Is there any coming back from being single for more than 10 years?

[abesintentions]

God, I'm so lonely. I totally get that I can't rely on someone else to make me happy, I try to find joy in my own life, but ten years.

I was single - not the merest hint of any masculine interest - from age 30 to 49. Had one shorted-lived relationship, did OLD for three years, gave up, met my DH at 53. Together five years, married for two. You never know!

I’ve been single forever. I’m thirty. I met someone this April and we’re still going strong. Honestly, I’d totally written myself off- had counselling for the loneliness and everything.

Have hope.

Just to clarify things - I’m a late 40’s single woman, couple of stones overweight, civil service job, on HRT, perimenopausal, no kids, never even lived with anyone, and was a real late starter with men, no idea about fashion etc - I didn’t see myself as any kind of catch. I think the key was that I was finally happy with my own life that I was ambivalent about meeting someone and it actually working. Don’t get me wrong - he’s no perfect man - he’s 52, has teenage girls, an ex wife, a Brexiteer dad, a bit of ED, and a dad bod with a bit of a paunch, and I remember thinking the first time I met him “oh my God is that a beer belly?!”

But we’d talked on the phone, we liked the same things, he made me laugh, and I thought I’d give him a chance. He just grew on me and he fits into a little niche of my life, and I into his.

I think when things got really close to the wire about fertility, and I gradually realised that no, you aren’t going to have kids (and oh did I want them) - I had to take time to grieve and reset. Once the broody hormones subside - and they do - I realised my life wasn’t over, and I should start living without procreation being at the forefront of everything I did. It gave me a bit of time to think about what I really did want out of life, and who I wanted in it.

I see being single as a bit of a double edged sword. I can do what I want, when I want with who I want, but I don't have someone to share special moments with, like a beautiful sunrise or a wonderful view. And I miss that connection with someone special.

@WhatDidISayAlan

I was single for 12 years, from 36 to 48. Went through the lonely phase, the broody phase, and then finally the fuck it phase, where I just came to terms with staying single and not having kids - I’d probably made peace with it by the time I was 45.

Spent the next few years enjoying my own company. Got involved with an allotment and walking group. Did some short courses and a science GCSE. Got a new, slightly different job. Traveled to places out of my comfort zone. Learned to rock climb. Made friends with other single women and women without children - of all ages. Started to really like my solo life. Didn’t date for the last ten years - internet dating was a bit grim.

Got an email from Guardian Soulmates saying they were closing down and would be free to existing account holders for the next two months. In a moment of madness I reactivated a dormant account. Got a few messages from pensioners. Got one from a guy three years older than me. Had kids - not ideal, but could work with it. Blonde - not my type either, but thought I’d take a chance. He’s been around ever since.

We won’t live together or pool resources or get married. He’s my Sunday boyfriend. We go away for a few days to walk or explore or bike ride.
I think the thing that worked for me is that I accepted a life of singledom, then worked out what I really liked about it, made the most of that, and that’s when he popped up. He said he went for me because I was independent, and had a life when I wouldn’t be with him - I wasn’t needy.

I really like him in my life, and am happy when he’s around, or doing other things. I experienced vvv happy times when I was single and had come to terms with it, and am not scared if we split up for whatever reason - I still have a happy life.

A Sunday boyfriend. That sounds amazing!!!

Single here after a divorce ten years ago, fairly early on a had a couple of short term relationships but on the whole have been on my own for a good few years.
Have dabbled with OLD on and off most of this time but never found anyone I want to take things further with.
Today I had my fourth date with someone as I am trying to be more open to a relationship.
Looking for the spark seems to be like looking for the holy grail and as I am older I have been told not to expect it! I am so trying not to base a relationship on simply looks and appeal, however he has a belly which when he hugged me today I could feel put a distance between us.
Having been alone for so long I keep thinking .can I do this?' I do not know how to be in a relationship, be someones partner. After a few hours I just want alone time, I think I have been on my own too long and am undateable.

@WhatDidISayAlan

Just to clarify things - I’m a late 40’s single woman, couple of stones overweight, civil service job, on HRT, perimenopausal, no kids, never even lived with anyone, and was a real late starter with men, no idea about fashion etc - I didn’t see myself as any kind of catch. I think the key was that I was finally happy with my own life that I was ambivalent about meeting someone and it actually working. Don’t get me wrong - he’s no perfect man - he’s 52, has teenage girls, an ex wife, a Brexiteer dad, a bit of ED, and a dad bod with a bit of a paunch, and I remember thinking the first time I met him “oh my God is that a beer belly?!”

But we’d talked on the phone, we liked the same things, he made me laugh, and I thought I’d give him a chance. He just grew on me and he fits into a little niche of my life, and I into his.

I think when things got really close to the wire about fertility, and I gradually realised that no, you aren’t going to have kids (and oh did I want them) - I had to take time to grieve and reset. Once the broody hormones subside - and they do - I realised my life wasn’t over, and I should start living without procreation being at the forefront of everything I did. It gave me a bit of time to think about what I really did want out of life, and who I wanted in it.

I'm really appreciating the calm, self introspection, especially the bit about what you wanted out of life and who you wanted in it and this: "I think the key was that I was finally happy with my own life that I was ambivalent about meeting someone."

I'm tired of stories of relentlessly pursuit of relationships

Love the idea of a Sunday boyfriend! 12 years single, which I'm mostly fine with, but I do sometimes feel I'm missing out.

I was single for over 10 years and mostly pretty happy with my life but yes I figured it was unlikely I would ever meet anyone and that was a bit sad, especially when getting towards my mid thirties and all my friends were married and having kids. A couple of my friends persuaded me to go on tinder and I did mainly so I could tell them I tried it and it had been pointless (as I was sure it would be)….yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my first date with the wonderful man I met (though we had a slightly different type of night out since I’m expecting our second baby!).

So yes, it is absolutely possible but I guess you do have to be prepared to keep putting yourself out there (even though that can be emotionally draining at times).

Obviously I had a little bit of luck - my OH is the same age as me and was basically in the exact same as me (friends made him join and he did but with low expectations) but we were speaking last night about how different our lives would be today if we hadn’t given that a go.

I've been single for 18 years now - since I was 26. I do remember feeling particularly lonely in my early 30s, as that was when most of my friends had got married and were starting families. My social life disappeared and since I was self employed at the time and WFH, the opportunities to make new friends to socialise with/meet men were few and far between.

At age 33, having been single for 7 years, I decided that I didn't want to miss out on the opportunity of having a child, so decided to go it solo. Totally appreciate that it is expensive to do this - fortunately I had some savings, and I went overseas where it was much cheaper.

I had my ds at age 34 and I haven't felt lonely since. He gave my life a purpose I did feel was missing before. I haven't dated since before I decided to try for a baby - so over 10 years ago now.

I did contemplate it last year, as I do occasionally think the idea of a Sunday boyfriend might be nice. But in all honesty, I don't feel that my life is lacking much now, and that including a man in it would potentially take things away from it. I concluded that the gains wouldn't outweigh the losses for me personally, so staying happily single for the foreseeable.

It may be that as my ds grows up and becomes more independent I might begin to feel lonely. But I think I've become so used to my own company I may just stay this way! I'm an introvert, so the thought of having someone in my life/house/bed makes me come out in a rash!

If I were to offer some advice, I would say that at 33 if having a child is something that is important to you then don't let being single stop you from pursuing it seriously. Look into all options - you might find options that make it more affordable for you.

But also, don't give up on finding a partner to share your life with if that's equally something you want. Other posters have proved that it's more than possible to come back from being long term single.

The best thing you can do is take advantage of all the things that being single can give you right now - freedom, the whole bed to yourself, etc.

@livingonpurpose

I've been single for 18 years now - since I was 26. I do remember feeling particularly lonely in my early 30s, as that was when most of my friends had got married and were starting families. My social life disappeared and since I was self employed at the time and WFH, the opportunities to make new friends to socialise with/meet men were few and far between.

At age 33, having been single for 7 years, I decided that I didn't want to miss out on the opportunity of having a child, so decided to go it solo. Totally appreciate that it is expensive to do this - fortunately I had some savings, and I went overseas where it was much cheaper.

I had my ds at age 34 and I haven't felt lonely since. He gave my life a purpose I did feel was missing before. I haven't dated since before I decided to try for a baby - so over 10 years ago now.

I did contemplate it last year, as I do occasionally think the idea of a Sunday boyfriend might be nice. But in all honesty, I don't feel that my life is lacking much now, and that including a man in it would potentially take things away from it. I concluded that the gains wouldn't outweigh the losses for me personally, so staying happily single for the foreseeable.

It may be that as my ds grows up and becomes more independent I might begin to feel lonely. But I think I've become so used to my own company I may just stay this way! I'm an introvert, so the thought of having someone in my life/house/bed makes me come out in a rash!

If I were to offer some advice, I would say that at 33 if having a child is something that is important to you then don't let being single stop you from pursuing it seriously. Look into all options - you might find options that make it more affordable for you.

But also, don't give up on finding a partner to share your life with if that's equally something you want. Other posters have proved that it's more than possible to come back from being long term single.

The best thing you can do is take advantage of all the things that being single can give you right now - freedom, the whole bed to yourself, etc.

@livingonpurpose

Really good advice overall @livingonpurpose

Fellow solo mother to be (pregnant) - and good side advice in particular about going abroad for treatment - it is prohibitively expensive in the UK for single females on average/low incomes, although Op did mention in her earlier post that she isn't in the right financial position to do so right now.

@abesintentions

I'm made to feel I am lacking in character somehow for wanting to do partner type stuff with a partner.

Yes, this, so much so. I hate reading that as advice. I am happy with myself, I would just like an adult to choose to spend time with me in a romantic capacity.

I totally get your point about holidays too. The idea of a singles' holiday makes me want to cry.

My best friend met Her husband on a singles holiday don't rule it out ❤️

I was single from 22 to 33 . Now married with a kid. Dont give up! My husband is much younger and I met him when I had finally made my peace with dying alone. I also miss loads of things about the single life , like solo travel. Holidays with kids are fucking terrible!! I also miss my figure. My wobbly gut is horrific.