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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why has it happened like this?

13 replies

AnnaTuesdaye · 04/11/2021 15:37

I’m desperately looking for some guidance. I have therapy but day to day I feel so low. I worked really hard in my twenties to get a decent job and probably didn’t take my relationships as seriously as I should have, though the ‘big’ ones ended for pretty usual reasons (them moving away etc).

I’m now a month away from 37 (I feel sick even typing that) and have spent the last few years with men who have just not gone anywhere with me.

I absolutely don’t want a family alone. I have no issue with others doing that but it’s not for me. I have considered it.

I’m faced with a future and a life filled with other people’s families. All my friends are settled down bar one. My sister has a perfect life with her family and husband and isn’t even 30 yet.

I earn good money, I’m not stunning but wouldn’t say im ugly either. I try to be a kind, caring person. I have interests.

I’ve never met the right person, or if I have I let them go in my twenties.

A relationship isn’t everything. I know that. But fucking hell I feel so alone. No matter how I fill my time I am so aware of the days and months passing where I unlock the door for yet another night to go into a dark quiet and empty house. I don’t know how I will manage one more night let alone years of this.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I feel like this just isn’t for me anymore. I am tired of dating. I feel broken.

OP posts:

TouchMyToe · 04/11/2021 15:39

OP, don't give up, you still have time on your side to get married and have a baby. You can meet someone and get married within a year. Have you tried internet dating?

Original poster

AnnaTuesdaye · 04/11/2021 15:44

@TouchMyToe

OP, don't give up, you still have time on your side to get married and have a baby. You can meet someone and get married within a year. Have you tried internet dating?

@TouchMyToe hi, yes I have. I do have chats and dates but I’ve been doing this for nearly ten years now, with some shitty short relationships along the way. I am so broken. I’ve had shit loads of therapy too and don’t feel like there’s anything unhealthy about my approach to dating, I am just fed up with it all. It feels is unfair.

I also think I lost who was the love of my life in my twenties and wish I had been more focused on it all then :(

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnaTuesdaye · 04/11/2021 15:44

@TouchMyToe it definitely doesn’t feel like time is on my side. I’m 37 in a month. 37… it’s so old to even think about starting a relationship with a view to settling down and having a family.

OP posts:

updownroundandround · 04/11/2021 15:57

Life can't pass you by unless you let it.

Seek out clubs/hobbies and put yourself out there, because no-one's going to knock on your front door and ask for a date, are they ?

I understand that you're 'tired of dating', but don't let that stop you being at least 'social'.

Why not ask your married friends to maybe ask some unattached single guys for a BBQ/dinner/ drinks etc too ? (Better if there's a few people attending, so it's not like an awkward 'blind date' scenario.)

Join in with others in group activities e.g Quiz night at your local/ Walking group at the weekend etc etc, whatever you're interested in really.

No-one can say for sure whether or not you'll meet the 'love of your life' doing these kind of things, but at least you won't be dwelling on your lack of love life and ''unlocking the door for yet another night to go into a dark quiet and empty house'' day after day after day.

Also remember, you get out of life what you put in. If you do nothing new, you'll get nothing new. So take the plunge and go outside your comfort zone. You may be pleasantly surprised.......

sunnyzweibrucken · 04/11/2021 16:11

I also think I lost who was the love of my life in my twenties and wish I had been more focused on it all then

OP I relate to this so much. I'm much older than you but
I too was with the love of my life in my early twenties but I focused too much on everything else but him and i'm sure that pushed him away. I regret that every day. He went on to marry someone else and has been married for 30 years now and I always wish it was me.

BUT you are only 37, which to me means you have time to meet someone else. Just make sure not to spend too much time with anyone you aren't really into or raises red flags. I didn't do that and wasted more time til it was too late for me. I wish I had mumsnet back in those days cause things could be different for me now if I had lol

I would do anything to be 37 again, i know many women that have met someone in their late 30s and was married with a kid by 40 or early 40s, so there is hope. Just pay attention to your gut and don't get comfortable with someone who is willing to string you along forever til it's too late - I did this twice and now it's too late for me.

flipflop256 · 04/11/2021 16:18

Absolutely agree with the other posters. You still have time! I broke up with someone at 37 then a year later met my current partner. Now we are trying for a baby. The most important thing is to not waste time with people who aren't right. Do as much internet dating as you can as I do think it pays off (despite being boring/depressing/time consuming). You will definitely meet someone!

AdrianeMole · 04/11/2021 16:35

I was in a horrible relationship age 36 and then met the one age 38, we now have a baby on the way.
I would say the therapy sounds good, I read this book Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward, its super cheesy but has little exercises that get you to shed any ideas and fears that are holding you back, indulge in hobbies (maybe a new class where you will new friends who are not all settled down) go on holiday if you can and continue to date.
I would say it's about finding joy in life, then when you do on dates you don't take it too seriously and you are happy.

TouchMyToe · 04/11/2021 18:45

OP, it is not too late. I tried internet dating for about five years, i was in and out of short term relationships but i never gave up, i knew what i wanted. I met someone in 2020 and now we're married and talking about kids. I'm older than you. You just have to pick yourself up and go again

earlymorningbakery · 04/11/2021 18:56

I get you. I'm 35 and never managed to go beyond a few dates.

I never knew loneliness could be like an actual, physical ache. I watch everyone else and just don't know how they did it. I don't seem any different to them and they've found someone they love and who loves them.

I know there's nothing really to say, but I'm in the same position and I empathise

fanx · 04/11/2021 19:38

How are other people's random success stories relevant to your own chances? It's random! Just because it happened to them doesn't mean it will or won't happen to you. There's no scientific way to gauge probability. For all the people for whom it's worked out, there are countless others for whom it hasn't. They just don't come on to this forum/thread to proclaim that.

Create a life/state of mind where you accept any eventuality: meeting someone or not and enjoy the connections that you already have and which may come.

Since you won't consider solo parenting, you're removing an element of control over having children but I presume that's a consideration you've already thought about.

category12 · 04/11/2021 20:40

I don't really believe there's a "love of your life" that you can miss out on.

If it was meant to be, it would have been.

And there is more than one person out there for anyone. As Tim Minchin sings "I mean I think you're special but you fall within a bell curve".

You have half your life ahead of you yet, probably more than half - and yes the biological clock is ticking, but you still have some time left for that too.

I know it's not much comfort, but fgs, don't beat yourself up about not hanging on to some bloke from the past. It wasn't right then, don't rewrite history to smother yourself with regrets.

fanx · 04/11/2021 22:35

@earlymorningbakery

I get you. I'm 35 and never managed to go beyond a few dates.

I know there's nothing really to say, but I'm in the same position and I empathise

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. How much settling went on in order to avoid loneliness/singlehood. Nobody will admit to this in real life of course. Or, they got lucky and were at the right place/right time.

Do you want children Op?

TouchMyToe · 05/11/2021 06:24

@fanx

Create a life/state of mind where you accept any eventuality: meeting someone or not and enjoy the connections that you already have and which may come.

Since you won't consider solo parenting, you're removing an element of control over having children but I presume that's a consideration you've already thought about.

Nothing in life is random, you reap what you have sown, it is the law of nature, what goes up must come down is another law. You just need tl believe and persevere. You really have to work hard to get what you want out of life. I'm not saying i have all the answers, i'm just saying hrd work is required

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