Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

“I have further to fall”

24 replies

TitledLady · 04/11/2021 01:11

I’ve been dating someone for about a year and told her I am really falling for her. She has recently been given notice to leave her home and so I suggested she come and live with me. She replied that she was apprehensive because she had “further to fall” if things go wrong.

For context I have a solid lifestyle, stable career and have built up a good pension. She is a creative spirit, and works in a pub to make ends meet. Our earning discrepancy is significant and I pay for everything (willingly) and think that is the right thing to do.

Does she mean she’s worried of becoming too reliant on the lifestyle I am offering in case things go wrong? Sorry if that sounds pompous. I don’t know how else to put it.

OP posts:

Atmywitsend29 · 04/11/2021 01:15

If she moves in with you, and you pay for everything (rightly or wrongly) that leaves her in quite a vulnerable position - if anything was to go wrong she would be in a position of having no home and no money.

TrevorFountain · 04/11/2021 01:15

Well yes I suppose I'd read that as her saying she'd be either more (or too) dependent.

Did you ask her what she meant?

altmember · 04/11/2021 01:58

@Atmywitsend29

It sounds like that's the position she's currently in anyway? No reason why she shouldn't contribute towards the household expenses if the moves in with OP. Or, as the OP is feeling generous, they could allow her to build up some savings of her own and have a rainy day fund in case living together doesn't work out.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 04/11/2021 02:00

She certainly wouldn't have housing security, which is scary to consider, but could have savings to fall back on depending on if her expenses will rise or fall if she moves in with OP. I can see why she's worried. You need to talk in more depth about it and if you can't do that you probably shouldn't be moving in together.

Pallisers · 04/11/2021 02:09

I hate to sound dismissive but if you can't have the frank honest conversation with her about this you should not be moving in with her and you can't expect anonymous people on MN to interpret her for you.

talk to her and see what her concerns are and see how you can both figure it out. I wouldn't move in with someone in those circumstances if I were her - but I'd be happy to talk and explain it to a man if I I was falling in love with him.

Original poster

TitledLady · 04/11/2021 02:30

@Pallisers

OP posts:

Original poster

TitledLady · 04/11/2021 02:30

I really hope that’s just my anxiety talking though

OP posts:

RaisedByPangolins · 04/11/2021 02:52

Could it be in the context of falling for you? You say you’re “falling for her” - did she mean she still has some more falling to do before she’s on the same page?

Toddlerteaplease · 04/11/2021 02:56

I think she means that she'll be in more trouble if it did go wrong. As PP's have said; she's in a very vulnerable position. And you shouldn't have to fully find her. She should pay her way appropriate to her income. I think you'll soon come to resent paying for everything once the honeymoon period has worn off.

layladomino · 04/11/2021 06:36

I think she could mean that if she moved in, and things went wrong, she would have more to lose than you. Also perhaps that she would be in a worse position than now.

I agree with her. I also think moving in with someone because it's handy isn't a good reason. You would never really know if she would have moved in given 100% choice, or was this just better than being homeless? And from her perspective, she may feel resentful that you are in a significantly better position financially putting you at an undeniable advantage.

Much better, if she has other options, to do that, then see where your relationship goes naturally. If you both want it, you can still move in together, but at a time when you both know that you're doing it for the 'right reasons' and are doing it as 50/50 equals.

OnlyCans · 04/11/2021 06:41

If she is a creative spirit, is she being dramatic? From everything you've said, you have further to fall. She doesn't have a house and works to make ends meet. On the other hand you have everything and therefore more to lose. If it ends, she would be in the same position as she is now.

Onelifeonly · 04/11/2021 06:55

I don't think she should move in with you for reasons of convenience. The decision should be about your mutual commitment to the relationship.

I let a bf move in with me out of convenience once (didn't really want to as I had doubts about him but felt it would have been mean not to). We split up during the time he lived with me and I couldn't wait to get him out but had to as he was doing up a place he had bought so couldn't move in immediately.

Limpshade · 04/11/2021 07:05

I would interpret it as, she has a lot more to lose than you if the living arrangement didn't work out. You would still have your house, security, etc, but she would be quite vulnerable. If she doesn't feel you are "ready" to live together, then she's being quite prudent. I am quite a cautious person myself and there's no way I would move in with someone on "their" turf if I wasn't 100% confident it was going to work out.

spotcheck · 04/11/2021 07:14

OP
If you are unsure of her feelings, why ask her to live with you? Are you trying to 'get' her?

drpet49 · 04/11/2021 07:19

* Of course I asked her what she means. But she responded with “I have further to fall in every way”.*

^I can imagine the drama that awaits you OP. I would run as far as I could.

dustofneptune · 04/11/2021 07:20

It’s better to let her find her own place. If you want to move in together later down the line, that could be a decision that comes from mutual desire rather than convenience or lack of options.

It sounds like she feels it would put her in a vulnerable position and she doesn’t want to rely on you. Which is smart.

candycane222 · 04/11/2021 07:23

I think she's right to have doubts about moving in for the reasons limpshade says. She would inevitably become very dependent on you which makes her vulnerable.

I am guessing she is young? If she carries on being responsible for her own housing etc she will build up landlord references, have a life outside the relationship eg with her own flatmates, be able potentially to apply for benefits or perhaps have real motivation to develop her income / career / talent - or at least, her coping skills. To move in with you being the provider sounds as though despite everyone's best intentions, it could end up infantlising her.

I had a younger boyfriend move in to a house I owned once. I know with hindsight he felt it was a big mistake, when we slowly grew apart, he resented me and I think he felt his life had been 'stuck' because he was living with me.

TheChip · 04/11/2021 07:24

I would imagine she means that if things were to go tits up between you, then she wouldn't have anything.

Shes clearly not at the point of where she feels secure enough in tbe relationship to not have her own safety net.
Maybe let her get her own place and then have a trial of living together if you're both then ready to progress things.

Moonface123 · 04/11/2021 07:28

Could you maybe help her to get back on her feet somewhere else, near to you, for a while, and see how things unfold ?

oreo2020 · 04/11/2021 07:32

Firstly, you tell her 'I am really trying to figure out what you mean but I still do not understand. Please, explain'.

VitalsStable · 04/11/2021 07:36

Maybe she's not quite there in terms of falling in love with you? It could be nothing to do with finances/stability.

girlmom21 · 04/11/2021 07:40

I think she's intentionally being vague and dramatic, to be honest.

If you really want to help her and for her to have security can you suggest you live as housemates so she contributes towards the bills and goes on the tenancy, then if you split she'll have a legal right to stay?

zonky · 04/11/2021 07:47

I had a relationship in my late 20s which lasted 3 years with someone where there was a huge financial discrepancy.

At the time, I was living in a 'studio' flat and barely making ends meet each month. I moved in 2 months after meeting him, and spent the further 2 years wondering why I was in his property/why was I with him/would I have moved in with him so soon if I'd had my life sorted etc. In hindsight, and 10 years later I now know that the whole idea was about the fact I was extremely vulnerable at the time and now having my own property I'd never in a million years move in to someone else's so soon of have them move in to mine. He was a good person and I think tried to 'save' me from my awful financial situation but I look back on that relationship with embarrassment.

Op would need to really examine the truthful reasons for being/moving in with you, but sometimes it's hard to tease apart the nuances.

TheFoundations · 04/11/2021 10:09

[quote TitledLady]@Pallisers

Of course I asked her what she means. But she responded with “I have further to fall in every way”. I admit I pursued the relationship a lot to begin with and maybe the truth is she doesn’t truly fancy me but I am a “safe bet”[/quote]
This doesn't sound very healthy, or enough developed as a relationship to be moving in together.

Nor does your OP. You're asking a bunch of strangers on the internet what your own partner is feeling. Feelings are something that need to be willingly and openly shared in a relationship, not mysterious unsettling puzzles.

If you can't work this out together by talking, you ought not to move in together, really.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread