“I want you but I don’t know to go about it”

[Duaalipa]

Is there such a thing as wanting to be with a girl, genuinely like her, have her like you back… but NOT be able to do it.

I’m in my lates 20s, took a chance dating a younger guy I met at work. He’s early 20s.

We’ve been seeing each other/basically in a relationship for 6 months. It’s always been a bit immature. He admitted me played games at the beginning to keep me interested (making me jealous for example) and exaggerating his experiences because I was older and more experienced.

We got to a place where we admitted our feelings for each other. He was really open about it, saying specific things he liked about me, saying he was falling for me. but nothing changed. In fact he became more distant. Longer to reply to messages, prioritising everything over me, including visiting his mum. No real effort with dates. Needed a lot of lead with stuff… for example if I said I wanted to go out for food, he’d arrange somewhere nice and take me. Or If I said I don’t like it when you do XYZ he’d listen and respond well, and stop doing it. He introduced me to his friends.

He says things like he’s fallen for me, but he doesn’t know how to handle that because:

1. I’m moving away in 8 months (I am, but his family live close to where I am, he’s also flexible with moving and doesn’t particularly like the job he’s in)
2. He thought I was gonna get back with my ex (I effectively had a month break from ending our engagement to dating this guy)
3. He didn’t think I liked him back in the way that he liked me

He told me he just turns off his emotions sometimes to deal with stuff.

Our last conversation went

Him: “Fucking this up wasn’t worth it. I genuinely have never felt like this for someone, I’m speechless at how much I’ve ruined this”

Me: “you’ve no idea what you want”

Him” “I want you. I just don’t know how to go about it. That’s the truth”

Is this even a thing?

Sounds like an arduous drain on your joy fund. Teenage fare. Really immature and solipsistic.

I don’t suppose you’ll put up with it for much longer.

He's early 20s OP, some are mature but he isnt. It'll be a right pain in the arse.

Not worth the effort. If a guy wants to be in a relationship with you then they'll make it work, not make excuses. He's messing you around.

Longer to reply to messages, prioritising everything over me, including visiting his mum. No real effort with dates. Needed a lot of lead with stuff… for example if I said I wanted to go out for food, he’d arrange somewhere nice and take me. Or If I said I don’t like it when you do XYZ he’d listen and respond well, and stop doing it. He introduced me to his friends.

You're annoyed because a guy you've been seeing for 6 months and you're annoyed that he doesn't answer texts the minute you send them, he goes to visit his mum (the audacity) and I'm sorry I don't know what your problem is with the last 3 points .

Sounds very immature, move on.

When you say you want to go out to eat he arranges it, books it and takes you. You tell him you don't like the things he does, he listens and stops doing them, and you've met his friend. What's the problem with these things?

What an a immature wanker.

If you hadn't given your ages, I would have guessed the both of you are about 15. Get rid of this child, FGS.

He sounds like the tediously intense young men I lusted after when I was at uni. Fortunately I grew up, hope they did too.

What a waste of your precious life.

You both sound like hard work. You've been with him for six months (on the rebound from an engagement) and want him to move away with you (if I read right) and give up his job. You are in competition with his mum.

I'm usually a man hater but I think I'd switch off my emotions rather than deal with all this drama six months in.

On his part though it's a bit unhealthy he was playing games.

You sound like a perfect drama couple

I’m not listing those things as bad things, just that he had to be guided.

I didn’t ask or expect him to move he hinted at it

For context you'd really have to post what preceeded his last two sentences.

But I also think it's all very dramatic over what is basically a rebound for you.

That conversation was focused on him basically going distant for no reason during his birthday week. So I basically just said this is not working for me.

He then preceded to say he was backing away because he’d been in this situation before & last time he let his guard down the girl moved away like I was going to. He said he had wrecked it by not making more of an effort.

I think your expectations are unreasonable. You’re late 20s; he’s early 20s - that’s a big difference, particularly when it’s the woman who’s older. And the examples you’ve given of what he’s supposedly getting wrong don’t really seem like he’s getting things wrong. You tell him what you want. He gives you it. You feel you have to lead him but this kind of thing is where late 20s vs early 20s shows. You’re moving away. It’s not unreasonable of him to feel the relationship isn’t worth pursuing. It would be presumptuous of him to just assume he could come with you, so early on in the relationship.

You had just ended an engagement when you got together with him. It feels like you’ve rushed to fill the vacancy and are trying to squash him into the shape of partner that you’re used to from your previous relationship. What’s the rush?

"last time he let his guard down the girl moved away like I was going to"

Oh please. He sounds like a manipulative drama queen. Move on, OP.

He sounds like a drama queen and quite immature. I wish I had learned when I was younger that if a man is interested in you, you know.

People can have issues, perhaps concerns from a previous relationship. But you are left in no doubt that they are interested in you.

It is possible that there is something in his mind, or in his experience, that is stopping him moving forward, but that's almost not the point. The fact is he is telling you that he finds this relationship stuff difficult. He may always be like this. Is that what you want out of a relationship?

@Dery spot on.

Fundamentally OP you're nearer your 30's he's nearer his teens, respectively. It is what it is and I don't think you're the right person for him and ultimately he knows that too and you probably do as well..

Just quit whilst you’re behind as this sounds like a total mess so much drama and nonsense I don’t even know what you want, you’re moving in 8 months so just go meet someone else and quit the drama. I don’t know where people get the energy for that kind ‘relationship’ what’s the point neither of you seem happy so why continue. You say he’s immature so why not go out with someone who isn’t. Date and enjoy life until you meet someone who you actually want to be with.

I think you need to grow up yourself and realise that the thing to look for is a partner who does know how to go about it, and doesn't make a drama out of a simple thing.