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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was I in the wrong?

6 replies

Struggling1702 · 06/11/2021 08:54

After some advice...

Ex and I separated 2 years ago now, (still not divorced but that's a whole other story), have 2 kids, 10 and 6, eldest has anxiety and was seeing a counsellor last year but seems to be managing it better. He sees the kids EOW and one night a week.

About 3 weeks ago I discovered that ex was having his girlfriend sleep over with him when he had the kids, but the kids weren't allowed to see her so they were told not to go in his room during the night or downstairs in the evenings etc. The kids didn't know he had a girlfriend, hence keeping them separate. Anyway, I raised safety issues with him on this and said either don't have her there or introduce her so the kids can get to know her and not feel uncomfortable.

So 10 days ago she met them, all good... This week kids go to his overnight and come back the next day and tell me she's now living there. So they have met this woman once, didn't even know daddy had a girlfriend until 10 days ago and now she's in their home.

So this is the part where I need to know if I'm wrong. I spoke to him (very calmly and reasonably btw) about it and said I didn't think his decision to move her in had been made with the children's best interests in mind, that it was too fast, and that I think he should have had the courtesy to at least tell me so I knew how to manage the children when it then got mentioned.

Anyway, he's gone mental at me, I'm getting abusive text messages saying I'm severely out of line. He has a history of emotional and financial abuse so I'm pretty scared now as to what is going to happen. Was I wrong? Should I have just not said anything?

OP posts:
DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 06/11/2021 08:58

You don't get to tell him who he lives with, unfortunately.

So, sort yourself. The divorce. Any financial and access arrangements. And your emotional reactions to his behaviour.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 06/11/2021 09:02

I can see where you are coming from but this is one of those things you just have to let go.

If he's abusive generally though, don't apologise whatever you do. He will use it against you. Just let it go and accept there will be a tonne of stuff like this you will just have to suck up.

Struggling1702 · 06/11/2021 09:10

I know I don't get to tell him who he lives with, I haven't said that at all. He can do as he wishes. But do I not get to discuss things that I think are going to affect the kids? He gets to pick me up on my parenting, I don't view this as any different...

OP posts:
DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 06/11/2021 09:23

Disengage. If he criticises you, grey rock him. Don't try to tell him what he should or should not do. And keep all those abusive texts, in case you need evidence of his behaviour, later.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 06/11/2021 09:30

@Struggling1702

I know I don't get to tell him who he lives with, I haven't said that at all. He can do as he wishes. But do I not get to discuss things that I think are going to affect the kids? He gets to pick me up on my parenting, I don't view this as any different...
If he was a reasonable human being, yes of course you would discuss things that impact the dc

Unfortunately he's an abusive cockwomble, and legally he doesn't have to consult you and get your agreement for what he does regarding the DC when it's his contact time.

Equally he should not be "picking you up" on how you parent the DC during your time with him. It's none of his business.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 06/11/2021 09:31

*During your time with THEM!

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