Advise on Family Christmas

[wdic]

Hello, I would welcome some thoughts on how to handle the following. Elderly mother but in good health etc- not an easy individual and recently widowed. Have siblings a couple of hours away by plane and a sis who lives 2 hours away from her driving. I live over 4 hours away from her. I have fallen into the "feeling like everyone is just letting me at it and not bothering" role of being the one she calls on, visiting every week, looking after things etc. I know its difficult of course to leave your own country for a few days but they will for other things and even with my sister in the same country she just does her own family thing. I always have had my parents for Christmas or gone to them only because the others wouldn't. This year I dont' obviously want her on her own and I miss my Dad terribly but my kids just want one christmas without having her. All my siblings get to enjoy their own families and the responsibility. I have approached each of them individually by noting "hey wouldn't it be nice for you all to come home this year and spend christmas with Mum or even come to mine with her". but its laughed off and even told "sure you do a great job". I know their kids are little younger than mine - not much, but all through my kids young years I was on the road at christmas. I don;t want to sound selfish and of course I can suck it up and be of course charitable, kind etc etc. But its about the others actually showing some support and not always leaving things to me. I guess they just play on knowing I won't leave her alone no matter how difficult she is. Deep down too I know she would rather one of the other families at christmas. So much for the season of good will in my thoughts! I just feel I can never have a nice few days with my own family. I had thought of actually sending a message to them all collectively my mother included saying whats everyones plans for christmas and see what that would bring up. My mother is liable to say she won't travel to me and leave me with no option but to go to her as she knows I wont want her on her own. She can play the game too. Thank you.

"I guess they just play on knowing I won't leave her alone no matter how difficult she is"

They got away from her by moving countries physically. They also put more mental distance between themselves and mother. There are likely very good reasons why they have done this.

Its hard being the last one left who actually bothers with her but you do need to ask yourself why you feel so very obligated towards her, a person whom you describe as difficult. I would think she has not changed in all the years since your own childhood and your late father perhaps acted as a buffer between his wife and you people as their now adult children. Would suggest you deal with any feelings of fear, obligation and guilt here through seeing a therapist.

Do something different this year and spend Christmas at home with your own family rather than being on the road to someone who does not really want or even seems all that deserving of your company.

@wdic if you type this message to the group just say you are staying at home this year with your kids. If you think your mum will then say she is not travelling to you do not feel obligated to go to her. Just don’t reply. Leave her reply hanging and see what the rest of the group say.

When you put out the message to them all, frame it as "we intend just staying at home ourselves this year for a quiet year with the DCs for a (much needed) change. So what are you guys all doing and who is going to keep DM company?" - and yes, with DM in the group.

Is it reasonable for her to travel to you? You say she's elderly but in good health. In the absence of your siblings stepping up, you could invite her to yours, and if necessary arranging assistance for her to do it by train/plane. If she then refuses, you are not obliged to go to her, especially if your DC have already arranged things.
I think your idea of a collective message might be helpful, but it needs to be a bit more forceful than asking them what their plans are if they've already said no. I think you need to be a bit more forthright about what you are prepared to do.
You might even need to say that you are not able to have her this year and so someone else needs to step up. It sounds as if you have not really said that you are not willing to carry sole responsibility for this. You need to make it clear that you will not be doing "a grand job" otherwise they will assume it's OK to leave you to do it.

Hi everyone thank you so much for taking the time to respond and all of you have really helped. I am going to be very clear with my message to everyone and about time too I think. Yes its true my siblings have moved country and moved emotionally away from my mother. Thank you again for your practical and "makes sense" advise.

You need to be much more forceful OP. Don't ask about plans etc. Just clearly say you're having a year at home with your DC, so one of the others needs to invite DM. My mum's on her own, so I understand not wanting the guilt of leaving her on her own, but if she's a difficult person, she has to take the repercussions of her actions. Your DC clearly don't want her there because she's not great to be around. This isn't on your shoulders. You've more than stepped up. It's up to your siblings and if they don't, I would leave your mum to it. I know it's difficult, but what your DC want has to count for something too.

I think that it’s really sad that you have inadvertently prioritised your DM over your DCs and your own needs for many years.

Your own DC are asking you to prioritise them for once.

Just do that.

Craft a clear, direct message and put it in the group chat - with your DM on it so that she can see who steps up (or not).

Do not take responsibility for sorting this - pass it back to the family.

Don’t feel any need to JADE (justify, apologise, defend or explain) your choice this year to anyone. Your siblings haven’t felt the need to.

“Hi All, I am spending the Christmas season with my immediate family this year.

I will leave it with you all to make appropriate arrangements for Mum.”

Close down any Qs quickly by repeating a version of your message - cut and paste if needed, don’t get drawn on any further detail and ignore if the Qs are repeated.

“Why?” Because I am spending the Christmas season….

“But what about…” I will leave it with you all to…

“But I can’t do it..” - ignore

Sounds like you have given more than enough to your DM and shouldered the responsibilities for your siblings with zero gratitude (+ simmering hostility) at a great cost to your own DC.

Thank you again everyone.
One comment that has really stuck out for me is

"Your own DC are asking you to prioritise them for once." That has really got to me. I have realised that for years I am always to quote my husband "being bullied" by my mother and put her needs ahead of my kids. I am fed up of feeling used and actually if you stood back and observed you would say there is no feeling about it, you are being used and emotionally bullied - if that makes sense? This post has opened up a lot for me and its not just a Christmas issue. My siblings in some ways have the right attitude where it comes to my mother, however they also have me as the buffer to allow them to not engage as they know I will be there to pick up pieces. No one wants anyone alone for Christmas and especially when they don't need to be. But this year I am mourning my father too and also just want to be kind but also not a doormat which I am feeling more and more like. Thank you again.

@wdic please do come back and let us know how you get on. If your siblings and mum are difficult and you find yourself buckling we will support you

Thank you - lovely to have that knowledge and support. Take care.......

Well your mum has also had the choice to come to yours but she won't. So that is up to her.

And yes this isn't just about you, but your kids and husband.

I would be tempted to fib and say you have been invited to friends for a few days and you have decided to accept.

I echo that this is the time to put your foot down. Do the group message. You say “hi everyone. Which of you are going to have mum for Christmas this year? I’ve travelled every year but this year we can’t do it. It’s somebody else’s turn”
Then leave it. It’s not your responsibility and I feel for you

Did your DF pass away this year? If so it would be hard to leave your DM on her own. I agree the others should do something, but I doubt they will. Maybe investigate how she could travel to yours and offer up that as an alternative.

We used to call this "Christmas chicken" where DH and his many siblings would refuse to offer to have MIL for Christmas. Or offer, but then MIL wouldn't commit in case she got an offer she preferred the sound of. It was a game played for the months of Autumn for many years - a total waste of everyone's time. All MIL wanted was to be able to say to her friends was that all DC1-6 had offered to have her, and what she really wanted was a good meal out at one of the local kids and then to be taken home so she could watch her telly while her other kids popped in and went away again. She didn't want to host or to go someone else's house for a week. But it took years for her to actually come out and admit to it which lead to all sorts of issues with people offering to have her and her turning them down for other people; or no one offering so we'd have her for 7 days which quite frankly none of us enjoyed. Honest communication is the way forward!!

Hi all, just wanted to pop back in and let you know that I discovered from an Aunt of mine that my mother is going to stay at my sisters house for Christmas and neither my mother or sister have mentioned it but seemingly my mother has told all the relatives this is what is happening. So the problem of the day is over but the long term problem of having a mother who has no value or respect for you continues. Sister also too unfortunately. Life really is too short for all this negativity around me, I need to continue to let things go and stay kind and concentrate on my own wonderful family and ignore the noise. Take care everyone and thank you again.

That’s really great that you have noticed that even this act of not communicating with you is them showing their contempt and disrespect for you.

Know your worth.

Don’t let them define you as valueless.

Use the time and energy freed up by having them out of your life to work on you and your DCs

Thank you ESGdance. I actually had a good chat with myself earlier - noting why did I feel upset when I heard the news from my Aunt. I should have known as its typical behaviour, playing me in her games. But as a fully grown up now- yes took a while to realise that I should be grateful my sister is taking her. I was upset too that I had actually posted on here initially to get help on sorting her out for the day and here I was worrying about her but she had already made plans with my sister who too didn't bother to mention it, thats a whole different post . As my other siblings say - leave them at and to it. Thanks again, isn't it funny the things that can trigger lots of anxiety and worry and in the stream of things if we took a big deep breathe and took the emotion of it we would sort things out much quicker and less upset.

I think you also need to decide what your own priorities, boundaries and choices are. Your siblings have theirs. Ultimately none of you is responsible for your mothers’ plans. You can’t decide how they should spend their Christmas or time. Just decide on how you spend your own.

Canary 1 wise words and sometimes its good to be reminded that you cannot change people only ourselves. Thank you!

@wdic I had this for many years with my parents. Spent 5 of my mum's last 6 Christmases with my parents and on the 6th year (after a horrid Christmas the year before) I simply made my own plans with my (now) dh. My 3 siblings when they clocked on were initially outraged (how will my presents get to them? You can't leave them on their own!) Until I pointed out pretty robustly that they were all more than capable of arranging their own present delivery and/or seeing our parents, and if they weren't going to, why the fuck should I?! They soon shut up after that...

Hope you have a lovely Christmas with your dc

harriethoyle isn't that just it! I do feel my other siblings could make more of an effort with occasions and not always leave it to me. This is the first year my sister is taking my mother in 20 odd years. It does take courage if your someone who finds it difficult as I do to stand up and say enough is enough. Well done and I hope you and all have a lovely christmas. Staying calm and level headed me thinks....... really is a gift! Take care.

I wish that you could bottle that feeling of pride and satisfaction of the outcome and your approach so that when you feel want to state a need / declare a boundary in the future (with anyone) you can remember how you did this assertively without emotion and the world didn’t implode. Good for you.

Thank you ESGdance it is definitely something that I need to remind myself off when I start to wobble. Take CARE!