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Original poster

Help me get over someone who didn't happen

19 replies

writergirl747474 · 03/11/2021 15:55

This will sound ridiculous at my age (43).
Had a big crush on a fitness instructor for the past few months - small group classes so fairly 'personal' and I go several times a week. We've had several long post-session chats where we have got on well, had lots in common, he asked lots of questions about me, and me about him, easy to talk to etc. He's not conventionally attractive - not 'out of my league' pretty boy PT - but I fancied him loads and felt a connection. He's single.

I casually mentioned going for coffee once or twice but he's always been unable to (maybe excuse, maybe not). But he gave the impression we would at some point.

Today he said it was his last session - got a new job (miles away). I was gutted, just about managed to do the exercise class without crying. We text a bit after - I suggested coffee later today but he couldn't for various reasons. He said to "keep in touch".

I've made it fairly clear (I think) that I'm interested and he's obviously not. I suppose I've been hoping we'd get to know each other better and he'd eventually like me too. I'm so upset he's left and I'll never see him again after so much daydreaming about him for months, and being on a high after our cosy little chats. It's kept me going during a crap time (family stuff). But it was all a fantasy in my head.

I just feel so sad. How do I get over something that wasn't real? I don't need to be told how stupid a crush is at this age - would appreciated advice from others who've felt this way.

I've been OLD throughout this as well as doing other activities where I might meet someone - not just waiting for him - but zero connection with any of my dates.

OP posts:
litterbird · 03/11/2021 16:05

So sorry to hear that you are upset. It’s ok to have a crush at any age. We are still human. The only advice is to stop contact, cry and grieve for your fantasy future and take time out to be sad. Not for too long mind you. Still being able to have a crush and get those feelings means that one day you can have those feelings again for someone else in the future that may be able to feel the same. It’s pants OP because meeting someone IRL that you like seems such a rarity these days it gutting that he is off to pastures new. I think his reluctance to meet for coffee was because he knew he was looking to move for work.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/11/2021 16:10

Time I suppose.
It was rather unfair of him to not be honest with you tbh. He could have politely said no thanks rather than let you think he might want to meet you.

DismantledKing · 03/11/2021 16:10

Have you posted about this personal trainer before?
I recall something similar.

DismantledKing · 03/11/2021 16:11

Oh, and you can have a crush at any age. It’s part of being human.

Bluebells34 · 03/11/2021 16:13

You can have a crush at any age - I guess it was the excitement of what could have evolved - the infatuation you had with him. But sadly it was not meant to be - fate and all that.

RosieGuacamosie · 03/11/2021 16:18

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Time I suppose. It was rather unfair of him to not be honest with you tbh. He could have politely said no thanks rather than let you think he might want to meet you.
I don’t think it was unfair of him at all Confused OP is his client so highly unlikely he’d want to ruin the relationship by being bluntly honest.

Sorry you’re feeling like this OP Flowers I think he made himself clear though when he kept declining you inviting him for coffee.

GentlemanJay · 03/11/2021 16:18

I don't think he's done anything wrong. By not accepting your offer of coffee he's saying he's not interested.

Hont1986 · 03/11/2021 16:19

It's not stupid to have a crush, OP, but I don't think you should have asked out someone in a service position in the first place, and definitely not multiple times. It can put them in a very awkward position.

Avarua · 03/11/2021 16:22

Sorry this happened to you. It can be so excruciating, can't it?

Original poster
writergirl747474 · 03/11/2021 16:24

Thanks everyone.
I've not posted about him before.
He's not done anything wrong, he's always been very nice and I don't think he's led me on. Re. coffee - he's literally always had a place to go, other fitness sessions etc. He's initiated a lot of our chats and we got on well.
It's so rare (for me, at least) to meet someone in real life I fancy. There was actually someone last year - a tradesman - I eventually asked him out but he had a girlfriend (and he was very nice about it ). Once I knew it could never be I got over it almost immediately - hoping this happens again.
The problem is I knew the fitness guy a lot more, had spent more time with him, more chatting, invested more in it etc. Plus, the fitness sessions will continue with other trainers and it will be weird that it's not him anymore.
The tradesman was all about looks!
I just feel really flat and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
writergirl747474 · 03/11/2021 16:30

Re, coffee. One day we were chatting and he said "What are you doing now?" and I said "I'm going home but coffee first - wanna come?"
The other time my friend was there and we were going for coffee together, I invited him as he was literally standing there as we discussed it - I would have invited anyone present. So all quite casual, it wasn't like I kept asking him out!

We chatted another time and he said "we'll do that coffee at some point". ...Today I was like "We never had that coffee" and we then discussed our movements for the afternoon and agreed to text about it later. Then he said he had to do X,Y,Z....

Either way, he's not interested or he would have suggested meeting at some actual point rather than "we'll do it another time...keep in touch".

OP posts:
Original poster
writergirl747474 · 03/11/2021 16:33

@Hont1986

It's not stupid to have a crush, OP, but I don't think you should have asked out someone in a service position in the first place, and definitely not multiple times. It can put them in a very awkward position.
It really wasn't like that. It's normal in my fitness group for people to go for coffee after, trainers too.
OP posts:
Builderscrack · 03/11/2021 16:38

I can totally relate OP- similar age to you and I also rarely meet anyone I truly click with.
What I’ve never managed to do though is ask anyone out- respect to you for that alone! Also having read your update, you did it in a very casual, natural way and don’t sound at all ‘too’ forward or awkward.
It does sound like he likes you, but in your position I’d also take it that he’s not interested for whatever reason (given that he was always busy). But then again, he has said to keep in touch so who knows.

I empathise completely with how you're feeling (once had a major crush on someone who worked in a timber store 🤣). I hope whatever happens that you don’t feel down for long.

Viviennemary · 03/11/2021 16:45

You will just have to let him go. If he has turned down several of your suggestions for coffee then it really is a definite no. Otherwise he have suggested a different time. Its a shame but it happens to most folk.

Original poster
writergirl747474 · 03/11/2021 16:48

Thanks everyone. I know I just have to get over it and move on - just need a way to do this quickly rather than wallow. I have a holiday soon, I think that will help.

I just feel like he injected some excitement into my life that was otherwise lacking. And I'll miss that.

OP posts:
Verfremdungseffekt · 03/11/2021 16:49

I completely get you, OP, and I think you should just let yourself be sad, and not try to minimise it. It's happened to us all at some point, and there's a horrible stomach lurch moment when we realise we won't see them again, and that the idea or the possibility of them actually kept us going through some difficult times, and now that's taken away. And good for you not to have let it stop you doing OLD.

On the plus side, I imagine you're now incredibly fit...? Grin

Original poster
writergirl747474 · 03/11/2021 16:56

@Verfremdungseffekt

I completely get you, OP, and I think you should just let yourself be sad, and not try to minimise it. It's happened to us all at some point, and there's a horrible stomach lurch moment when we realise we won't see them again, and that the idea or the possibility of them actually kept us going through some difficult times, and now that's taken away. And good for you not to have let it stop you doing OLD.

On the plus side, I imagine you're now incredibly fit...? Grin

Yes, I am the fittest I've ever been! Silver linings and all that. Annoyingly, I put in more effort for him than the other trainers at the same studio. Trying to impress was a great motivator!
OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 03/11/2021 17:04

I perhaps should not put this thought in your head but...

Is it possible/ probable these days his contract forbids him from dating clients?

Once he has left, that he will be free to meet up?

How many miles away is miles away?

Original poster
writergirl747474 · 03/11/2021 17:19

@Yummypumpkin

I perhaps should not put this thought in your head but...

Is it possible/ probable these days his contract forbids him from dating clients?

Once he has left, that he will be free to meet up?

How many miles away is miles away?

I don't think it's that, although I wish it was. My friend previously dated someone there, no issues with his contract. Miles is far - other side of London nearer to where he lives. He knows where I am if he wants to contact me but I don't hold out much hope. The door was left open so he could come back if his new job doesn't work out (he was a popular trainer as very good) - and he may help out with the occasional session - but no point in me hanging on to that thin thread of hope. Realistically I won't ever see him again which sucks, even if we're just destined to be friends.
OP posts:
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