Let's talk about sex - I have forgotten what it is like! Is this normal??

[thirtysth]

OK so my dh and I have had sex once in the past four years. He is totally not concerned about this and says he has zero libido. I however am concerned about this, have plenty of libido but don't actually fancy dh that much anymore and so make do with going it alone.

I just wondered if we are normal??? I always thought this no sex once you were married thing was a myth.
We've been married for 8 years and our sex life has never been THAT good. Dh has always had a much lower sex drive than me.

I've tried talking to him about this, but he really hates to talk about it and just finds excuses (he's too stressed, too overweight, dd is often in our bed etc etc). Can our marriage survive without sex?

from recent threads this is not uncommon..but whether you can continue like that or want to is a personal choice

once in 4 years?
bloody hell, that cant be common?

Personally although I am sure you will hear from people who are happy in sexless marriages I think this is something you need to address. For a start you are not happy with the situation. What is the risk that if you don't resolve it one of you will end up having an affair? Not saying that this is bound to happen, but the risk must go up.

There are often physical or psychological reasons for a low libido that can be dealt with. Low testosterone can be a problem. Stress and being overweight are part of it - but that should be a signal to try to reduce stress and loose weight.

I know he doesn't like talking about it but I think you really need to sit him down and say that this problem is not going to go away. This is something important to you so he should at least explore ways of improving your sex life. Relate do sex therapy. Perhaps if you booked both of you in, and then raised the subject once you have your first appointment through. He may not come with you, but it is worth going on your own anyway. That might make him decide to come.

Once in 4 years! I'd say this can't be normal, what's the point of being in a relationship without sex? You might as well jusdt be friends.

If you aren't happy about this then it is unlikely that your marriage will survive it imo. Of course, if it wasn't a problem for you either that would be a differnt matter. What if you never have sex again in your life? Would you be happy with that?

It's not normal, no.

Sometimes marriages work when neither party is interested in sex but usually it's a case of one person wants sex and the other doesn't - difficult.

I am married to a man with a very low sex drive, in fact we are almost on a par with thirtysth. I do have a need for both the intimacy and physical release. His lack of interest has had a huge impact on my self esteem. We have had lots of converstions (well me telling him how I feel) and then I just things like "lets park the issue and fopefully it will resolve itself. It has not.

I bought a vibrator and that has helped. Being able to satisfy myself has reduced the frustration (basiac sexual frustration and general frustration towards DH).

My DH is one of life's gems, lovely bloke, adores me, great Dad. We are however like perfect flatmates in my mind and soulmates in his. He would be devastated if I left. I cannot bear the thought of hurting him but if I am being honest, am asking myself whether the relationship just has enough in it to sustain for the rest of my life.

Really tough one. Good to know that people like us are not alone, there are loads of couples where there is an imbalance.

Sorry I didn't get back to this thread yesterday. Thanks for the replies.

The thought of never having sex again is terrible. I know that things cannot go on as they are.

Chepstow1 I could have written your post. My dh is also a great dad and we are like "flatmates".

I really need to get this sorted as you said, waiting for it to resolve itself just isn't working.

Hi,

We go round the same loop and have done for ages. We talk about "our sex life", he does not comment, just nods, because I love him and hate hurting him, I say " we are so lucky we have so many other things in common and get on so well, so lets just focus on those and hope the sex comes back". Then the frustration bubbles away and I go mental over an untidy house or the fact he has left me to fill the car with petrol.....all I really want is a good s**g. Sadly, the longer someone rejects you, the less you want them, and whilst I can appreciate my DH is not unattractive by a long shot, the idea of him touching me repulses me at time now. After a few wines I sometimes get my courage up and pounce, it always ends in a huge row as he says he hates me when I am intoxicated. The next day I walk round like a zombie (not hangover, just hurt) and he is so mortified that we eventually hug as neither of us likes the other upset.

We have long spells apart (work) and different sleep patterns (I am an early to bed person he is late night), but to be honest I think this is an excuse. If a bloke wants a shag he almost frog marches you to the bedroom.

I really don't know about the long term. We do get on well, love doing lots of things together, are good parents, but there is a huge chunk of me missing.

Some days I am OK and quite content, usually when we have had a great family day with DS. A lot of the time I feel lonely and very uncertain about the future.

Sorry you are going through this, I havent got much advice, my thread could have been written by you, and vice versa.

There is some good advice on here and on the one that I started, I think the key is talking, and going back to "basics" as such - we are starting back at the begining, and to be fair it is hard, (excuse the pun) but hopefully it will get sorted. I have set a date in my own head, and if things havent drastically improved by then, I'm going to suggest drs or relate.

Oh lordy, read your thread. Scary scary scary home truths.

Do you know, I have actually been off MN for a while because I have not been able to face our issues. Once again, trying to smooth things over. This post is about thirtysth, but thanks to everyone who has posted as this is hugely helpful.

One final comment (if I may), One part of me thinks, do I really know what way is up??? My DH, I swear is kind generous, sweet, we are both in professional occupations but he would love it if i stayed at home ang watched telly and ate chocs all day (he know I would never do that, so is probably jesting, but the point is that his only goal is to make me happy , other than the bedroom stuff ). We laugh, we are considerate to each other, we however are like how I imagine myself to be in my 70's not 30's.

Things have not been helped by the fact that I have been brought up in a very open house when it comes to sex. In fact Mum called only yesterday to complain that Dad now wants it in the afternoons now the weather has got cooler (as well as mornings, at least 3 days a week.........). They are late 60's and married 40+ years....