End or keep going?

[Novemberchild2]

Dating over 2 years. Separate homes and see each other most weekends. Little messaging and phone calls during the week.
When we have a weekend away it's great fun being together. The rest of the time it's lonely. I used to text and call quite a bit but gradually realised it was mainly one way so reduced it. A couple of friendly messages each day but it feels boring and dull. No good morning or goodnights, no love you.

Is this it? Plod on or be single.
On the plus side when we get together it is fun.

On the negative side his previous relationship meandered on like this for almost 10 years and then she ended it with him.
Commitment phobe? Stuck in his ways?

I have tried to talk about this but it never really comes out right.

Opinions and advice please.

End. Sorry OP.

He is a really nice man. Friends with his ex wife although I don't think he chats to ex girlfriend much, her choice to distance. Good dad to his adult children. Never angry, or horrible. The sex is good.

Live over an hour drive from each other and both work full time in demanding jobs so only weekends to meet up.

Now I am increasingly finding myself irritated with him. I'm no oil painting and overweight and love having someone to go away with so perhaps that's why I'm reluctant to end it. Some days I want more and other days I can't be bothered anymore. Wondering if I'm just too old for dating now.

What do you want to be different in this relationship? Can you sit down with him and express them?

If you're feeling lonely in a relationship it's very telling.

Following as I’m in a similar position but ten years down the line!!

When we first started dating I presumed we’d have moved on a bit by now, but kids and circumstances mean we’re still living apart, still see each other once in the week and then weekends, and no commitment or real change in our relationship since about 3 weeks after we met! Still not sure I even want to live with him once the kids all leave home.

Maybe concentrate on other good things in your life, friends, hobbies etc and see how the relationship sits with you alongside that stuff. It will soon become apparent whether he gives you equal or greater joy... or less joy. Then you haven't put all your eggs in one basket.

@RaisedByPangolins

Following as I’m in a similar position but ten years down the line!!

When we first started dating I presumed we’d have moved on a bit by now, but kids and circumstances mean we’re still living apart, still see each other once in the week and then weekends, and no commitment or real change in our relationship since about 3 weeks after we met! Still not sure I even want to live with him once the kids all leave home.

This is how I feel now. I also don't know if I could live with someone permanently but this is such a jump from previously being married. No idea what I want, but like many just want to feel loved and important to one person.

I think your title says it all: “keep going” is what you’d say to encourage somebody to stick at something they find arduous or unenjoyable. A relationship should be neither of these things.

OP
You have a friendship with this guy- it's not a relationship

End. There’s nothing worse than feeling lonely in a relationship

@spotcheck

OP You have a friendship with this guy- it's not a relationship

I disagree with this since we have great sex when together I don't have sex with my friends. We attend events together and his family all know we are together. We don't live together and the messaging from both of us has diminished. We both work very long hours in our respective careers though so it suits us both sometimes. I suspect I am ready to move in with a partner, some might say the next step, and not sure if him. I suspect after a very long marriage it's a massive adjustment.

@Rainbowqueeen

End. There’s nothing worse than feeling lonely in a relationship

True.

Oh no, end it.
Sounds like he just wants the sex.

Sorry it's feeling a bit flat OP.

When you say your attempts to address it come out wrong,what do you mean? How's your emotional connection and communication as a couple in general?

I'm in a similar place to you but it's working OK for me alongside a busy job, DD, friends/family etc. It's taken a while to get used to a nonconventional setup off the normal relationship escalator but there's lots to like about this way of doing it. We have lots of communication during the week though, which helps with feeling like a team.

Have you spoken to him about feeling lonely?

It sounds like a repeat of his previous relationship to be honest with you. You in turn are selling yourself short with references being made to being no oil painting etc.

End it with him, better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. Having him around to go on holiday with is no reason or basis to stay with him; there are companies out there that promote single person holidays.

OP in one response to somebody's post to you, you said you don't know if you could live with someone permanently again. Then below that, in response to another poster, you say different. Then you are saying texts have diminished both sides, when in your original post, I think it is, that you have reduced texts because of not getting anything from the other side. So it seems like you are trying to kid yourself a bit here. I would feel deflated if i was seeing someone maybe in the week, then always at the weekends. And then there was this situation in between. Yes okay you have met each others families etc is that what you said? And go to events together, that's a lot more than i had, but bringing sex in to it, sorry but most men will have sex with a majority of women it doesn't always mean everything. It's how the person speaks to and treats you/how they make you feel that counts the most.

I've ended it. It isn't what I need.
Thanks for the comments.