Asexuality, loneliness and not yet suicidal, but getting closer.

[TiredOfBeingLonely]

Okey, been having a really rough few weeks and now I’m tired, sad, pretty hopless and feeling very sorry for myself.

Can’t talk about this to anyone, so here I am having a short rant.

So, like I said, I’m asexual, can’t have sex, but really, REALLY want a romantic relationship.
Well, there is no one who would be interested.
So I have been single my entire life.
And I hate.
Don’t like.
I’m lonely.
Jealous of couples, can’t stand seeing them.
I am terrified I have to live my whole life alone.
I’ve had many anxiety attacks just because I’m lonely and I don’t know what to do to help myself.
I feel like a freak.

You're not a freak OP. You need support, to be able to talk to others who understand. My first thought was could you date online, other asexuals. It could be worth seeing if any online dating sights allow you to chose asexual as an option. You wouldn't be the only asexual person facing this. Have you tried support groups?
A quick search on FB threw up several groups for asexuals. I've used support groups in FB to help me through tough times before, it can really help to speak to people who understand where you're coming from and who have been through what you're going through. You could also ask there, for those who wanted a relationship, how they found one that meet their needs where their partner was also not interested in sex.

You’re not a freak.

Can I ask a couple of questions?

Are you male or female?

Is there a reason you can’t have sex? Or do you just not want to? Feel free not to answer if it makes you uncomfortable obviously.

I know how you feel op. Was only thinking tonight who is going to sign up to a life without sex. I recently really liked a guy who I believe fucked me off over this. He went to kiss me and I dodged it. He clearly didn't just want a kiss I could tell. Thought I'd dodged it in a "nice way" as in passing it off I was ABIT to drunk move to the side comical really🤷. I Try to see the funny side 😂.Been really sad about it though as now he ain't interested at all. I couldn't explain to him why I "needed" to dodge it. But it was because we were in bed and I was worried it would progress. I too just want a cuddle. I just wanted you to know your not alone. I honestly don't know what the answer is. But I'm here if you ever want to chat 🙂

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

Thank you for your comment.
I don’t have FB, so I didn’t know that was a thing.
I’m gonna look into that.

@Sexnotgender

I’m a woman.

I’m pretty sex repulsed (seems to get worse the older I get) on top of not feeling sexual attraction.
I don’t think I like being touched much.
Or at least it’s going to take a long time.

I really don’t see myself being able to have sex.
I can’t even tell if I like men or women or both.
Also if there were penetration involved, I don't know if that would be physically possible.
I think there is a lot wrong with my mind and body.

Thank you both for your comments and being nice.

you are not a freak! My DD is asexual and she is a wonderful, wonderful person, being asexual does not make you a freak.

The other obvious point is that not all couples are happy; many are miserable but scared to be alone. So there is no point comparing yourself to a broad spectrum of coupledom, some will be doing great, some will be as lonely as you but people will think they are just fine because they are in a couple.

Can you separate things out a bit?

You sound on a downward spiral because the rough few weeks have taken it out of you. So be gentle on yourself. It is not the time to start being down on your whole life and future. It is the time to be gentle on yourself. I don’t have the answers what to do about loneliness, but I do think that life is easier if you are rested and not emotionally exhausted. Have you spoken to anyone in real life about how you are feeling?

Plus it is heading to winter and that can be mentally more tough anyway because less light, less opportunities to be outside and lifting your spirits. Are you getting out and about? I will be honest and say I just got prescribed anti-depressants because I was so meh and could not face winter. We are coming through a pandemic and all our resources are low.

And finally, anxiety is a b*gger. Do you have any medication for it? Meditation is also helpful (at least I find that).

I don’t know at all about finding romantic relationships as an asexual person. My DD is at university so there are a few ace people that she has got to know, as well as her usual friends. She has not got to the stage where people have seriously started pairing off.

Sorry, by my last sentence I meant that I imagine my DD will face some of the issues you mention when her non-asexual friends start pairing off.

Well, I don't think you should force yourself to have sex you don't want.

Obviously your pool of potential partners is going to be smaller as an asexual person, but there are other asexuals and grey-sexuals out there - I think you need to try to connect with that community.

www.asexuality.org/ Maybe try here for some support/signposting?

Can you explain what you mean about being romantic?

When I think about romance I often link it with being touched/sex so maybe it’s not romance you are after?

I think you would suit another asexual person who feels similar to you.

@WonderfulYou

Can you explain what you mean about being romantic?

When I think about romance I often link it with being touched/sex so maybe it’s not romance you are after?

I think you would suit another asexual person who feels similar to you.

It’s a deep , emotional feeling that makes me want to have, well, romantic contact with someone. It’s not sexual to me. But I can recognise the massive difference compared to just wanting to be friends with someone. And I wish we could live together, go on dates, be committed to each other and share our lives together.

Have a look t AVEN OP.

@MumofAceDD

you are not a freak! My DD is asexual and she is a wonderful, wonderful person, being asexual does not make you a freak.

The other obvious point is that not all couples are happy; many are miserable but scared to be alone. So there is no point comparing yourself to a broad spectrum of coupledom, some will be doing great, some will be as lonely as you but people will think they are just fine because they are in a couple.

Can you separate things out a bit?

You sound on a downward spiral because the rough few weeks have taken it out of you. So be gentle on yourself. It is not the time to start being down on your whole life and future. It is the time to be gentle on yourself. I don’t have the answers what to do about loneliness, but I do think that life is easier if you are rested and not emotionally exhausted. Have you spoken to anyone in real life about how you are feeling?

Plus it is heading to winter and that can be mentally more tough anyway because less light, less opportunities to be outside and lifting your spirits. Are you getting out and about? I will be honest and say I just got prescribed anti-depressants because I was so meh and could not face winter. We are coming through a pandemic and all our resources are low.

And finally, anxiety is a b*gger. Do you have any medication for it? Meditation is also helpful (at least I find that).

I don’t know at all about finding romantic relationships as an asexual person. My DD is at university so there are a few ace people that she has got to know, as well as her usual friends. She has not got to the stage where people have seriously started pairing off.

Hello!

Yes, I realise not all relationships are happy or healthy, but it’s more this whole attitude that everybody wants to be in a relationship, lots of topics are around dating/relationships/sex.
It’s a lot to handle.
But yes, I’ll keep reminding myself it’s not be-all and end-all.

I don’t have anyone to talk about asexuality, but I do have help for my anxiety with my therapist.

Yor daughter sound lovely, it’s good she knows other aces.
I’m older, so missed the boat when it comes to asexuality being more known.

Are you going to give joining the ace community a go?

I was reading about this activist who seemed really interesting and gave me a different view of Asexuality. Yasmin Benoit. Might be worth a read.

instagram.com/theyasminbenoit?utm_medium=copy_link

@category12
Yes I am, and I previously have.
I left because they were very much of ”asexuals can and do have sex” narrative.
So I felt outsider in a outsider community.

@Eesha
Yes, I know of her.
But she is, unfortunately, the sex positive kind.
She pushes the same aces have sex, dress sexy etc.
So that is no help.
Doesn’t really make any difference from non-asexuals.

That is the big part of why I feel so alone.
But I do appreciate the help and once again, for being kind about this.

Facebook one I didn’t know about, so that is something I’ll take a look at.

Gosh, I'm surprised that "I'm asexual and it's fine for me not to have sex," isn't more the narrative of those groups. Hopefully you'll find one where you can relate more.

I’m confused. I thought asexuals didn’t have sex?

If they’re having sex surely that means they’re not asexual?

Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

Hi OP I can totally relate to how you are feeling, it's a very lonely in a world which seems so highly sexualised. I would be very careful about identifying as asexual on dating apps, unfortunately there are a proportion of the opposite sex who often see this as some sort of 'conversion challenge'. I haven't found the answer to this yet, and found it pretty freaky when they have tried it on with sex chat, or worse still.. held off and then come in with the sex chat when you've already got your hopes up. It's so demoralising and depressing.

On saying that there are some pretty nice asexual groups on facebook which incorporate demisexual, gray sexual etc people. It can be a nice place to discuss things and make friends, however being in the UK i've found these mainly to be US based.

I've heard of AVEN but haven't really looked into it much. Please just know that there is nothing 'wrong' with you. You are who you are!

For me, I identify as asexual/demi. I could happily live without sex but have had it in the past (which has ultimately been unfulfilling). I do have a son but i've been single for many many years and the thought of trying to date puts me off as it will make me realise that my thoughts and feelings aren't as 'mainstream' as I would like to think. I have negative experiences around sex and I have the total 'ick' about it all so it may be that my sexuality has evolved via trauma. But I still am what I am. Everyone on the asexual spectrum is different. I agree it's really hard to meet someone though. Not sure what else to suggest so i'm following this with interest also just wanted to offer you a handhold

@Sexnotgender

I’m confused. I thought asexuals didn’t have sex?

If they’re having sex surely that means they’re not asexual?

Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

Asexuals can have sex, but maybe they didn't find it a fulfilling experience/enjoyable. Maybe they do it to please their partner who otherwise wouldn't provide any intimacy. It can be through time and experience of relationships where you find this out. Some asexuals can just be happy masturbating, or some asexuals can be completely sex repulsed. Or it can be a combination of any of the above. Asexuality is on a spectrum.

Well, these days it’s very much ”lack of attraction, not action”.
And many of us have a libido.

But I personally don’t understand it either, so can’t be much of help how they go about it.

But yeah, a lot of ace communities talk about sex a lot and they have the loudest voices.

But on a positive note, I went and signed up for FB and now I wait if ace community there let’s me in and what they are about.

@wobblywinelover

Hey, and thank you!

Yes, I’m now waiting to see what aces on Facebook are like.

And yes, it is difficult to meet/find other asexuals.
I live in a oretty small country, so the pool is pretty much size of a raindrop.