What little confidence I had took a real bashing this weekend!

[LosingTheWillToDate]

I've been single for 5 years. It's taken a very long time to like myself again (mentally abusive long term relationship). I've had dates over the years, nothing spectacular. No chemistry with some, others who ran away for months then got in touch again claiming they had "issues" at the time, were cheated on, brokenhearted, blah blah blah. Ask me out again, same happens. (No sex involved just to clarify).

Last week I met up with someone as a last minute thing, just nipped to the pub which was completely dead so came back to mine. Same thing, someone I had a date with years ago (had ghosted me at the time) who recently got back in touch as he'd moved back to the area. The difference was i'd always felt a spark with him, I didn't mention it, he did. He seemed very keen, spoke about wanting to meet up regularly etc. Things got a bit frisky. Spoke for the next few days, supposed to meet up at the weekend. Spoke the night before, all good. On the day nothing. Completely ignored my messages re what time to meet.

I'm assuming not all men are like this so why do I keep attracting the ones that are? I'm early 40's, my dc are young adults so no trouble to anyone, they're mostly out at work anyway. I'm not well off but i'm not broke either, can pay my own way. I'm a size 12/14 and consider myself reasonably attractive. I'm a nice person, i'm loyal, I dont come across as desperate, I dont text TOO much, I dont ask for anything or expect anything that might scare a man off. On a date I just chat about normal day to day stuff, nothing deep or emotional, no ex this ex that, and nothing I might get opinionated about, I dont give too much away, but enough that I dont appear secretive.

What the eff am I doing wrong?!!

You aren't doing anything wrong, except going out with someone who ghosted you years ago.

You sound lovely. He has form for being rude and inconsiderate, so you've just found out that he's still rude and inconsiderate. Nothing lost, and nothing you are doing wrong.

Time to look for someone nicer.

This twat showed you who he is years ago, you should have believed him.

I don't know what age you are OP but this sounds similar to what I'm experiencing, divorced 6 years and almost an identical experience.

What I've come to realise is that many (but by no means all) men in my age bracket (early 40s) are single for a reason. Don't get me wrong, there are some good ones Out there but many many who are single in their 40s seem to be single due to whatever 'issues' they have. No doubt some woman are the same but obviously I can't comment on that is my experience is with men.

Id say there are 4 categories:

1. Ones that are divorced/left LTRs & they're ex has divorced them for a reason
2. Commitment phobes/time wasters/immature men-childs - wouldn't be capable of a LTR with anyone and have probably been repeating this pattern for years hence they're still single
3. Men who have left their wives as they are "under appreciated" and feel they could do better. They've got a high opinion of themselves and unrealistic expectations, e.g. fat bald 44 yr old expecting a stunning size 8, 25 year old
4. men who have been unlucky in love. Previous marriage that didn't work out despite them being an all round decent guy. Probably similar position and experience to us.

My experience is that number 4's are the ones worth pursuing but harder to find

Be more picky. You sound lovely and deserve better

Thankyou MJ but it isn't just him, this has happened about three times now, and they arent people i've just met randomly online, it's people through mutual friends so same kind of life, interests, things in common.

We meet up, have what seems like a pleasant enough date and off they go running for the hills! I feel like I must be giving off some strange vibe im unaware of (I don't smell, I checked ).

Same hg, early 40's. I am so SICK of hearing about "issues" from men my age. I just think yes, at this age we've most probably all experienced our fair share of heartbreak! Maybe it's just an excuse they like to make for their shitty behaviour?!

Man I work with does OLD, seems decent enough, divorced, doting dad etc. Said he really wants to meet someone and settle down. Met a woman, called her ‘perfect in every way’, came off OLD, met her children, worked on her house. Three weeks in to dating he finishes with her, no apparent reason.

He’s now back on OLD! Moaning about it. He seems addicted to the dating part, the constant flow of women, gets too deep, too fast in my opinion and then backs off. We’ve all asked him why he bothers and he says ‘it’s something to do, fills the time and he’s bored’. I doubt he’s got any intention of settling down.

Suzi, my friend is on OLD and recently saw one of the guys I mentioned from a couple years back, recognised him as he is a mutual friend, and yes, his profile is along the lines of "I just can't seem to meet a good one" or some rubbish like that. I was nothing but nice to him, he paid for the drinks, I ordered his (pretty expensive) cab back on my Uber account so we were about even i'd say, he ignored me for 6 months, total ghosting, not even a "goodnight, had a nice evening" polite kind of text. But he "can't find a good one"

OP

This stings like a fucker. I had the same situation with a couple of guys in a row and my self esteem took a total battering. I couldn't work it out and was really hurt. Some guys just like the chase. I've had them admit this to me. The chasing, flirting, trying to get you. Then, once they've had you, onto the next. They were never looking for a long term romance... just a fuck.

Tip for you though. Never ever ever give someone who ghosted you another chance. God no. I did...like you...and was left feeling like a fool twice. I'm early 40s, ex catalogue model, size 10... my point in saying this is it doesnt matter what you look like, how you act, what you say or don't say, some men just want sex and will disappear once they've had it. X

Oh hahaha I have seen this too, guy who acted like a total prat and semi-ghosted, moaning and bitching about being lonely and how women are rubbish and how he can't find a good one. I pointed out that if he treats them all like he treated me, no wonder he is lonely. Now he is 100% ghosting me .

Makes me think of the episode of Friends where Chandler thinks he'll end up alone. He says something like 'I complain that there are no good women then I reject any woman who will date me' and Monica/Rachel says 'you have just described every man we have ever dated'.

So I guess it has been like this since the early 90s, at least!

I don't think it's you per se, I think you just don't spot the red flags and so you pursue men most of us wouldn't. If I got a text from a man who ghosted me years ago and wanted to meet up for a last-minute drink, hoping to get his leg over, I'd tell him to fuck off. I think that's the reasonable response. Stop entertaining men who have already shown themselves to be horrible.

@hg165

I agree and finding number 4 is hard because of the types listed, they are not a 25% equal split. I would say less than one in ten men in their 40’s and older fall into that category. My friends who date in this age group have terrible trouble trying to find anyone decent. A lot of them were divorced for cheating too which doesn’t bode well.

Absolutely sure it’s not you OP, it’s them - but if you’ve been messaging and they ghost, I would really recommend a final ‘looks like we’ve reached the end of the road here’ message, then block their number, unfriend on SM and delete number and messages. No second chances.

I totally agree that the majority of single men in their 40s are single for a reason. When you delve a bit you can see why their wives kicked them out, gamblers, drinkers, cheaters, emotionally immature/unavailable. The good ones are still in relationships or snapped up very quickly. I have yet to meet a man OLD who doesn't have some kind of issues, however it may sound sexist but I don't believe that's the case for most women OLD.

Some are twats for sure, but do you flirt?
I didn't do this for ages as I felt self- conscious as a mother. Like I didn't reaaly believe I had the right to flirt and be .
attractive.
The moment I started flirted - gold.
My friend is the same. Attractive and finny and clever and a lovely person. She is practical and down to earth which are the best qualities but she is is just unsexy in the way she presents. I think as we get older we forget how full on we were in our 20s.
Not to say you should change yourself but if it is a pattern, you're probably giving off not that interested vibes, which are a bit of a turn off.
It doesn't fit the narrative that men are cunts but if it's a pattern it's worth a bit of self- reflection

@Mermaidwaves

I totally agree that the majority of single men in their 40s are single for a reason. When you delve a bit you can see why their wives kicked them out, gamblers, drinkers, cheaters, emotionally immature/unavailable. The good ones are still in relationships or snapped up very quickly. I have yet to meet a man OLD who doesn't have some kind of issues, however it may sound sexist but I don't believe that's the case for most women OLD.

I agree, I've had men saying otherwise and calling me sexist but I genuinely think it's true. I think it's because women tend to sort their own shit out. I know loads of single women who would love a partner but they're all getting on with life, keeping fit, have loads of hobbies, busy social life, etc. If there are issues with mental health, they largely try to sort them, attend therapy, etc.

Many of the single men I know just sit playing video games all evening, every evening, survive on frozen pizza and takeaways and kind of expect a woman to come along and 'save' them, or think they're entitled to a relationship just for existing and many are bitter about women not 'giving them a chance'. They don't seem to understand they have nothing to offer.

@CecilieRose
Yes I think that's it, the minute a lot of men become single they expect to jump straight away to the next woman, hoping she will take him and all his issues on. The amount I came across who still lived in the family home and had been 'separated' only weeks after long term relationships, really surprised me.

[quote Mermaidwaves]@CecilieRose
Yes I think that's it, the minute a lot of men become single they expect to jump straight away to the next woman, hoping she will take him and all his issues on. The amount I came across who still lived in the family home and had been 'separated' only weeks after long term relationships, really surprised me.[/quote]
Yep. I split with my ex after seven years and he was dating his now wife within five months. There's just no way in hell he'd taken any time to work on himself or build a life independently. He said he had but it was pure delusion. I didn't even start casually dating until almost a year after we split. There's just no way someone can be properly ready to move on that quickly...it's codependency and weakness. Some people just cannot be alone.

@Aquamarine1029

This twat showed you who he is years ago, you should have believed him.

100% this!