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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Reclaiming Christmas

12 replies

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/11/2021 10:58

So I always loved Christmas. My mum has always gone bg on it and it just rubbed off. I loved it so much that I got married just before Christmas and it was amazing.

That was 17 years ago. Four years ago, just before Christmas, my husband had been acting 'off' so I asked him what was wrong and he said he wasn't happy, wasn't sure why, wasn't sure if he still loved me but wanted things to get better and certainly didn't make any attempt to leave.

I was distraught as we had always had a very strong marriage, 2 kids, many long standing mutual friends (we met when we were 16) and this was a complete shock to me. I tried everything I could to make things ok but didn't really know what had gone wrong.

Anyway, a few days after Xmas he went back to work and while I was changing our bed I saw his ipad. I looked on it...not really knowing why but hoping to find some insight and I found messages between him and a younger woman at work. Long story short - they were planning future Christmases together, talking about 'when' they would be together, etc.

When he got home from work that day his bag was packed and our marriage was over.

SInce then, I have found Christmas terribly difficult with our wedding anniversary and memories of family christmases and us separating all within a week or so of each other. The last 3 years I have wanted to hibernate until its all over but have put on a brave face for our children and carried on as best I can.

Yesterday though,I was shopping and saw a couple of decorations I liked. I hadn't bought anything new for Xmas since we separated and I decided that this year will be different. I am not letting what he did spoil another Christmas...it's time to move on and reclaim Christmas. I bought the decorations and yes, I know it's way early but they are up on my shelf and I think will now signify this breakthrough for me every year when I get them out Smile

So to anyone else struggling for similar reasons...it may take time but I hope you get your breakthrough too x

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 05/11/2021 11:03

Great post, Sunshine! I am so glad you aren't letting that toerag spoil your Christmases any longer. Now get the tree up!!

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/11/2021 11:28

Thanks @FetchezLaVache. Just thought it would be nice to have a positive thread on here amongst the not so positive ones.

We have to choose out tree first - a tradition we all started as a family but I made sure we continued as a three - but it will be up at the start of December and I won't dread it this year.

OP posts:
mildlymiffed · 05/11/2021 11:38

Good on you! Christmas is now yours to own. See it as when you woke up to your new life and reframe it!

I had something similar... to do with the musical wicked! My ex and his affair partner discussed going to see it together. For two years I couldn't stand hearing any of the songs. Then I thought, fuck that- and saw it twice in 6 months and loved it! Now it reminds me that was when I started on the journey of living my best life!

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/11/2021 11:40

@mildlymiffed That's great to hear, and having seen Wicked myself twice...I'm really glad you got to go and enjoy it!

OP posts:
MrsGeralt · 05/11/2021 11:42

Good for you!

Ukholidaysaregreat · 05/11/2021 11:45

Aww! Nice thread. Hope you have a great Christmas! 🎄

Annasgirl · 05/11/2021 11:54

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas OP. Similar here, but for different reasons, both DH and I lost a parent at this time (him at Christmas, me in November) and so it has been very hard. But like you, I feel excited for the first time in a few years and we are going to have a very quiet, but happy (I hope) Christmas with nice decorations, nice food, and some nice family time with our DC.

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/11/2021 11:59

Thank you and @Annasgirl I'm sorry to hear of your bereavements and hope you can enjoy this year the way I'm sure your family members would want you to x

OP posts:
tabletipper · 05/11/2021 13:59

Good for you op! reclaim it and make your own new traditions.
I understand how you feel I discovered my husband's affair at 5.30am Christmas morning while I was digesting what I had seen on his phone I heard my daughter upstairs shout excitedly mummy Santa has been!! I will never forget that moment.
That day was one of the most excruciating of my life hosting to the whole family putting on a fake smile.
I refuse to have a day like that again until I feel ready. Last year spent it in a theme park (usa) and this year will go to a restaurant.

If you find happiness and joy in getting new decorations then do it.

I hope you have the best day this year

MarshmallowSwede · 05/11/2021 14:03

This is a wonderful testimonial and I applaud you for your strength!

HarrisonStickle · 05/11/2021 14:03

I was the same following my split from my now ex husband. The first year I had a tiny 2 foot tree with a few baubles but just wasn't in the mood. Now, 10 years later, I have a Xmas extravaganza!

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/11/2021 14:07

Thank you @tabletipper and I'm sorry for what you went through. It's good that you could do something completely different the last couple of years...I'd have liked to have done that.

I still struggle to watch Love Actually (Emma Thompson's character and situation is way too close to home!) but I'm sure that will get easier too. If not, there are way more Xmas films to watch!

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