Can't stop feeling guilt

[quaglenga]

I'm not sure if anybody else has experienced this/could offer some advice. I split with my DP of 5 years in the summer and at first I was sure we had made the right decision. Long story short, we are both now having doubts and wondering if we could make things work. Whilst we were apart I did sleep with someone else and for some reason I feel so guilty about this. I know we weren't together, we weren't even in contact with one another when this happened but now when I think about us being together again I just feel awful that I did that. Especially as I know he hasn't done anything with anybody since splitting. I know people will doubt this but it's what his friends and he has told me and he really isn't the type of person to have one night stands etc. I don't know whether it's best to not mention it or to bring it up, the last thing I want to do is hurt him but I also don't want to feel as though I'm keeping some dirty secret. We have both not slept with many people so maybe that's why it seems like a bigger deal to me than it probably is.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get over this? I didn't regret the sex at the time, I think it was actually what I needed after a long term relationship that had gone down the pan. It's only since reconnecting with my ex that the feelings of guilt have kicked in, almost as though I've betrayed him - even though I know I haven't!!

Am I being totally stupid??

Has he asked you outright if you slept with someone while you were broken up?
If not, you could either just never mention it, tell him that whatever either of you did on your 'break' is neither of your businesses or ask him if he would like to know.

Technically you didn't do anything wrong, like you say. But if you still had feelings for him at the time and you're getting back together now, I can understand the feeling of guilt.

Try and separate what happened from your emotions if you can. Look at it factually. You did nothing wrong. You don't technically owe him an explanation. He may not ever want to know!

How capable are you of living with it and not telling him? If you think it's going to eat at you, I'd tell him. Otherwise it will place a strain on a fragile relationship that's already floundered once and only you will know why. However, you have indeed done nothing wrong, so if his reaction is in any way blaming or manipulative, think twice about rekindling.

Try to understand yourself, instead of considering yourself to be 'stupid'. You are currently 2 people: one who did the thing, and the other pointing the finger. It feels horrible. Try to pull yourself together (literally!) into 1 person, who did a thing in certain circumstances, that was understandable. Something that many nice, decent, kind, fair, honest people would have done in the same situation.

In short, be nice to yourself about this. You're a good person, and you didn't cross any boundaries. Unless you think you crossed your partner's, in which case you probably ought to tell him.

Just don’t mention it! Or only mention it if you want to. Give yourself a break.

Personally I wouldn't say anything. However if it's going to eat you up then tell him before you get back together. Then you'll know whether it's a good idea or not

Didn’t you post this the other day?

I would probably say to him
"There's something important we should discuss. We need to decide whether whatever happened while we were broken up is irrelevant to our relationship and its 'don't ask, don't tell', or whether we both want to know if something did happen with other people during that time. "

And this shouldn't be an instant decision, you should both take a few days to think about it. Unless he says" Oh thank god, I've been meaning to bring this up and didn't know how. I definitely do want / do not want to know. "

I think that once you've given him that choice, your guilty feelings will fade away.