How to ghost toxic family while pregnant?

[Sixtycats]

I'm sure if anyone sees this there's going to be people who disagree with our choice, but we've made up our minds it's totally gotten out of hand. Happy to give more context if needed, but I think this more or less sums it up:

So I'm from the most toxic dysfunctional family ever. You wouldn't believe me if you knew us, because my parents are experts in keeping up with the Joneses (or whatever that saying is) and my brothers are still close to them. I've always felt my brother's are their sons and I'm their property.
They're emotionally abusive, dismissive, self-centred, shaming, control freaks and approximately 1/3 of the times we meet up there ends up being a horrible fight and I leave feeling desperately low and upset. My dad uses fear to assert control and my mum uses guilt and shame. I used to crave a good relationship with them and I'd get upset over it, but now I've had enough. I'm 25 now, pregnant, long term relationship. OH has been through it with me and has seen the effect they have on me, he agrees we should cut them off before we welcome our new arrival. I don't want them anywhere near her, or me. For context, my OH usually tries to mediate and fix these fights but this time he has has enough and feels we've surpassed our last straw.

So how do you do it? I've started pulling back from social media and have ordered a new SIM card to change my number. We're looking to buy a house in another city to move to ASAP, where they can't just show up, as they won't have the address. I've set up an email (I'll send them the email address in a letter so they can email me if someone dies- good idea? Bad idea?). But what am I missing? How do you cut off certain family members and not others, or do you need to go whole hog?

Advice from anyone who's done this would be greatly appreciated!

Someone please chime in before I need to take this to Dear Deirdre :')

Hopefully somebody more knowledgeable will be over soon.

OP, you don’t need stress or drama caused by your family every time you see them. You are their equal not subordinate,your feelings are valid and you are capable of making decisions about your life.

Your family of course might have different opinion,you don’t have to honour it.
Everybody deserves to be treated with respect.

Sometimes when you go NC unfortunately you lose some family members as they either side with the NC’d people or are too scared to go against them. Their choice.

Choose life,peace,love and care over criticism,guilt,shame (of what) and toxicity.

@FrenchBoule

Hopefully somebody more knowledgeable will be over soon.

OP, you don’t need stress or drama caused by your family every time you see them. You are their equal not subordinate,your feelings are valid and you are capable of making decisions about your life.

Your family of course might have different opinion,you don’t have to honour it.
Everybody deserves to be treated with respect.

Sometimes when you go NC unfortunately you lose some family members as they either side with the NC’d people or are too scared to go against them. Their choice.

Choose life,peace,love and care over criticism,guilt,shame (of what) and toxicity.

Hope this type of response is okay, I'm unsure how to reply on the app! Thank you so much for understanding this, especially that thing about being 'equals'. They do treat me as their subordinate, my dad will shout and threaten and my mum will attack and shame until I'm reduced to tears if I make decisions they disagree with. Notably, they don't do this to their other children or anyone else. That's the part I'm scared of, that we will lose everyone or that other people will try to persuade us to see them again, of course my parents have a brilliant facade and it's rare anyone else gets to see how they really treat me, so no one understand. And I'm usually scapegoated as the 'problem child'. But you're absolutely right, our home is always peaceful and our friends are kind, respectful and loving. So that's what we need to choose, rather than the constant upset, shaming and toxicity. ESPECIALLY now we have our little girl on the way, I don't want her to have to experience them

Well there are two ways of doing it.

1. Wait for the next row and say 'thats it I'm done dont' contact me again 'and go No contact. ( I did this)

2. Just go NC and block their calls

I had to wait till there was another row as I wasn't brave enough to go ghost

Be prepared for other family member to fall out with you though and try and get involved in defending them AND be prepared for the guilt that comes with it.

I felt guilt. But honestly in the long run its worth it.

Thank you so much for this response!
If you went for option 2, how would you signal closure? A letter?
Aw gosh, I totally hear you on the guilt. How did you cope with it while it was fresh?
I also wonder how did you deal with defensive family members? I'm extra worried as I expect people will do the whole 'unfair to deprive them of their grandchildren' nonsense

What's your relationship with your siblings like? If they or other family members likely to side with your parents or act as their "flying monkeys" then you will probably need to cut the whole lot off or have limited contact with them.

I think ultimately you will have to cut off anyone who will put them first otherwise it jeopardises you cutting them off. It's hard in that no one else see the abuse you suffer. You, your family and your happiness must be your priority now. Try the Stately Homes thread for more understanding of toxic parents. Best of luck x

I went no contact with my dm and dsis when I was pregnant with my second dd. Family life was so toxic and I just couldn't take anymore.

It was the best thing I did for both my sanity and for my health (high risk pregnancy).

I'm back in contact with dm but not with dsis. I have to say, my relationship with dm has improved so much because I went nc for a few years. I will never speak to sibling again tho.

@category12

What's your relationship with your siblings like? If they or other family members likely to side with your parents or act as their "flying monkeys" then you will probably need to cut the whole lot off or have limited contact with them.

The relationship is horrible tbh! Just this weekend my brother called me every name under the sun in front of the whole family (of course, this is perfectly fine to them) because I said if my mum wanted a picture of me it was to be for the house only and not Facebook (I'm pretty private usually). As it happens, that wasn't good enough and my mum no longer wanted a picture. It's just one small example of the constant disrespect. We were actually all gathered to celebrate my baby, which made it sting a little extra. You're absolutely right about them, it's a shame as I like my brother's wife, but they will absolutely be flying monkeys. Abusive ones at that. This reminds me, when I told my brother we were expecting, he used that exact moment to lecture us on where we could and couldn't live. Hope that explains the dynamic a wee bit!

@AMALDO

I think ultimately you will have to cut off anyone who will put them first otherwise it jeopardises you cutting them off. It's hard in that no one else see the abuse you suffer. You, your family and your happiness must be your priority now. Try the Stately Homes thread for more understanding of toxic parents. Best of luck x

That's put into words how I feel, no one can see it because it's so covert in front of others yet so overt behind closed doors. I think you're spot on about putting our new family first. OH and I aren't married, but we're intent on staying together and our little arrival is a much planned, much wanted baby. She needs to come first in all things. Thank you for this reply, I'm feeling extra affirmed in my decision.

@Mylittlecoconuts

I went no contact with my dm and dsis when I was pregnant with my second dd. Family life was so toxic and I just couldn't take anymore.

It was the best thing I did for both my sanity and for my health (high risk pregnancy).

I'm back in contact with dm but not with dsis. I have to say, my relationship with dm has improved so much because I went nc for a few years. I will never speak to sibling again tho.

Okay so this sounds really similar to what we're going through.

I'm happy to hear it was good for your sanity. Was it always like that or did it take some getting used to? Did you have to explain yourself to family constantly?

How did you end up deciding to get back in touch with mum? Were things instantly better or did you need to work on things?

Lastly I wonder how mum + your wee ones relationship is? I wouldn't trust my parents near my children so I wonder did you come to trust yours?

Please ignore any questions that are too personal @Mylittlecoconuts

@Sixtycats

Thank you so much for this response! If you went for option 2, how would you signal closure? A letter? Aw gosh, I totally hear you on the guilt. How did you cope with it while it was fresh? I also wonder how did you deal with defensive family members? I'm extra worried as I expect people will do the whole 'unfair to deprive them of their grandchildren' nonsense

The thing is with sending a letter it will be shown about as evidence of how horrible you are ect.. And you may get a nasty one back.

I had loads of advice on here about not needing a row to walk away and in theory it made sense but in reality I couldn't do it as I was still getting 'nice' messages ect and I felt cruel. I knew eventually there would be one so I just waited and it came. It was one sly dig and I just stated I had had enough and that was it. My mother actually sent me a letter saying she would take me to court over access to my dd but nothing ever come of it.

I was really angry for a long time as it brought up lots of memories from when I was child ect, hurtful things they did. My mums would drop Christmas presents of at the door for my DD and walk off ect..I read lots of toxic parents books at it solidified I was right to do what I did.

Then I moved away and I didn't feel so guilty. However 15 years later through some other circumstances I got back in touch as I felt like a lot of time had passed and I knew my mum was on her own and I felt a bit sad for her. Met up a few times and it was great then on the third visit she just slipped back in to her old self and I havnt seen her since and that was 5 years ago and I do not feel any guilt. Some people are just toxic and will never ever change.

People will say that you are depriving them of a grandchild and try and stick up for them but they are just enablers - and always recognise that.

But be warned - grandparents do have some sway in court, a friend of mine was attacked by her mother in law in front of her 4 year old son. She obviously went no contact but the grandmother took her to court and she got access because she already had a relationship with him.

@Evesgarden

I wonder what would happen if we sent a very basic letter explaining our reasons and kept a copy of it, no return address. What do you think?

Good on you! It sounds like you knew what you needed and went for it. It's so hard! That's horrible. You must've been scared when you got that message.

Oh gosh that last bit really touched me. The guilt and yearning never goes away does it. But it's so good you were able to set down your boundaries again despite that, and that you never felt guilty. I hope to have that kind of steel.

THIS is the bit for us. If they have an existing relationship, I heard they can sue for access? But they don't have a leg to stand on if they dont? That's one of our reasons to cut them off NOW. Your poor friend, I can feel the pain. That's very likely the kind of thing that will happen to us.

Your response has made me feel like there's hope! One thing I was terrified of is that guilt eating me up!