. The priority was rent food on the table clothing the kids and the other bills.

This can't be right

It’s not very funny. I’d bring it up every time someone was around. Did you know dp thought that in the olden days when it was assumed women stayed home with children that the husband didn’t pay for anything, the women just stayed home and also paid the bills and fed the family on magic dust??
My grandma had a secret engagement because being engaged meant she lost her job, as she had a man to provide for her now. To provide for her.

You getting a significant amount of UC whilst your DP earns good money is certainly something you need to look into

However
He is SO dirty and it's a nightmare. He refuses to believe that he doesn't clean up after himself and believes that he is the tidiest person on earth stop doing it. Seriously. Or take photos and show him what the mess was and what you did if it's hazardous to your kids. But I'd drastically cut down to the bare minimum what I did for him if he's convinced he's doing it all himself.

He pays the rent, I use my UC to pay water/gas/electric/council tax and all food plus with what little I have left is for other things we might need so he's paying one bill on his good wage and you're paying for everything else Inc I eclectic everything for the kids? You don't need a shared bank account but you do need to sit down and talk money. It should be equitable not "well I get lots of spending money cos I work and you just play house"

@timeisnotaline

It’s not very funny. I’d bring it up every time someone was around. Did you know dp thought that in the olden days when it was assumed women stayed home with children that the husband didn’t pay for anything, the women just stayed home and also paid the bills and fed the family on magic dust?? My grandma had a secret engagement because being engaged meant she lost her job, as she had a man to provide for her now. To provide for her.

he actually replied "No, women didn't need any money surely he means that he thinks the man paid for the food, the man paid the bills, the man paid for the extras and their happy little wives just smiled contentedly and didn't ask for anything.

My parents were a typical family at that time, ie the 60's. Mum never had a job after they were married. Dad got good money, and he paid all the bills . He gave Mum an amount which she called "housekeeping" and out of that she paid for all the groceries, and anything we needed like clothes or school expenses . But if she needed more she'd just tell him something had come up . The money was family money, there was no argument about it.

I imagine that the man paid bills etc at that time because only men could deal with the banks. I know the banks were very sexist at that time, so I think that Dad had the cheque book and he'd pay the bills.

Dad didn't do any housework, mainly because his job kept him away for about 12 hours a day. Women at that time did all the housework and child work, but she never seemed bothered by that,and she always said that Dad worked hard so we could have a good life. Which we all did have.

Your husband is not correct - he is twisting the "facts" to suit himself. If he wants to live like "in the olden days" he'd better make sure he pays for everything , not just the rent !

You don't claim UC. You have a joint claim for UC which will take into account his income as you are considered to be a household. Your UC is a top-up to his low income. The income is all meant to be shared by you as a household. Not he keeps the bill of it and you struggle on the top-up!

When I was growing up In the 60s & 70s, all of the men in the family handed over their wages to their wives & were given spending money back. That was pretty much the norm whether the women worked or not.

@SleepingStandingUp the op was pretty specific that he didn’t mean the man paid for all the food! * and I said "Yeah and you would pay all of my bills"
He replied "No, that's not how it worked" I said "yes it is, how did you expect women to buy food for the household, pay her bills, buy clothes for herself and her children etc" and he actually replied "No, women didn't need any money".*

Women have always worked.

The idea of some time in the past when women were all at home with kids and dinner on table and man went off to work everyday and did all the earning and that was all etc makes me think of USA telly like bewitched or the ads with woman in pinny and fancy frock, heels.

The fact we were restricted from working in various ways eg after marriage, when Pg, doing various roles etc wasn't our choice!

Ask him which specific part of ye olden days he is talking about.

I doubt you'll get a sensible answer given he thinks women live outside the capitalist system! I'm not sure how anyone could think women don't need money! Unless he means the erm. Before the 80s when we couldn't get loans. Or bank accounts maybe? Things like that. Or before that when we were property and if married anything we had belonged to husband?

Does he do much with the kids?

@RockinHorseShit

When I was growing up In the 60s & 70s, all of the men in the family handed over their wages to their wives & were given spending money back. That was pretty much the norm whether the women worked or not.

One of my friends does that so he doesn't spend it all in the pub. He's paid weekly.

Child benefit was paid to woman for this specific reason. So if bloke was shit they would have something for kids.

As pp have said, talking to my grandmother who had to give up work when she married my grandfather (he was in a profession where wives weren't allowed to work), the norm for a lot of men in those days was to hand over all their wages to their wives (who were in charge of the family budget) and receive spending money back for pub and cigarettes. I think if the family were better off with money to spare, that's when the wife would get "housekeeping money".

Your partner sounds both awful and a bit dense, sorry. Would you really be significantly worse off without him given your UC claim would increase?