Stopping being co-dependent

[WellItsAJourney]

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and inner work this week. I've come to the realisation that I'm co-dependent. I shrink myself instead of saying what I want to in my marriage.

Yesterday was a classic example - dh was late for the firework display. Instead of me saying - I'm actually annoyed with you that you're late as you went for a haircut, I told him I felt guilty that my friend was waiting. He was already stressed and we had a row. I went ahead and left him at home.

But I do this a lot. I don't say my feelings. I beat around the bushes instead of just coming out with it. I bottle my annoyances so they turn to resentments and when I do speak up I don't do it in a direct way. I had a horrible childhood and had a couple of abusive relationships. I'm not in an abusive relationship anymore, I am fully able to say DH you've annoyed me but I can't do it because I feel scared of upsetting him. It's not him, it really is me. He is not abusive, but I act like he is and that annoys him.

I need help! How do I start to say what I mean instead of laying on a guilt trip. Has anyone got experience of this? I care about upsetting him more than I care about my own upset.

I had the same problem. I had counselling, and my lovely counsellor sent me off after one session with the instruction to listen to my feelings, all the time, for the whole week. Didn't involve any changes of behaviour, nobody knew I was doing it, and although it was new, it was actually easy.

And it's REALLY enjoyable, after so many years of putting my feelings on the back burner, to think that in every single situation, this was about ME. MY experience, MY needs, MY wants, MY happiness. Wow.

Once you start to do that, the behavioural changes develop on their own. You'll hear the word 'No' come quietly and peacefully out of your mouth. You'll hear yourself say 'I don't like this', and 'I'm not happy right now', and then you'll hear positive things, like 'I'd rather...' and 'Why don't we do it this way instead?'

But don't focus on the script; the words; 'what to say'. Focus on feeling what you feel, and being super, hyper aware of it. The words will come in their own time, and it's a lovely process to go through, watching yourself develop healthy boundaries.

You will also recognise, I imagine, that none of the things you like/want/need, are anything dramatic or unreasonable. They won't be about controlling anybody, they won't create arguments or stress. And you'll be able to bumble along, quietly happy. That's what happened to me, anyway. Hope it does for you too :)

Thanks @TheFoundations what did you do with the feelings. Did you make a note of them or did you just constantly think - what am I feeling now? I'm glad that really helped you.

I didn't do anything with them, that was the beauty of it. It was simply a process of heightening my awareness of them, instead of habitually silencing them. So, just constantly maintaining an awareness, which isn't the same as thinking; thinking is the problem, really, when we should be relying on our feelings to guide us. Thinking is the bit of us that's been conditioned, that follows rules, that says 'should'. Feelings are the wild bit of us. It's sort of being aware of your physicality, in a way. You know when something is wrong because you get a sinking feeling, or when something is good because your heart leaps. You know when something is embarrassing because you get hot and you can feel your redness.

I'd always known that stuff was happening, but I'd never given it any importance unless it was really overwhelming. It's about noticing, increasingly, the subtleties of your... sort of your 'animal' self.

Once you key into it, it's not something you want to let go of. It's like finally being listened to after all those years, but it's you who is listening to yourself.