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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please

26 replies

Goeasyonmebaby8 · 05/11/2021 22:07

In a relationship for seven years.
I’m 52 dp is 45. He’s never been married, never lived with anyone before. Had long term relationships. I am 10 years out of long ea marriage. I have adult children that live independently.
At start of lockdown I sold my property and moved in with dp. More by circumstances than romantic gesture. I love him very much. My issue is that he is a commitment phobic.
He doesn’t believe in marriage, I do.
He isn’t bothered about us buying a property together - I would really like to.
I feel like a lodger at his place.
We are both financially sound. No money worries.
I want a commitment from him. He says he is committed. He says he loves me. And shows that he does.

These things are important to me. I’m scared that if I push for more than I have he will end things. I feel very vulnerable.
How to get past this?

OP posts:
anthurium · 05/11/2021 22:30

Why does commitment need to be demonstrated by merging finances and buying properties?

It only creates 'ties' in a financial sense bit j more no less romance. How are finances organised in terms of your paying for your stay at his place (do you contribute to rent/mortgage)? Household bills?

You're entitled to want what you want but clearly he doesn't see things the same way.

Original poster
Goeasyonmebaby8 · 05/11/2021 22:45

@anthurium

Why does commitment need to be demonstrated by merging finances and buying properties?

It only creates 'ties' in a financial sense bit j more no less romance. How are finances organised in terms of your paying for your stay at his place (do you contribute to rent/mortgage)? Household bills?

You're entitled to want what you want but clearly he doesn't see things the same way.

Commitment means marriage or choking a home together - to me that would be a normal progression

Of course I contribute to all household bills - we share everything 50/50. I don’t contribute to his mortgage.

How do I stop feeling vulnerable living in his property,
I suppose I’m quite old fashioned in my beliefs

OP posts:
Original poster
Goeasyonmebaby8 · 05/11/2021 22:47

Not choking - choosing
Predictive text

OP posts:
litterbird · 05/11/2021 22:47

You can’t get past this OP because you have already demonstrated you accept his ways by selling up, moving in and living as a commited couple knowing what and who he is already. You knew his background and feelings yet continued on. If it’s causing you so much confusion and issues with you it might be best to separate and find someone with similar life goals then and only then move in together.

Original poster
Goeasyonmebaby8 · 05/11/2021 22:56

@litterbird

You can’t get past this OP because you have already demonstrated you accept his ways by selling up, moving in and living as a commited couple knowing what and who he is already. You knew his background and feelings yet continued on. If it’s causing you so much confusion and issues with you it might be best to separate and find someone with similar life goals then and only then move in together.
No I sold up and moved in believing that a year or two down the line we would buy our own place together. I didn’t know he wasn’t interested in marriage until a year ago, a friend of ours asked us when we were getting married and he replied it wasn’t for him. This was news to me But I’ve already invested seven years So do I just throw that away or hope he will change his mind I feel as though I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place

I don’t want to lose him but I do feel as though the goal posts keep being moved

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2021 23:00

You aren't listening. He's told you, quite clearly, how committed he's willing to be. Accept him as he is or move on.

Bonbon21 · 05/11/2021 23:01

So after 7 years you didnt know that he wasnt really into buying a place together.
So after 6 years you found out he wasnt really into marriage.
So... what exactly DID you talk about?
You are either going to have to settle for what is on offer or move on....

Udouhun · 05/11/2021 23:01

Depends how important marriage is to you. If it's more important than him you need to move on. If you feel you can forgo marriage for his sake, then stay.

litterbird · 05/11/2021 23:06

Did you have a lot of conversations around both of your expectations for the future? Did he say that he would marry you and buy a place together before you sold up? After 7 years if he has promised you marriage and a house and now is back peddling then sadly there is no future for you. You used the statement:
“ I sold up and moved in believing that a year or two down the line we would buy our own place together. “
It’s the word “believing” that’s interesting as if you just thought this would happen but no discussion or firm timeline or plans put in place. Was this the same with your need for marriage from him? Did you just think it would happen or was there a timeline and date for the wedding discussed? If he has promised these things because he knew they were important to you as you had discussed with him and now he has changed his mind (everyone has that right) then I am not sure how you now proceed?

Original poster
Goeasyonmebaby8 · 05/11/2021 23:08

Wow
Brutal replies
Not what I expected

I’m still hoping for a Disney fairytale -

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
Goeasyonmebaby8 · 05/11/2021 23:12

@litterbird

Did you have a lot of conversations around both of your expectations for the future? Did he say that he would marry you and buy a place together before you sold up? After 7 years if he has promised you marriage and a house and now is back peddling then sadly there is no future for you. You used the statement: “ I sold up and moved in believing that a year or two down the line we would buy our own place together. “ It’s the word “believing” that’s interesting as if you just thought this would happen but no discussion or firm timeline or plans put in place. Was this the same with your need for marriage from him? Did you just think it would happen or was there a timeline and date for the wedding discussed? If he has promised these things because he knew they were important to you as you had discussed with him and now he has changed his mind (everyone has that right) then I am not sure how you now proceed?
No he has never promised me anything.

Like I said I thought buying a place together was a natural progression in our relationship.

He just says never say never when it comes to marriage.

OP posts:
litterbird · 05/11/2021 23:16

I am sorry OP, it’s so upsetting being with someone that won’t give you what you truly need to feel in a safe and committed relationship. Are you able to sit down with him and completely open up to him about all this as this must be causing you a lot of anxiety and feeling lost.

Bonbon21 · 05/11/2021 23:17

Sorry if you find my reply brutal... blame the menopause!!
But you need to articulate your thoughts clearly... it is a man you are dealing with....

Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2021 23:28

I’m still hoping for a Disney fairytale

If the "fairytale" hasn't happened in seven years, it's not going to. You sure are investing a massive amount of your life in a man who will never give you what you want and need.

Original poster
Goeasyonmebaby8 · 06/11/2021 03:11

@Bonbon21

Sorry if you find my reply brutal... blame the menopause!! But you need to articulate your thoughts clearly... it is a man you are dealing with....
Thanks
OP posts:
Corkit · 06/11/2021 03:44

I think it's really unfair to say he's moving the goal posts when it doesn't sound like they were ever 'set' to begin with. If he'd made you promises and then backtracked then you'd have a point but everything you're upset about seems to be because you assumed things would develop a certain way without bothering to discuss it with him to see whether you were on the same page.

That said you of course have a right to want these kinds of commitment in a relationship and if you and he can't reach a compromise where you both get some of what you want/need then you would be entirely justified in ending the relationship and looking for someone more compatible.

I do think your current situation is a little worrying with regard to your financial/domestic security and he needs to take on board how vulnerable living in his house makes you if you row/split up. If he's not willing to explore other ways to help you feel more secure then you probably have your answer as to whether there's a compromise to be had.

KosherDill · 06/11/2021 03:47

Sorry for your predicament.

As a rather lonely woman in her 50s who has little hope left of meeting someone attractive and under 80, your situation sounds quite enviable to me. We over 50s aren't in great demand even among men our own age or a decade older, in my experience.

But if you aren't getting what you need, perhaps best to move on before much more time is wasted. Take care.

Charley50 · 06/11/2021 03:57

How did he respond when you said you were selling your property? Was it both of your idea to move in together? Selling your home sounds very drastic. I'm wondering if you should buy another property on your own now, if he won't buy with you? Even if it's to rent out while you stay living together.

Original poster
Goeasyonmebaby8 · 06/11/2021 04:11

@Charley50

How did he respond when you said you were selling your property? Was it both of your idea to move in together? Selling your home sounds very drastic. I'm wondering if you should buy another property on your own now, if he won't buy with you? Even if it's to rent out while you stay living together.
Finances are not a problem at all. I don’t need to buy a property for renting out. I would like to buy something together to live in.
OP posts:
Monty27 · 06/11/2021 04:30

He's got everything he needs. You haven't. Go figure what sacrifices you're going to have to make and carry on from there.
Good luck 🤞

Charley50 · 06/11/2021 04:58

Is his place nice? Does he just not see the need to live somewhere different? Could you do a project together with the current place? Renovation, or you have a study room to yourself to decorate etc? Or maybe future plans could be an amazing trip together instead?

Don't know what to suggest about the marriage thing; it doesn't sound like you 'need' it for financial protection, so I'm not sure it should be a dealbreaker.

MsDogLady · 06/11/2021 06:53

But I’ve already invested 7 years.

OP, please look up the Sunk Costs Fallacy. You don’t have to buy into that. You have more information now. As you say, he is a commitment-phobe. Your values and goals are incompatible, so you can choose to walk another path.

SortingItOut · 06/11/2021 07:28

You are in a precarious situation, although not as bad as some as you have money, but if things ended tomorrow you'll be homeless.

What would be your plan if things ended suddenly and you had to leave the same day?

GoodnightGrandma · 06/11/2021 07:30

You won’t change him so accept it or move on.
With house prices continually on the rise, if I were you I’d be worried that I don’t own a home.

RandomMess · 06/11/2021 07:35

If you bought a new place yourself and rented it out you would feel less vulnerable.

I would consider moving out and having your own place rather than feeling like a lodger in his home. Without you there 24/7 sharing the load and sex on tap he may then appreciate the need to commit.

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