Do you treat your MIL the same as your DM?

[Millie50]

Before kids, me and DH would visit both our parents together maybe every fortnight. In addition, he'd visit his mum on his own maybe twice a week and I'd visit my mum on my own twice a week. Both live close to us.

But we've currently got a newborn and they've been visiting us three times a week instead, at our invitation. Husband went back to work last week so now he could only be around for visitors at weekends. I would like to have my mum visit me and baby pretty regularly whilst DH is at work. But do I have to invite MIL over for the same number of visits as my own mum? MIL is lovely, but she isn't MY mum, so I have to make more effort with conversation etc. With my own mum I could just be grumpy if I haven't had much sleep!

What is normal for you? When you had young babies did you make the effort to see your in laws the same amount as your own parents, even when your husband wasn't there? Or did you leave it to him to arrange visits when he wasn't working, even if that meant that the in laws saw your baby way less than your own parents?

I get on very well with my in laws, they probably visited about the same after DC were born.
When DH was working away, I spent time living with both my mother and my in laws.

It really does depend on your relationship with them.

I think it totally depends on your relationship with them. ideally it should be organic. Personally, while I get on with MIL, if she lived nearby I would absolutely see her etc, but no, I wouldn't be inviting her to pop round with the same sort of regularity as I might if my own mum lived nearby. not because she's my MIL, but because I'm just not close to her in the same way. Similarly, I have friends who when I had tiny babies, I was happy to see loads and who came over to help or hang out all the time and others who, good friends though they were, I would not have wanted that with.

Don't let DH or MIL guilt you. Do make an effort (assuming you broadly get on with her) but don't feel the need to go all out to a level you're not comfortable with.

I get on with my MIL very well but she isn't my mum. I call on my mum for help alot more than MIL. I also went to my mum's alot just to get out the house when DS was a baby but not my MIL.

Mum was also at the birth but not MIL so there's that aspect that is different treatment. MIL didn't come to the hospital the day DS was born either. It's very different my own mum seeing my vagina and being around me when I look and feel exhausted to my MIL.

MIL understands boundaries,which is probably why we get along. Still, she is welcome to see DS whenever she likes. I guess I say that because she doesn't ask much to the point it feels suffocating. Half the time, we initiate visits.

As a mother of two boys, I understand (sadly) that my grandchildren might be closer to their maternal grandmother as, for many women, their bond will becloser with their own mother and they will naturally turn to them more.

I never felt obliged to invite the inlaws round when DH wasnt there. His parents are very formal and conversationally hard work, if I had a relaxed relationship with them I probably would have seen more of them. My friend has her MIL round once a week for the day whilst her DH is working to 'keep things fair' and is bloody wishing she hadn't now baby is older and she wants to be going out.

I would never refuse help, especially if your planning on having more children which is when you really start to feel a struggle, I’d have her over, I’m sure you can be grumpy if you want to, we’re all human. Don’t go above and beyond for her, be yourself.

I treated my MIL better tbh.

With my pfb I preferred visiting mil. Then I could leave when I wanted to! And it is nice to get out of the house and (hopefully) have a cuppa made for you!!
Seeing your own dm more is natural to some people.
If dh wants dc to see his family more he can organise that imo..
Remember that is your baby not granny's!!
You are allowed to be home alone and enjoying your dc!!

Distance prevents me from seeing MIL often and it's OH that tends to organise it whereas I organise visits with my DM. That said I'm more relaxed around MIL than DM.

No I wouldn’t ever invite mine over. My DH probably wouldn’t either.
It’s totally normal and expected that you will be closer to your own parents and feel more comfortable with them visiting. If you get on ok with in laws then great but I wouldn’t feel bad about not inviting them if your husband isn’t there. I’m sure you’ll find your groove

Your mil isn’t your Mum, you’re right. She’s probably more there to see her DS and GC. In your position I might do 1-2-1 things with Mum and during that time leave baby with Mil. Giving your Mum first dibs on your time and your GC time would be hugely unfair though.

No. They are completely different relationships.

When I had my first baby I needed my dm. It has nothing to do with politeness, or fairness. It was a vital part of developing my mothering.

And when my dm came she was concerned for her baby, as well as being a doting granny.

I’ve always worked hard to keep a good relationship with my pils and frankly meeting my own needs so I could cope with my mil has been vital to that.

I think you also need to be careful you aren’t relying on your Mum for support your OH should be giving you. I’m sure even your Mum would get pissed off eventually if you only used her to keep an eye on baby or do chores while you slept. Or worse she might then develop expectations and feel you owe her and suddenly time with her dominates all your free time. All GP can get weird and possessive when Gc arrive - but people only really complain about their mil!! It’s fine in the newborn period but after that I really wouldn’t be seeing your Mum more than once or twice a week either.

I get on well with my inlaws but wouldn't invite them if Dh wasn't around. I wouldn't feel comfortable with them like I feel with my own mother where as you have mentioned you can be grumpy around your mother or in my case be in pain comfortably after giving birth to a watermelon and injuring myself along the way and walking around with engorged boobs 😀 when I was a new mother, I felt comfortable just being in Pj's all day eating crap knowing I can be myself in my comfort zone without having to worry about putting a show because it was my mum whereas with my inlaws, I have to put on a show, dress properly, not do lie-ins or whack open my boobs whenever baby wanted. So no, don't be ridiculous having to think about trying to be equal. I have a son so in the future, I know my future DiL would probably feel much more comfortable with her own mother and I would be understanding that my DIL's mental health and well-being and grand baby being taken care of would be my first priority rather than me bonding. There's plenty of time to bond but first it's the mother and baby and who she feels comfortable with.

I was as close to my MIL as my own DM and saw her as much. That only really happened after I had children though, and saw how much she loved them and how amazing she was with them (my own mum was also amazing).

Just let it happen organically. Also if you think she will be happy - make sure you call on MIL to help you out: ‘DMIL would you like to come and play with baby so I can catch up with a bit of sleep’.

I have a DD and a DDIL- I saw lots of both of them and helped out lots. DDIL knew she could slob out/be grumpy/go to bed round me and I was more than happy :)

No. My mum died before I had dcs. It was pretty clear that dmil didn't have time for us on top of work and her commitments to doing childcare for dh's siblings! So we don't have a granny who is in the picture all that much. If mil was more arsed, maybe I'd treat her a bit like my own mum, but that's honestly fantasy land scenario. Relationships are what they are. Your mil doesn't suddenly become your close, beloved relative, just because you've given birth. Some people do have that with in laws, but it doesn't happen overnight as soon as your baby is born.

No, you don’t need to make sure you doing exactly the same number of visits for your mother and mother-in-law.
I see my MIL a lot more, she’s a much nicer person.

My mil is nicer than my mum I’d rather spend time with her

Do whatever you're comfortable with and what works best for you and the baby. There's no rules. To be honest it sounds like an awful lot of contact with both parents, both pre and post baby. But then my parents live 250 miles away, which doesn't facilitate meeting up 3 times a week.

Thanks everyone, some great thoughts here 😊

To clarify, I don't see my mum 'too much' - she only pops in for an hour. MIL is the same when she comes. I'm also not needing to ask them for anything as me and DH are coping fine. I just like my mum's company (and MILs too)!

I guess the consensus is to make an effort with MIL when I feel I can, but not to limit my mum's visits because I'm worried MIL will feel left out. I think this seems fair - thanks all for your wisdom!

I'm a MIL. When ddil got together with my DS, she gave me a set of house keys and made it clear I was welcome to visit whenever. I don't have to phone in advance, although I usually do. Sometimes her dm is there; sometimes we all agree to meet up together.