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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling really used and sad

15 replies

Raggertut · 05/11/2021 21:31

With someone for nearly a year and I ended it with him four weeks ago because there was no sign of him making an real commitment.

Things came to a head when he was still dragging his feet about me meeting friends and family. No movement from him about moving in in the coming months etc. He got very funny with me when I got cross about it all and said he was messing me about etc. I was pretty rude to him but I just started to feel like a mug. I told him I loved him and I really didn’t want this to end, but I’m in late 30s and he had just turned 40 and I said if he didn’t know now that he wanted to give things a real go with proper commitment then I had to move on. I said I didn’t want that. There was silence from him and tears. I said he really need to reflect because he’d said very different things to me that did not match his actions… ie that he thought he wanted to marry me, he’d imagined his whole life with me etc etc.

I left, tearful, saying it wasn’t what I wanted. He said he loved me. I didn’t contact him and I’ve not heard a thing. I know it’s for the best. I just feel so confused and battered by the whole thing. I didn’t leave as a game or a ploy to get him to change, I knew in leaving that could well be it. I’m just unbelievably lost and confused that it would have come to this. We were so happy. I have never loved anyone like him and I’m not quite sure how I managed not to contact him but I guess I felt too shocked and raw and in disbelief that he could have made me so happy then not stepped up when it came to the real deal.

OP posts:
QuestionNumberOne · 05/11/2021 21:34

That sounds horribly painful and hard but I have to say - well the fuck done, you badass. You refused to let his ambivalence steamroller you or control your actions.

Respect. And hugs. The pain will fade Brew

Raggertut · 05/11/2021 21:35

Thanks @QuestionNumberOne !! I don’t feel very strong at all. I loved him very very much. Still do. I’m so sad he could cut me out of his life in the way he has.

OP posts:
anthurium · 05/11/2021 22:00

Op have you NC? The story sounds very similar and it involved a lack of sex physical intimacy for months in end too? And a trip to a beach house by yourself for a few days?

evabream · 05/11/2021 22:13

Deja vu

He’s not ready to marry after a year also we told you on the other thread he’s highly likely hiding something. What that something is we don’t know. It’s very painful but it’s more painful to try a relationship with a compartmentaliser.

I know you’re hurting but this guy is not a life partner op.

Itsnotover · 05/11/2021 22:16

The fact that you've done this shows that you know your worth. 👍👍

evabream · 05/11/2021 22:16

Also if he’s cut you out you’re probably in a bit of emotional shock. Hence all the threads. Be easy on yourself and stop tying yourself in knots to figure this man out. Treat yourself as you would when you’re ill as, rest up, eat (light good stuff if you’ve no appetite) nice baths, cuddle up with some throws etc, out in fresh air even if you don’t want to, even just a bit. Reach out in real life to people if you can.

You won’t feel this bad forever. It’s normal but you’ll be ok.

WonderfulYou · 05/11/2021 22:24

No movement from him about moving in in the coming months etc.

Neither of you are in the wrong.
You wanted the relationship to move faster than he did.
It’s not fair of either of you to expect your partner to fit in to your timescale if the other person isn’t ready yet.

If I had been with someone less than a year I wouldn’t be talking about moving in together so soon. And I would think you are moving too fast if you wanted to.

I think you either need to slow down and just be happy with the way things are. Or find someone who wants to move as fast as you do.
Is it because you want to have children?

FourPostBed · 05/11/2021 22:27

No wise words other than to say well done for refusing to sink any more of your time into him in this relationship.

A year is more than enough. Stay strong x

💐

crimsonlake · 05/11/2021 22:30

Agree, have you posted about this more recently, you had lots of responses.

Itsnotover · 05/11/2021 22:53

@WonderfulYou

No movement from him about moving in in the coming months etc.

Neither of you are in the wrong.
You wanted the relationship to move faster than he did.
It’s not fair of either of you to expect your partner to fit in to your timescale if the other person isn’t ready yet.

If I had been with someone less than a year I wouldn’t be talking about moving in together so soon. And I would think you are moving too fast if you wanted to.

I think you either need to slow down and just be happy with the way things are. Or find someone who wants to move as fast as you do.
Is it because you want to have children?

At late 30s and early 40s? I don't agree. You know by then...

user6869848649 · 05/11/2021 22:58

@WonderfulYou

No movement from him about moving in in the coming months etc.

Neither of you are in the wrong.
You wanted the relationship to move faster than he did.
It’s not fair of either of you to expect your partner to fit in to your timescale if the other person isn’t ready yet.

If I had been with someone less than a year I wouldn’t be talking about moving in together so soon. And I would think you are moving too fast if you wanted to.

I think you either need to slow down and just be happy with the way things are. Or find someone who wants to move as fast as you do.
Is it because you want to have children?

Fair enough if he wasn’t quite ready to move in but not letting you meet family and friends seems strange, especially if he’s telling you he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

I think you’ve been really brave and strong OP and well done for standing up for yourself and what you want.

anthurium · 05/11/2021 23:06

"At late 30s and early 40s? I don't agree. You know by then."

I think there's a lot of assumption to know by this age....you can know and not know depends on the circumstances. They only dated under a year it's not really a very long time...a lot of it was driven by Op wanting to escalate the relationship in to marriage/children 'lock it down'.

Sonaftersonafterson · 05/11/2021 23:22

OP if he was as madly in love with you as you are with him, there would be no issue right now. Sadly, it seems very clear he just doesnt feel that way. His behaviour was weird and the flaky lack of commitment would lead you on a road to nowhere but emotional hell.

Of course it hurts. I'm so sorry, I know that pain. You've done the right thing and in time, you'll see that
Saved yourself a lot of bullshit and heartache.

Bottom line is, he has allowed you to leave him. No fight. Hasn't even tried. That really does say it all.

Its shit. Be good to yourself. Wine

Aprilx · 06/11/2021 05:37

If it were not clear before, it should be now that he doesn’t want what you want, he doesn’t want the marriage or settling down. He was in full control of how things went and so this is the path he has chosen, you were brave to make the decision you did, it might be awful now but in the future you will look back and be proud that you walked away when you did.

beautifulview · 06/11/2021 08:24

Stick to your guns. If he wanted you he’d make effort

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