Anyone else been the Parentified Child and now struggling with adult sibling relationships?

[ESGdance]

I had a v tough childhood where a parent died very young and the remaining parent became very mentally unwell. As the oldest I was put in the position of parenting my parent and younger siblings. My parent is now dead but I have come to notice that my relationships with my siblings are not reciprocated or mutual. I don’t feel part of their group - sort of a scapegoat and outsider. Wondered if anyone has been in this position and been able to re-set sibling relationships?

I was a parentified child; from the age of 12 I parented my mother and my two younger siblings. I don't think I have escaped being in the parent position, either to my now elderly mother whose behaviour varies from that of toddler to that of stroppy teen, and to my brother who suffers with severe anxiety & depression.

I wish I'd had a parent who had taught me & my siblings how to navigate our way through the world, it's something we have been spectacularly bad at.

Yep same here and it’s frustrating. My mother is immature and infantile. Emotionally volatile and dependent. It’s hard to negotiate normal adult relationships with that background

I'm so sorry that you all had to deal with this. I hope you don't mind me asking, but is there anything that people outside the family could have done to help when you were a child? I really worry about one of my dd's friends who has effectively taken on the role of parent to her younger siblings. She is a lovely kid, very capable and doesn't seem to mind doing all that she does, but I always wonder if she will look back and feel that she missed out on her childhood. Is there anything that anyone could have done to lighten the burden for you when you were younger? (Various services are already involved with the family and I have offered to help with the younger ones sometimes but mum usually declines).

Yes it is has been hard to learn how to navigate adult relationships and I also see my siblings behaving sometimes as a stroppy teenager vibe with me and I am in their subconscious mind the parent to kick off against, resist etc.

I have done a lot of therapy and have lots of successful friendships but I just can’t seem to have balanced adult to adult relationships with my younger siblings. They seem like a unit on their own that I am excluded from. Maybe they will always experience me as an unwanted parent figure.

Yes she will feel that she has missed out on a childhood because she has missed out on a childhood. It’s not even all the chores etc it’s the emotional burden worrying about everyone in the chaos with the inability to have much agency with an inadequate / underdeveloped emotional system as she is only a child.

I think the best thing is for her not to feel responsible for the family and she would need professional emotional support to be very up front about that. I am glad you are aware of it … I still get “ah you were a great support to your mother / family as a child” like it was a badge of honour from my aunts - they still don’t see it as dysfunctional or inappropriate.,