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Relationships

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Original poster

Selfish or not?

17 replies

DuchessOfDisaster · 04/11/2021 19:07

I dumped my long-term partner some weeks ago for a variety of reasons. But I wondered what other posters think about this.

He has a classic Jaguar car, an old Inspector Morse type one. He hardly ever used it and from October to April it was put on SORN. He wouldn't run it on a road with salt. This meant muggins here was the designated driver - always having to pick him up and drop him off. If we went anywhere it was always down to me. I thought he didn't make much effort. Even in the summer months, it was me because I'm not bothered if I don't have an alcoholic drink but he was. I felt like a chauffeur all the time and it felt like he couldn't be arsed to even bother.

OP posts:

fumfspos · 04/11/2021 21:14

Yeah he couldn't be arsed and good that you got rid of him.
He could have got a bus to meet up with you rather than have you pick him up all the time.
He could have suggested a taxi and paid for it, or you could have gone halves, so that you could both enjoy a drink.
Or he could have got a cheap run around car in addition to the Jaguar if he didn't want to drive that, rather than relying on someone else to ferry him around.

What were the other reasons you got rid of him?

Original poster

DuchessOfDisaster · 04/11/2021 22:51

@fumfspos

Yeah he couldn't be arsed and good that you got rid of him. He could have got a bus to meet up with you rather than have you pick him up all the time. He could have suggested a taxi and paid for it, or you could have gone halves, so that you could both enjoy a drink. Or he could have got a cheap run around car in addition to the Jaguar if he didn't want to drive that, rather than relying on someone else to ferry him around.

What were the other reasons you got rid of him?

Critical comments about my weight post lockdown, having a swollen lip and being told I looked ridiculous, being 'loud' - I have a strident voice, but I am not loud/gobby/lairy, telling me he was my F-ing carer and I walked too slowly (injured my knee and couldn't walk properly still can't, I need to sort out a scan on it I think), annoying him stopping taking photos on holiday, criticising my driving and eye rolling and sighing. Challenged this and he blew his stack, called me a attention seeker when I wouldn't engage. Next morning said he knew I wouldn't discuss it because he would 'annihilate' me. I've never heard such playground rubbish before. This was when it all came to a head.

He drags up misdemeanours of mine from 2004 and reminds me of all the things he has done for me over the years. He has, it's true. But the shine went out years ago and he became just a grumpy sod.

He told me I "treat him like s**t" and I asked for examples as that is rather a sweeping statement. He came back with I tell him we are doing this, that or the other, I make demands and kick off when he can't/doesn't want to do the same. This isn't true. What I actually do is make plans and ask if he wants to join in, but I didn't demand anything.

OP posts:

Shuffleuplove · 04/11/2021 22:57

I dumped someone for having jeans that had an elasticated waist. Another one for doing a weird chompy thing when he drank from a glass. Another because he admitted to used to having read The Sun. All robust decision making frankly.
Bin him. Keep the Jag though.

Original poster

DuchessOfDisaster · 04/11/2021 23:41

@Shuffleuplove

Ha ha ha! The Jag is his not mine, sadly!

OP posts:

maofteens · 05/11/2021 04:34

His refusal to drive is the least of it; he sounds awful. Good riddance.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/11/2021 05:24

Yuck. He’s a horrible little man with warped priorities and you are well rid

Blueuggboots · 05/11/2021 05:41

Sounds like a right tosser!!!

Justilou1 · 05/11/2021 05:59

He is a misogynist parasite who wastes oxygen every time he draws breath to speak. You would honestly have a far more emotionally satisfying relationship with a pointsettia - and it would give more back. Well done for getting rid.

fumfspos · 05/11/2021 08:59

Awful. Well done for getting rid.
The car issue was the least of the problems to be honest.

TheFoundations · 05/11/2021 09:55

It doesn't matter if he's selfish or not: he's gone.

What you need to be occupying your thoughts with now is yourself. Why would you allow someone to make you feel it was 'down to you' to drive them everywhere? Where was your 'No'? Where were your boundaries?

Whatever labels you want to put on his behaviour, think about how you will deal with this kind of thing if it crops up again for you. Your life is not about defining other people's failings; it is about learning how to define your own happiness.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/11/2021 10:06

He sounds abusive and selfish. And he could have asked you to put him on the insurance for your car so you could share the driving.

I think you made the right decision to dump him. But you need to stop dwelling on it and doubting yourself.

Original poster

DuchessOfDisaster · 05/11/2021 10:12

@TheFoundations - if things were booked and organised, ie holidays and weekends away, I'd go along with it - this is why I didn't say no to driving. But not now. I didn't want to miss out the experience - I wasn't doing it to placate or mollify him. A few times he would get a taxi to my house (9 miles away) but if he stayed over I would drop him at a convenient bus stop as I was usually out the next morning for the gym or similar.

His attitude didn't hurt, upset or even make me angry. It simply made me disappointed in him as an individual. He would grumble that I was always at the gym/zumba in the evenings, but this gradually happened when he couldn't be bothered. He also never made specific plans, it was always "when are we going to see one another" He'd never book anything, but if I did he thought I was bossy.

I picked him up and dropped him off on his birthday lunch, at which he moaned at my driving, told me it was a shame I wasn't wearing heels and made some daft joke.

I had only seen him once over the summer - his birthday - before the holiday which was early September. So it had totally fizzled and there were zero feelings left for me anyway.

This situation cropping up in the future is highly unlikely as I've no intention of relationships or even dating, total waste of my time. I'd rather spend it with good, real friends, and if I were to date, red flags would make me end it before it got very far.

Later this morning I am off on a weekend break that I booked for me and him - all by myself! Wine, books, PJs and Netflix. Really looking forward to the time away.

OP posts:

Original poster

DuchessOfDisaster · 05/11/2021 10:14

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

He sounds abusive and selfish. And he could have asked you to put him on the insurance for your car so you could share the driving.

I think you made the right decision to dump him. But you need to stop dwelling on it and doubting yourself.

He WAS on the insurance! Thanks, I am learning. I met him at university and I am now almost 46 so it has taken over half my life away, unfortunately. It was good in the beginning, but over the last few years there was nothing there.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/11/2021 10:21

Well done for making that decision. At 46 you have plenty of time to rebuild and regroup and meet someone who actually deserves you!

TheFoundations · 05/11/2021 10:25

Later this morning I am off on a weekend break that I booked for me and him - all by myself! Wine, books, PJs and Netflix. Really looking forward to the time away

Sounds great. Have a lovely time @DuchessOfDisaster

Original poster

DuchessOfDisaster · 05/11/2021 10:27

@TheFoundations

Later this morning I am off on a weekend break that I booked for me and him - all by myself! Wine, books, PJs and Netflix. Really looking forward to the time away

Sounds great. Have a lovely time @DuchessOfDisaster

Thanks! I always appreciate your commonsense comments on threads. :)

OP posts:

fumfspos · 05/11/2021 11:27

Enjoy your weekend break!
And spend lots of time doing things you want to do.
Enjoy the freedom of not having someone whinging on, criticizing and needing to be lifted and laid. I can't stand these "Little Prince" men who have to have everything their way and can't be arsed to lift a finger to organize something fun for their partner.
My ex was like that - we went on trips away a lot but in the end it got to me that he would not do any preparation or planning for the trip, nor would he help with any cleaning and packing before leaving and then he'd just get into the car as we were leaving for the airport or train station as if I was a fucking taxi service.

I've been single for 3 years now and it's so lovely. I've finally learned at age 45 that friendships are more important than having some man around (I'd bought into the whole "you need a man to be successful/fulfilled" that society imposes on women). Being true to myself and having lots of lovely people around is making me feel so much better.

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