Mum and Xmas

[TurnUpTurnip]

I am a single mum, I spend my Xmas days at home on my own with my children which I really enjoy, I never go to family for Xmas and prefer to be in my own home, for various reasons which I won’t go into my mum will be alone this Xmas, I don’t have a good relationship with her and find her very hard to be around, she’s very critical and negative, I don’t go to her house at all as I prefer not to spend too much time with her as she’s easier in small doses so sometimes I will meet up with her out and about or she sometimes has my daughter (she always asks I don’t) she doesn’t invite me for Xmas but then seemed annoyed that last year that I didn’t invite her, would it be terrible to not invite her this year? Neither of us drive so she would have no way of getting her anyway unless she pays a fortune on a taxi

Family or not why should you invite such a woman to your Christmas?

..
Awful people have to live with the aftermath of their choices..
I have been nc with my dm for years.. Haven't seen her at Xmas since 2011 and it wasn't even Xmas day.
Yanbu to enjoy your dc on your own.

I couldn’t leave my mum on her own at Christmas...but you know your Mum best....whatever works for you

She criticises my house, calls it messy (I have 4 kids 10 and under) it is messy 🤦🏻 Criticises what I buy for them tells me everything is a waste she’s just very negative and I feel she will put a downer on the day, I invited her to something last weekend and she looked miserable the whole day and even got into an argument with a stranger, she also doesn’t invite me so I’m not sure why she gets annoyed if I haven’t invited her (surely the mother should be the one inviting?) the only way to describe her is like Monica’s mum in friends!

She won't just put a downer on your day, she'll ruin it for your kids. So the answer is no. They are the priority.

Make the decision and stick to it, don't keep over it in your head and feeling guilty.
If she hasn't previously invited you and you have to take her in "small doses" then it makes the most sense not to disrupt your children's Christmas and make you dread a day you should be looking forward to.
It must be lovely having four children that age on Christmas, enjoy it

Thanks I won’t invite her, last year she was making it clear she was annoyed telling me she spend all day in bed, and that “no one invited her anywhere” but like I said she doesn’t invite me, she is very negative and will be the same to the children I told her I was going to get my daughter some dolls for Xmas and she says “she’s already got enough” she would sit there and comment on every present saying it’s a waste of money/ got enough already I use to meet up with her once a month roughly and go out to a restaurant but she was so miserable the whole time and she rarely talks unless it’s complaining, she doesn’t have much else to say, I’ve started to back away now from going with her as I just don’t enjoy her company and her negativity is rubbing off on my children.

I think you've made the right choice. You'd be dreading the visit in the run-up and miserable on the day itself, anticipating the next salvo from Battleship Mum.

If she complains you could always respond with something along the lines of "But mum, you never seem to enjoy yourself when you're here. I thought you'd be happier at home without the presents and outings which seem to annoy you."

It sounds like you've made more than a few reasonable efforts to include her, only to be swiped down at every turn. You've tried your best - this isn't your fault.

Have a lovely day with your children. xx

Based on all you've said, you shouldn't risk spoiling your children's Christmas Day - and yours - for someone who's never given your feelings any thought.

You shouldn't feel bad about that, nor about being honest if she asks why. 'You're negative and critical and spoil the day for everyone'.

I think I'd try to arrange something around Christmas - meet up for a meal or a walk around some lights or a Christmas Fair - but that would be more about reducing guilt and I'm the queen of trying to keep everyone happy (which isn't always the right thing to do).

Is Boxing Day an option?

Have xmas day with your children stress free and then invite your mother on Boxing Day

I always think in situations like this in x amount of years when said person has passed would I feel any guilt for not putting up with said persons attitude for the day

It's up to you OP

Yes Boxing Day could work, I just don’t want my kids opening their presents on Xmas day whilst someone sits there slating everything I’ve bought, she came up for my sons birthday one year and he opened up one of his presents and went “ugh you didn’t buy him Lego did you🙄” “what a waste of money I hate Lego it all gets thrown in the bin!” It was Lego and he’s face looked so upset

I wouldn't invite her and if she moans, I'd tell her exactly why. Maybe she'll start to check herself when she has to face the consequences of her behaviour.

A few times I’ve felt I have to see a certain relative at Christmas even though I don’t want to so do Christmas Eve lunch invite. Then if they accept I get it out of the way and can them enjoy Christmas and if they don’t then that’s up to them at least I offered. Would this be an option?

I am going to try that and blame it on the fact that neither of us drive so can’t travel to her or her to me on Xmas day anyway, it’s a 40 minute walk each way and there’s no way I’m doing that on Xmas day so hopefully I can use that as the reason to not be too harsh on her, I’ve told her in the past about her behaviour but she said she doesn’t realise so I can’t even be bothered she seems oblivious to how she comes across.