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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This guy-old

23 replies

stillvicarinatutu · 03/11/2021 23:27

I've been online dating for 2 years and I was getting so bored

Tonight I got the funniest, warmest message from a guy I wouldn't have looked twice at usually but his message was so funny, cute and endearing I ended up chatting.
He's witty and funny . Not a looker . But something is really nice about him and we have n interest in common.

I'd got so so
Jaded with the usual crap online . I'm on 2 sites .
I've had so many rubbish dates I'm a bit scared to go for it again.
But he is so - sweet ? Funny ? He's witty and endearing and lovely - do I go for it ? He's local . He's not creepy, just funny . And sweet .
I've been so pissed off with online dating .
This guy doesn't tick boxes looks wise but the first person I've gelled with in a while but others I've had same rapport with are just friends .
Is this just a waste of time ? I'm actually getting less inclined to
Meet people!

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 03/11/2021 23:33

Meet him and go for a walk. No harm in trying.

RhubarbCustardy · 03/11/2021 23:40

Meet up but if you don't fancy him then nothing will change that. Been there liked the guy but no chemistry in that dept so didn't go sny further.

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 03/11/2021 23:41

Thinks that's what's scary rhubarb

Everyone I've met has been "nice" but no chemistry and I'm worried there's something wrong with me!

OP posts:

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 23:53

You never know.

I'm fairly shallow as in I place quite a bit on looks, that just means I may have missed out on the so called perfect partner.

Give it a go, but at any point if it's not right for you then end, just don't drag him along.

Buildingthefuture · 04/11/2021 07:11

I would go for it…what’s the harm in meeting for a walk or a coffee? When I met my DH I was NOT attracted to him at all, without sounding really mean, he is not exactly a looker!! But, he’s charismatic, charming, attentive, kind…once I got to know him, I fancied the pants off him and, 16 years later, still do!

LadyCampanulaTottington · 04/11/2021 07:16

@Buildingthefuture

Same here. I met DH a few times through work and I didn’t look twice at him. We got put on a project together that meant working close for a few months.

Once I got to know him, I fell pretty hard and 20 years later we’re still together and I still think he’s the most amazing, kind, intelligent, caring human on the planet.

GoodnightGrandma · 04/11/2021 07:18

If you knew him in real life, like at work or as a friend of a friend, you might fall for him, even though you don’t fancy him.
Give it a go.

unicornsarereal72 · 04/11/2021 07:23

Go for it. I have been old for a while and was about to give up again when someone I wouldn't normally reply too sent me a message. He is so kind. Sweet and thoughtful. All the characteristics I was looking for but not traditionally handsome. Not that I'm a model either. I really like him and hope it has legs. 8 or so weeks in now.

heidbuttsupper · 04/11/2021 07:23

You should absolutely go. I worked with my late DH for a few years, wasn't attracted to him at all. One day it just hit me out of the blue, he felt the same, we got together and married a year later

furbabymama87 · 04/11/2021 07:43

Is the potential there to fancy him? Sometimes physical attraction can grow, it doesn't always knock you over. But I think if you don't find him at least a bit attractive, then there's no point. There has to be a little something to begin with, but maybe you'll only know that by meeting in person.

borntobequiet · 04/11/2021 08:45

You can have no idea if you’re physically attracted to someone until you’ve met them in person.

HollowTalk · 04/11/2021 08:55

I would definitely meet up with him!

Salayes · 04/11/2021 09:05

It’s really hard to tell about chemistry until you meet in person. There’s no harm in going for a coffee and seeing how you feel!

TheFoundations · 04/11/2021 09:44

@stillvicarinatutu

Thinks that's what's scary rhubarb

Everyone I've met has been "nice" but no chemistry and I'm worried there's something wrong with me!

Two things:

Most people aren't compatible with most people.
Thinking that something is wrong with you when you're trying to get into a relationship is an open door to mistreatment, because when things go wrong, you will look to blame yourself. Nix it.

Put the work in. Kiss the frogs. If you want a great relationship, keep making the effort. Some people are lucky and find someone quickly, some people have more of a marathon to run, and it's tiring. But it's a numbers game.

dilly123 · 04/11/2021 13:52

I've always been a "has to be an instant spark" kind of person until recently when I met a guy OLD ... ticked every box except there was no initial fireworks on my behalf. After our 1st date I was unsure if it was worth seeing him again but I did feel drawn to him. He is funny, caring, honest, attentive & very kind... based on this my feelings grew & grew. He restored my faith in men & my self confidence, 11 months on & im head over heels & fancy him like mad.

I'm 47 & it took me until this relationship to work out the guys that sometimes guys that give you butterflies straight away might not always be the best ones long term. I've been guilty in the past of not giving people a chance out of shallowness, I'm so glad I gave this one a chance.

Bookworm20 · 04/11/2021 16:14

He sounds like a breath of fresh air OP.
Meet up, have a couple of dates and see how you feel then.

I think a person becomes more attractive to you if they are a lovely person, looks are irrelevant.

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 04/11/2021 18:13

I'm careful because my hubby is the sweetest, kindest man I know but while he was always my best friend he wasn't ever going to be my lover .
My last relationship was - the sparks flew . It was absolutely electric, but we argued like cat and dog .

AnywY after lots of messages yesterday he hasn't messaged today . So maybe moot !

OP posts:

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 13/11/2021 22:39

Well. He remains the sweetest funniest man I've encountered online .
Now this is gonna sound shallow but his pics are not recent and we FaceTimed. He's a big fella - 20 stone . However he was already on a mission to get fitter and lose some weight. He's lost 5lb this week . He told me he has agrophobia and didn't go out for 7 years so liked weight on but he's worked hard at his issues and now goes out , works etc .

He sent a slightly needy message assuming once I'd found out he was a bigger guy I wouldn't be interested. I told him I don't actually care what size he is - if we meet and we have something great and if not I think we'd be friends regardless, I really like his wit and humour, he's clearly an intelligent interesting person .

He sent the sweetest message today while I was at work saying something like we I teriot our normal programming to bring you this important announcement.
You're beautiful.

It made me smile and did brighten my day.

He's working so hard to get himself into better shape for his health and I do really like him .

I just hope I don't hurt him if when we do meet up there no spark .
He says he wouldn't be weird about it and feels lucky to have met me regardless of what happens.

I seem to keep making some lovely friends online . No lovers yet tho or boyfriend material . This guy is however so warm , funny and witty , I talked to a fried. Today who said just meet him as there is nothing to lose .

OP posts:

samesign · 13/11/2021 23:06

Meet him soon as possible then you can decide yes or no quickly. I'd say give him a chance, meet, it's so difficult to tell from pictures or even video as it's not the same as meeting in person, sometimes they look great but you don't end up fancying them anyway. Sometimes I find I'll find someone attractive in RL but think if I ever saw them online I wouldn't match them, it's all about the chemistry.

Dillydollydingdong · 13/11/2021 23:40

My bf and we're messaging each in other for several weeks before we decided it would be a good idea to meet. I wasn't blown away by his appearance but was already hooked because we'd struck up a rapport by the messaging. His personality IRL was just as fun, upbeat, charismatic and interesting as it was online and his looks didn't matter. Its personality that's important.

mycatisannoying · 14/11/2021 07:13

OP, I too attract 'nice' guys. They're generally intelligent, funny, kind, etc. All qualities that are important to me. I don't see this as a bad thing exactly, and hopefully it's because I'm a good person myself! And I've generally enjoyed the dates I've been on, and made some friends.
However, in my experience anyway, this all comes at the cost of physical attraction and chemistry ... and least from my side.
It's a very, very difficult balance to get right. I could count on one hand or less! the number of guys I've felt attracted to, and haven't friend-zoned.
But because it seems wrong to turn down guys on account of looks, I keep going. I think I really need to change my approach. I deserve to meet someone I actually fancy!

unicornsarereal72 · 14/11/2021 07:36

Just meet Him for a cuppa or some lunch. You are invested now. So why not. My approach to old is to meet people and make friends. If something more comes from it then that is a bonus. I would strongly suggest you meet in RL now though. Good luck.

Rissole · 14/11/2021 07:53

@unicornsarereal72

This. Go in with this attitude and be friends with him. It sounds like he needs a friend. It sounds like he has the same approach.

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