My life and everyone else’s. Why?

[Tillllger]

I’ve become so sad and bitter and lost.

I had a very early miscarriage. Shortly afterwards my partner left me. I met someone a few months later, only to find months later that his timeline for settling down was 6 years away, despite him being late 30s I had to end it, I was crushed, I had really fallen in love. I’m 37 in January.

My sister is 30, has a baby, a husband, a lovely home. My best friend is the same, with two kids.

Since June, five people close to me have announced pregnancies, three engagements and I’ve attended two weddings (alone). These span from friends to colleagues.

I feel angry, bitter, sad, hopeless. I have therapy, I try to focus on my work, I try and keep busy. I am online dating but my enthusiasm is at rock bottom now.

What did I do wrong. Why haven’t I had any of these things? Why do I watch others live their lives while I’m at the sidelines? I don’t think I’m massively different to others, I’ve got a job that pays reasonably well, I have friends, I’m at least average attractiveness, though obviously older now. I feel so left out.

I’ve had enough. I don’t know how to get through the days anymore.

I can’t bear doing things like going to the shops filled with families. The family packs of food everywhere. The cheaper travel costs for too. The cheaper bills when you share. The way people see you as a career bitch when you’re this age and single.

I’m so unhappy and feel totally hopeless

For two*

Rather than online dating how about regular singles holidays? That way you are meeting other people like you who want to be in a relationship

A few of my older friends have been having babies on their own OP, one of them told me she's never met a man who would be a good role model for her child, they were all awful, a few years down the line they are all really happy.
I brought up my son completely alone too and I wouldn't be without him for the world.
I don't believe there are any more "princes" out there quite honestly.
Have you thought about having a baby on your own? It was the best thing I ever did.

@beautifulview tried that. I try and be sociable in everyday life too.

I’m just now deeply unhappy that my life is so so far off what everyone around me seems to have.

I second doing it on your own. The quality of guys is just crap. It’s a selfish world these days

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I have thought about it but it’s not something I’d want to do which I know means accepting being alone potentially always. Did you do that?

I just don’t know where I’ve gone wrong.

Keep putting yourself out there.
It can happen in the blink of an eye.
You can meet someone who wants the same things as you one day and be married a year later. That's what happened to me. Two children later and a happy marriage. Just keep on, you sound lovely.

@HeyMoana

Keep putting yourself out there. It can happen in the blink of an eye. You can meet someone who wants the same things as you one day and be married a year later. That's what happened to me. Two children later and a happy marriage. Just keep on, you sound lovely.

@HeyMoana thanks. Someone said this to me when I was 30. It’s nearly seven years later and no change, just a lot of pain and sadness. Broken relationships. I’m so exhausted

Sorry for your loss. You've been through a tough time of it. I hope this is ok to ask, but have you considered going it alone and having a baby by yourself? I'm asking as I ended up as a single parent when my baby was 3 months old (left my abusive partner), and whilst it is not the 'ideal' for many people, my child had a very happy, balanced childhood and has grown into a lovely adult. Yes, it was tough at times, but no tougher (in fact maybe easier) than having an unsupportive partner. I'd rather have the baby than wait for the perfect partner, tbh.

You need to look at accepting what you’ve got right now.
You’ve got a job, and I assume a home.
You want a partner. That may or may not happen.
You want a baby. If you can afford to do it alone that could happen.
But most importantly you need to work towards being happy alone, just in case you are, as nothing is a certainty.
And I can assure you that there are lots of people in relationships and marriages, that are very lonely.

[quote Tillllger]@Shehasadiamondinthesky I have thought about it but it’s not something I’d want to do which I know means accepting being alone potentially always. Did you do that?

I just don’t know where I’ve gone wrong.[/quote]
Yes, all the men I met at that time were just awful. Really awful. I had my son and then met my husband when he was 17. I was much more relaxed then and not actively "looking" and there was no pressure to get pregnant, this made a huge difference to my general attitude and I could have fun rather than thinking is this the one, I need to start trying for kids right away.
I think women are making a huge mistake waiting for a man to come along before they have a child. It was absolutely the best thing I ever did and I'm so happy to have my boy, although he's 37 now.
Me and his wife all live together in a multigenerational home and we're very happy. It made more sense for us to do this as we have more finances available.

I think women are socialised into thinking that we're all going to end up with that picture perfect life of husband, house, 2.5 kids and picket fence.

But, how many women actually feel they've failed at life if they don't have a great career, complete financial independence, a noble prize or Olympic medal, or great skin. We all seem to pick at the one thing that isn't really that much in our control - meeting someone and having a family with them.

Like pps have said doing it alone should be a viable option if you're financially secure. If you do want to meet someone - do you know why that isn't working out? Falling in love with someone before you understand their timelines seems naive - you would have wasted a lot of time and energy and taken yourself out of the dating pool for no reason. If all your relationships are similar - where you don't vet men enough before committing years to them, every break up will just leave you more hopeless and drained. Do you think there's any patterns in your dating history you can break?

Getting bitter obv triggers a vicious cycle. As being bitter means decent men don't want to be around you, and that makes you more bitter. So a big attitude change is important. Bitterness comes from thinking you're owed something and by not having it, the universe has been unfair. You aren't owed anything, the chips fall where they fall and understanding that your life is the result of YOUR choices is the first step to being more upbeat.

Dating does suck but it's also a numbers game. So a certain amount of thick skin, resilience and optimism can go a long way.

@todaysdilemma I agree the chips fall where they fall, but it makes me feel bitter to know I’ve dated with a positive attitude for YEARS. Literally. I’ve been bouncy and happy and glamorous and thick skinned

I’m 37 soon. Nothing has changed for me in all this time except I’ve had horrible relationships that were bitty or I was messed around or, crucially, they didn’t want to settle down. All this time my friends and colleagues have totally different lives filled with all these things I would do almost anything to have.

It’s not even like I devote ALL my time to dating. I have my own interests and things going on. I feel defeated though.

There you go - it's the relationships you've been picking. Because you CHOSE those men who were terrible or completely unsuited. So it doesn't matter how enthusiastic you were about dating if you picked men that were absolute rubbish.

Not every relationship will work out, true. And lots of people will have one awful relationship. But it's not healthy to have lots of them. No wonder you're exhausted and angry! So I would start by unpicking why you chose the men you did, what lessons you can learn about yourself and boundaries and how you can start having healthier relationships.

The partners we end up with aren't a glitch in the system. It's because we allow them into your life. And the more toxic shitty people you allow in, the more they run your peace and suck away the positive energy. Don't be bitter, introspect and understand what patterns you need to break to have a healthy long term relationship.

What did I do wrong. Why haven’t I had any of these things? Why do I watch others live their lives while I’m at the sidelines

Your problem is that you're blaming yourself. It just happens this way for some people. It's the same as how the fox that gets hit by a car wouldn't be making sense to say 'Why me??', because it's just as likely to be that fox as any other, and it's got to be somebody.

There are people out there who have it better than you, and me. There are people out there who have it worse than you, or me. We, and everybody else, apart from 2 people (the one having the happiest life and the one having the saddest) are somewhere in the middle, with some good stuff going on, and some bad stuff. It changes as we go. You are in a low bit right now but there's nothing permanent about it.

You can make it permanent, though, by adopting a 'Why me? What have I done wrong?' mindset. If you come at the world with an 'I'm faulty' feeling, everything will look skewed to the negative. You are normal, you are average, you, like everybody else, do not have all you want in life, and there's nothing special about that.

In this situation, I would have a baby on my own if i could support it