Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I wanting too much too soon?

25 replies

Ummwat · 05/11/2021 20:30

Me and my dp have been together almost a year. He's 39, I’m 36. From the day we met I was clear I was looking for something serious, ie to settle down. He said he was completely on the same page.

But as the months have passed there’s been no mention of moving in together in the near (or far!) future, he’s reluctant to let me meet his family as they’re weird apparently… they know about me though and he talks about us on the phone to them. But he’ll go and see them without me. He’s not mentioned Christmas plans, ie seeing each other between Christmas and new year…. I’d probably have liked to have spent Christmas together, is that inappropriate of me?!

I just feel like everything he said at the start was a bit of a lie. We spend most nights together so are almost living together but it feels like zero commitment. On my birthday he bought me a very nice travel cup for work and a glass animal thing, presumably for decor in the house but they seemed like such impulse random gifts with no real thought.

We both make decent money. Both own homes. Both at the top of our career stages. There’s no reason we can’t focus on each other and when I raise any of these things he gets defensive and says maybe he can’t be what I need.

Am i being too much? Wanting too much too soon?

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 05/11/2021 20:35

No. It's not you. It's him. Time to move on and find somebody on the same page.

DH and I moved in within 4 months together and I had Xmas with his family after 3 months.

We're still together 8 years later. He's just stringing you along sorry.

Ummwat · 05/11/2021 20:36

Thanks @Treacletoots. I’ve been very understanding with him and not pushed anything but I’m starting to feel pissed off. I don’t want to be with him if he can’t even make plans over Christmas

OP posts:
myheartskippedabeat · 05/11/2021 20:40

@Ummwat

Thanks *@Treacletoots*. I’ve been very understanding with him and not pushed anything but I’m starting to feel pissed off. I don’t want to be with him if he can’t even make plans over Christmas
I wasted 5 years with someone just like this / please don't do this to yourself

End it and focus on meeting someone where you are both on the same page x

Ummwat · 05/11/2021 20:44

It’s so fucking weird. He’s very clear about wanting to settle down, tells me he loves me, and then absolutely zero action! Not even progressing to an invite to his family.

OP posts:
Seafog · 05/11/2021 20:48

He says what you want to hear, gets all the advantages of living together, without any change , compromise or progression on his part

He will keep saying what you want to keep you as you are

NotaCoolMum · 05/11/2021 20:49

Words are so easy! His actions (or lack of!) tell you everything you need to know!

MadMadMadamMim · 05/11/2021 20:50

What would happen if you said very clearly and bluntly to him, I'd like to have a chat about us moving in together. How do you feel about me renting my house out in the New Year and moving in with you?

Would he react with horror? Fob you off? Not want to discuss it?

If it were me I'd say exactly those words to him to find out where I bloody stand. And I'd make my decision on whether to cut and run depending on how this talk went. I couldn't be hanging around on tenterhooks wondering/hoping when he might be ready.

Ummwat · 05/11/2021 20:51

@MadMadMadamMim I said this to him recently. He said we’d argued the week before so that had set him back a bit with his thinking on it.

We had argued but it was minor and certainly not a reason not to move in.

OP posts:
pumkinbump · 05/11/2021 20:52

No, not you at all. My ex was the same. I didn't meet his family until we had been together for 1.5 years! We split 2 months after I gave birth to our daughter. I wasted 4 years on him.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/11/2021 20:53

So you sleep over at each others virtually every night but he's saying he isn't planning on seeing you from Christmas eve til when?

It isn't you. At 12 months we lived together and were engaged with a wedding planned. I was early 30s, him late.

I think a direct chat is in order.
When do you see us moving in together, what's your time line for marriage and kids.

Courtier · 05/11/2021 20:54

I don't know, to me a year is fairly casual still. Getting to know each other, little gifts for events, maybe a trip away.

After a year I'd start to expect plans to begin - holidays, Xmas together, maybe moving in. But I guess it depends on your expectations.

Ummwat · 05/11/2021 20:54

@SleepingStandingUp I did mention kids and he said a few years. He said he couldn’t be more specific as he would need to see how he felt at the time.

I think a nice autumn break up is on the cards :(

OP posts:
category12 · 05/11/2021 20:58

When I raise any of these things he gets defensive and says maybe he can’t be what I need
Here he is telling you he can't/doesn't want to move things on. He's also telling you in such a way as to scare you that he'll end things if you don't STFU.

I said this to him recently. He said we’d argued the week before so that had set him back a bit with his thinking on it
Here he is pretending that it's your fault he won't move things on rather than he doesn't want to. He is also telling you this in such a way to try to scare you off from challenging him and to make you STFU.

Throw this one back, OP.

AlbertBridge · 05/11/2021 20:58

He said we’d argued the week before so that had set him back a bit with his thinking on it.

That really sounds like stringy-alongy punishment BS to me. It's like he's saying you have to be on your best behaviour for him even to consider THINKING about a future with you.

Ditch him. 😆

Or, if you want to go the other way, stop hanging out with him so much. If he WANTS you to be casual then BE casual. See him once a week. Be elusive and mysterious in between dates. Don't let him have all the comforts of your companionship without any of the commitment. Give him only as much as his actions say he wants (IE, almost nothing). Let him miss you and want more of you. At the moment he's 💯 taking you for granted because you're giving him everything you've got in return for NOTHING from him.

Never demand more time or more attention from a man. It makes them lose all respect.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/11/2021 20:58

@Courtier

I don't know, to me a year is fairly casual still. Getting to know each other, little gifts for events, maybe a trip away.

After a year I'd start to expect plans to begin - holidays, Xmas together, maybe moving in. But I guess it depends on your expectations.

In your 20s maybe, but at 36 a five year courtship then a few years to plan a wedding then a few years to enjoy marriage before kids.... it doesn't work
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/11/2021 21:00

If neither of you has children already then he's massively dragging his feet. You are "you'll do for now".

You have a fertility window, he does not.

Classic case of "he's just not that into you" it 😔

50ShadesOfCatholic · 05/11/2021 21:02

I don't think there is a universally accepted period of time at which a relationship becomes a permanent fixture.

What matters here is how you feel about it. If you feel disrespected and messed around, it suggests that the relationship is not working for you.

It may be working beautifully for him, great, but you can only decide on your part in it.

A lot of couples are happier with their own spaces to retreat to so personally that would not be a deal breaker for me. But perhaps it is for you - and that's fine.

His views on children though would worry me, he needs to commit or retreat because time does not wait for fertility.

WhitePhantom · 05/11/2021 21:03

*He said we’d argued the week before so that had set him back a bit with his thinking on it."

BS! So what happens if you're actually living together officially and you have a minor argument? Does he move out for a while?!

Yep, time to ditch him.

MushMonster · 05/11/2021 21:05

I would wait and see how he behaves over Christmas. Give him the space. I would not say anyyhing, and see if he brings it up nearer the date. Many people are not even yet thinking about Christmas.
Now, I would not dream of having Christmas without my partner, and most people would not. It could be a good time to introduce you to family, share some traditions, pack a bag and stay in one house for the few days.
If he does nothing, to me that would be proof that he is not that bothered, and I would move on.

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 05/11/2021 21:08

[quote Ummwat]@MadMadMadamMim I said this to him recently. He said we’d argued the week before so that had set him back a bit with his thinking on it.

We had argued but it was minor and certainly not a reason not to move in.[/quote]
Sounds like the 'fobbing off' option...

pumpkinpie01 · 05/11/2021 21:09

The old phrase ' actions speak louder than words ' springs to mind . I wouldn't waste any more time

Aprilx · 05/11/2021 21:09

Some people do have weird families, I do, I was never keen to introduce people to mine. But no Christmas plans after a year together doesn’t bode well, I don’t think he is serious about you sorry.

Treacletoots · 05/11/2021 21:16

Listen to what people DO, not what they SAY.

Sadly his words don't match his actions and you need to listen. Sorry Sad

2catsandhappy · 05/11/2021 21:23

So his talk is literaly 'hot air'.
You being less available will focus his mind. I am guessing he is taking you for granted. Maybe in his mind you are happy to go along with how things are as nothing is changing. Shake his mindset a bit.

It is not game playing. You need to know if you are expendable.

evabream · 05/11/2021 21:32

I thought you dumped him

New posts on this thread. Refresh page