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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I just be content with what I've got ?

19 replies

Snugglebum20 · 04/11/2021 11:54

Together almost 20 years, married 15years. 2 DC (11 & 14) 1 with complex SEN. Lovely house in a quiet and small cul-de-sac with great neighbours and community spirit. Freedom to go out whenever I want as H here to look after the DC as/when needed. Very healthy (joint) income, I can buy whatever I want (within reason). Great holidays for DC (with H) and also with just my friends too. In many ways I feel single - I go out/away/concerts/dinner parties with my friends. H isn't bothered as he is then left to game on the sofa uninterrupted with the TV to himself. This is his idea of a perfect week-end/night.

BUT ... H is emotionally disconnected from me (and always will be, his choice). He doesn't communicate with me about anything ever (possible aspergers). He doesn't do small talk. He is happy not talking. No sex or intimacy by either of us. I want sex but just not with him. He would have sex with me if I gave him the green light. No thoughtfulness from H 'just because'. I don't bother with him on this aspect either now as nothing I do/buy/arrange/say is appreciated or wanted.

H once told me he has no interest in knowing what I'm interested in/I like. We each do our own laundry/food shops/dinners. We don't eat together. He's a gamer (I cannot stand gaming). No arguments. No huge rows. No anniversary cards/gifts/celebrations, same with Xmas, as we've both agreed not to do these things. No nothing. We work around each other for life admin & the DC like we are 2 hands on a clock.

I love my DC. I love my lifestyle in terms of holidays/house and freedom to go out/away when I want. I would have to sell the house if we separated.

H seems happy as we are. He has it all - a wife who sorts the house and most of the time the DC too. He games/watches TV all eve and week-ends with no asks/pressures on him to do anything (any ask by me for him to do anything is either met with rolling eyes, procrastination or him claiming it doesn't need doing/isn't necessary). The living room is now totally his domain. Its like a teenagers bedroom in there. One of the DC commented to this effect the other week. The rest of us don't go in there anymore as it smells/has clothes everywhere and you have to move his stuff to sit down, We both work FT.

Should I just be content and stay put until the DC are older ?
Should I destroy the family unit by separating ?

I'm not interested in talking to him to change him/us.

OP posts:

Sarahlou63 · 04/11/2021 11:56

What family unit? You're already a de facto single parent, just make it official.

TheFoundations · 04/11/2021 11:57

Where do you think the decision about what you 'should' do should come from?

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/11/2021 11:58

Is a nice house in a cul-de-sac really worth living a half-life for? Wouldn’t you rather live in a flat on a main road but be enjoying your life and have the potential to meet somebody else who excites you and brings joy and who you have great sex with?

You won’t be destroying the family unit, because there isn’t one. Your DC are old enough to realise that, in comparison to their friends’ family set-ups, theirs is not normal or happy. If you’re already doing almost everything with the house and DC anyway, you’ll be absolutely fine without your husband.

rumred · 04/11/2021 12:01

Dear God he sounds insufferable. Why on earth are you with him? How would you feel if you found out you had a limited life span? Would you still be with him?

Dery · 04/11/2021 12:05

"Is a nice house in a cul-de-sac really worth living a half-life for? Wouldn’t you rather live in a flat on a main road but be enjoying your life and have the potential to meet somebody else who excites you and brings joy and who you have great sex with?

This. Remember also that this is the relationship model that your children are learning. Is this what you would want for either of them? I suspect not.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 04/11/2021 12:05

Ok, have sex with other people. Continue with your life until something changes it. Why not? People don't have to have a standard existence - you can do it your way.

Motnight · 04/11/2021 12:07

You already have a family unit that exists without your husband.

Dery · 04/11/2021 12:10

"How would you feel if you found out you had a limited life span? Would you still be with him?"

This is also a very important question. Most likely you have many more decades ahead of you but no-one knows what's round the corner. There was a heartbreaking thread on here a while back from a woman in her mid-40s who had finally and conclusively left the emotionally abusive relationship in which she had spent her entire adult life, only to be diagnosed with a terminal illness and not much time left. She felt she had wasted her life and so regretted not having escaped the damaging relationship sooner (for me, it's not beyond the realms of possibility that the abuse had contributed to her illness). Chiefly she was posting as a warning to others.

MissSmiley · 04/11/2021 12:15

I left someone very similar after 20 years, my ex admitted to probably having Aspergers after we split, his obsession was work, it's nearly 5 years now and I'm much happier, I kept the house (I had paid for it) I've retrained and I'm working full time, I'm dating, I'm much much happier, he's seeing someone, I'm genuinely happy for him, I have a great relationship with our children and he still does a lot for them but they're teenagers and live with me full time
Just do it, life is too short

Wombat49 · 04/11/2021 12:21

Sounds grim.

DC already know it's weird, sounds like you'll have more space to actually live in if you split up.

GoodnightGrandma · 04/11/2021 12:23

You need to move on and find a life you want to live.

Downintheworld · 06/02/2022 17:42

I could have written so many aspects of your op.

On paper it all looks wonderful, except it isn't. There are many aspects of my life that I do like and this would be disrupted if we split up (I have the ability to go out while husband looks after dc, no other support - family illness/living away etc. comfortable lifestyle, can do a low paid job I enjoy) There would be a trade off for me and less freedom in some ways, so I understand the difficulty you are having.

This applies to me too. Has this always be the case op or was there a gradual change or do you think you were just more tolerant of the situation? I do manage a bit of small talk with him but it is minimal and I try to make sure we have meals together as a family unit but communication is terrible, he is very work orientated and seems to zone most other stuff out unless it is something to do with his hobbies. He is also happy to spend his evenings watching TV and it is very much down to me to organise days out etc.

It sounds as if you've got a good social life op, whereas I am working on building mine up. My dc are young and I feel I need to be there for them so it comes with limits as to how much socialising I feel comfortable doing but definitely working on it. Ditto hobbies/interests.

I have definitely had a 'is this it/how did I get here?' moment today. I know it will pass but I have to dig deep as I sometimes feel lonely and sad (weekends seem the worse).

No answers for you op, just to say I understand what you've written completely.

Downintheworld · 06/02/2022 19:52

"How would you feel if you found out you had a limited life span? Would you still be with him?"

This has crossed my mind BUT I'm not exactly in an abusive situation (though there is some low level stuff going on) just an unhappy one and I think therein (in a way) the problem lies because in many ways it doesn't seem bad enough to jeopodise all the other aspects if that makes sense. I think the appearance of 'someone else' is pivotal to change in these circumstances (as another poster mentioned). However, I'm trying to improve my life in other ways and make it the best it can be. Having said this, for me, there is a constant rumble of discontentment which doesn't seem to go away.

Torres10 · 06/02/2022 22:10

Yes, I can completely relate to your dilema & it's not a simple decision I don't think.
I'm effectively in a flatmate marriage & having had the talk, my husband is happy for our relationship to continue in this way, so we effectively coparent amicably in the same house!
I think about pulling the plug lots..and it will be me, but there are lot of factors to consider
Negatively we would have to sell the house, share the kids, things would be harder for us both. Interestingly I met someone else, but I didn't act on it and it hasn't been the catalyst you suggest it might be. Mainly because I think its easy to see another relationship as a solution but I know deep down, it would come with its own set of issues & maybe I'm just too pragmatic to take that kind of a risk..basically it still wasn't enough :(

SunflowerTed · 06/02/2022 22:36

What a sad, cold, unfulfilling existence

Merrymermaid7 · 06/02/2022 22:45

I feel for you but if he is aspergic or on the spectrum maybe this needs discussion, I feel for both of you, he cannot help the way he is if this is the case

Downintheworld · 06/02/2022 23:05

What a sad, cold, unfulfilling existence

This is true and there is no denying that this is what anyone would want in an ideal world. I think you also lose a sense of peace...an underlying sense of unease that things aren't right. However, there are other aspects of life which are fulfilling such as dcs and friendships and pursuing interests - all of these would feature less in my life if I left my relationship (due to practical reasons seeing dc less/working more etc).

A fulfilling relationship wouldn't necessarily suddenly appear either...you've only to read the threads on the relationship board to realise this and having dc (especially young dc) can make things way more complicated - maybe along the lines of what Torres has written, perhaps you just reach a weary pragmatic way of being.

HelpWendy · 06/02/2022 23:09

I can complete relate to this thread. It’s the constant underlying unease that really gets to you.

frazzledasarock · 06/02/2022 23:14

Have you looked into how you would financially and practically cope on your own without your H’s income, his childcare etc?

If you’re happy to take the financial hit, have you considered where you’d live?
And if he worse case scenario refused to co-parent. You’d have less freedom. How would you cope?

Would you be able to afford similar standard of living that you have now? Or will it significantly deteriorate.
Would you be able to live happily with the latter?

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