I'm going to leave my partner

[Namechangenumber1]

As my title suggests, I've reached the end of my tether. I'm probably going to come off quite selfish during this thread, but I just need honest advice, and I don't really have any friends in real life.
We've been together almost 6 years, and we've been through quite a bit during this time, miscarriages, a stillbirth, and the normal day to day grind of life.
But (and this is where I sound like an absolute evil cow) I just can't cope with his issues over the last 8 or so months. He has crippling health anxiety, and is depressed, and this has led to a complete lack of intimacy between us. I don't just mean sex, although that's a part of it. We don't kiss, cuddle, spend any meaningful time together, and it's gotten to the point where I can't bear to have him try and "make it up" to me, because I can tell he's forcing himself.
But, he's a good man. An honestly, really good man. I know he truly loves me, I trust him implicitly and despite everything, he's my best friend. He makes me feel safe and secure. But this cold lack of anything beyond beyond what you'd share with a good friend is just grinding me and my self confidence down.
I've been putting all of my spare money away, and several times he's asked what I'm saving for, with a sad look on his face and I know that he knows what's coming. I just don't want to do this if I'm being stupid. A relationship isn't meant to be like this in my 30s surely? Surely there's more than this?

I think I'd just like to add, that I'm hoping someone older and wiser than me will come along and tell me that I've got a good thing, and that I need to learn to be happy with what I have. Because I don't want to leave him, I love him so much. But is that enough? To live as friends and that's it? No passion or reciprocated attraction?

I’ve just told my husband I want to separate, my marriage has been exactly as you describe - I wish to God I had left in my 30s, rather than 20 years later. My husband is a decent, honourable man but there’s absolutely no intimacy at all and the level of disconnect and rejection has utterly eroded my sense of self.

If you honestly don’t think it will get better, best to leave sooner rather than later.

Your H sounds depressed to me, which could account for the lack of intimacy and coldness you describe.

As you still love him, and I get the feeling you want the marriage to continue, just not like it is at the moment, maybe a GP appointment and a counsellor to explore why he's feeling this way before you make a final decision?

@thisgardenlife he is depressed, he's on meds for this, and is feeling much, much better in himself, but unfortunately the side effects of that caused him to be unable to have sex, and the intimacy has just followed it right out of the window. I could live without sex if the relationship still felt like a relationship, but it doesn't. I tried to think of one thing that we have between us that I don't have with a make friend, and the only thing I could come up with is that we share a bed. I honestly don't want to leave, but I don't see another way.

*male friend

@iknowwhatIneed I'm sorry yours turned out this way too. If you'd have told me at the beginning of this year how I'd be feeling at the end of it, I'd have told you that you were mad.

The meds would explain his lack of libido and inability to get an erection or orgasm. That could be the whole reason the intimacy between you has gone. Could he start tailing off the meds if the depression is lifting? Is he having counselling?

Maybe once intimacy is restored you might feel different?

On the other hand if there are no children involved, you might see a brighter future apart. Sorry you're going through this. It's a sad dilemma if you feel you are best friends. Do you think the feeling of love could come back?

I tried to think of one thing that we have between us that I don't have with a make friend, and the only thing I could come up with is that we share a bed. I honestly don't want to leave, but I don't see another way.

That’s really difficult, someone pointed out to me there was nothing my husband and I did together that we couldn’t do living apart - which really made me think. If there’s a way back for you, it’s worth working on, but for me there was a point where I just didn’t see him as a sexual/intimate partner any longer - I should have left then.

@thisgardenlife the love hasn't gone away. For either of us, I don't think. I can tell by the respect he treats me with, the way he values my opinion on everything above anyone elses etc that he loves me. I know if I left, he'd be devastated, and so would I if I'm honest, but he's not willing to come off his meds for a long time yet, he was very, very low earlier this year, so understandably he doesn't want to risk that again.

@iknowwhatIneed I still see him as a sexual partner, I want to kiss him and touch him and cuddle with him, and he allows me to do so, but that's just it, he allows it. He doesn't really reciprocate any affection, and it's always me initiating it. Always.

Taking him off his Rx when it's actually working for his depression is extremely poor and,frankly,dangerous advice. The fact he's showing no physical affection or closeness is very self centered and cruel especially if you'd be willing to stay with him without sex. Best of luck OP. None of us can tell you what the right choice for you is. Either way someone gets hurt.

@EKGEMS it is an awful decision to have to make, but you're right, I suppose only I can make it. It's just a scary one to make is all.

Has he discussed these side effects with his doctor? While he might not be willing to come off medications, there surely must be other medications he can try that wouldn't affect him so much sexually.

You can love someone to the moon and back, they can be a wonderful, trustworthy person, and that still doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with them.

Move on, op. You'll have nothing but regrets if you don't.

I think at this stage you have nothing to lose, only potentially to gain, by telling him exactly what you've told us here.

Read it to him, if that helps (you don't need to see that it's on a public forum, just that you've written your thoughts out so that you can be clear).

If you still love each other, it's got to be worth a try?

It gives him one last clear shot to make a change while still be on meds - and if he won't, then the decision is made and you have a clear path forward.

I wish you luck and happiness either way.

Oh this is such a tricky one. I really loved my boyfriend of a few years but his health problems lead to zero sex. He was trustworthy, adored me, would do anything for me but the intimacy stopped. I tried to help him but my self esteem began to plummet and it was like being with a house mate. I agonised over the fact I needed to be with a partner sexually and intimately to live a healthy life. After much debate in my mind I called it a day. I was devastated and he knew he couldn’t give me the life I wanted. Fast forward to now and I am with someone who I have a great connection with intimately and sexually, I have also managed to build a lovely friendship back with my former partner. It’s an agonising decision to make OP but one that has to be made. I am in my late 50s so no spring chicken but couldn’t imagine going for the next 20 odd years with no intimacy. If it isn’t right for you, if he is unable to come off medication or find an alternative to his anti depressants and therapy not working then you can only make that decision as to how long you can be without intimacy. It’s hard OP, I know x

You don't need a reason to leave. You can leave him if you hate the shampoo he uses, might not be a great reason but it's your reason. If you get what I mean.

Sorry if this has been said as I’ve not read full thread but could you talk to his doctor about other medication options? This must be so hard for you both!

AD's and the killing of a males libido are a massive reason why men don't take AD's or come off them too early. It's a real problem and I'm surprised it's not addressed more seriously by the medical community