To be selective about friendships when I don't have many friends?

[Steadyasshegoes]

I separated from my husband in the summer and I'm left in his hometown with only a couple of friends. One of my friends is actually from my hometown (20 miles away) but has made lots of new friends here through her long term boyfriend.

She very kindly keeps inviting me out with them, but the problem is that the friends of hers aren't really my type of people. Nobody makes conversation with me and I'm ignored if I try to, they are clearly a close-knit group and I'm an outsider. Also there is a lot of drinking that goes on- lots of shots and I'm past this. I have 2 young children to think about and have energy for, so it doesn't appeal to me but being around very drunk people when sober doesn't either.

I need to make friends and go out more however and if I decline, I feel like I'm being ungrateful as I really appreciate her trying to include me and I do want to make new friends.

Should I take up the offers or decline?

I’d keep it friendly and in touch with your friend and her crowd but I’d begin to strike out a little on my own.
What do you enjoy op? Yoga? Gym? Book club? Start thinking about what’s ‘your thing’ and you’ll find the people you can relate to better.
These friends of your friends enjoy a different way of socialising, you don’t (nor would I btw!) so cast your net wider. It might take a little while to form new friendships but you’ll get there. I personally found friends through gym classes and yoga so it started with a common interest and there was something to talk about.

It's really difficult to make genuine and meaningful confections/friendships in adulthood.

I'd also advise on keeping the friend in your life and maybe just continue to be more discerning in terms of the nature of the invites.

I've been in my current city 4 years, and have be made 1 friend - it's been an absolute slog. I moved around a lot, lost childhood/university friends. It seems that unless you're in a transitory stage/new to the country/etc most people already have their circle of friends/don't have time and energy for more it is hard to break through. A shared hobby could certainly be a vehicle to something more, but for genuine friendships like relationships taken time.

Dip in and out if it works for you. I use to hang out with a group of guys when I was younger. A friend, whom I'm still good friends with took me under his wing. The group was alright, served a purpose and I don't see any of them now apart from that one person.

Don't be around anyone who makes you feel bad. You might make some connections in that group, it might take time or never happen. Maybe try to have One on ones with the person you get with. Coffee, lunch, concerts that you have a spare ticket to.

Be selective if you want, don't be around people who dismiss you. My ex had a friend who I just didn't like, felt a weird vibe from her / dismissive attitude. I didn't want to be in the same room as her, ex could but I'd given it enough of a go so chose not to be.

There's 2 separate things here. One is that you're being invited into a social group where you don't fit it. The other is that you want to make more friends.

You are conflating them when they're not actually linked. These shot drinking buddies are not part of your effort to make new friends, and nor should they be. Set them aside and concentrate on making friends you actually want, otherwise you're just wasting your energy.

I would remain on friendly terms, but wouldn't do things I didn't enjoy doing. You can still see your friend on her own presumably?

Don't feel obliged to do stuff you don't enjoy. There will be other people out there who are more 'you'