Self help and/or counselling

[Recentdiscovery]

NC for this

Discovered 2 weeks ago (after suspecting for a while) that my "D"H has been cheating via hook up sites.

Currently going through the roller coaster of every emotion imaginable. We have a large mortgage & one child. Together 15 years. Life will never be the same again. I'm on auto pilot just putting one foot in front of the other.

We are still under the same roof (separate bedrooms) and I've managed to remain civil despite wanting to continually rage.

For the time being I need to try to breathe and focus. Can anyone recommend any books on this subject that will help me get through the early stages of this?

And counselling? I've never had any before but wonder if it would be helpful. Where do I start finding the right counsellor? Or is there not a right or wrong one.

Thanks

Counselling with the right person will help hugely even if it just gives you the space to listen to yourself clearly when everything is so up in the air.

@IknowwhatIneed

Counselling with the right person will help hugely even if it just gives you the space to listen to yourself clearly when everything is so up in the air.

I was thinking that too. How do I find "the right" counsellor though? Ive no idea where to start. I will probably have to pay privately as I can't even get to talk to my GP these days.

It can be tricky, the best way I’ve found is through recommendation - my friend pointed me in the direction of someone she knew who was perfect for me. You could look at the BACP register - I’d suggest a more relational therapist eg person centred, transactional analysis, gestalt, than CBT which isn’t really good for just listening to yourself think. Book a phone call with them if possible to see how they sound and if you might feel ok working with them. Don’t be afraid to try a couple and see what you think - “not feeling it” is a perfectly good reason not to continue if you don’t feel the fit is good.

Thanks I will look at BACP and see what I find. What kind of price is it do you know?

I cant ask friends for recommendations for obvious reasons at the moment.

Do you have any book recommendations in the meantime?

Private counselling can cost anything from £30 - £100 per hour. The advice given by “IknowwhatIneed” is very good - Counselling Directory is another useful website with qualified Counsellors and what they specialise in.

I don’t have any useful books without doing a Google search.

Sending best wishes 🌺🌺🌺

Have a look at the Chumplady website, @Recentdiscovery. Her book is very good too.

There is a website called Surviving Infidelity, but I found it full of people who are just desperate and broken and twisting themselves every which way to 'save the relationship'. Sadly, this rarely works long-term (BTDT...).

Definitely try counselling, but focus on your personal recovery rather than tearing yourself to shreds with trying to figure out WHY he did what he did, as it's not really helpful.

@FlowerArranger

Have a look at the Chumplady website, *@Recentdiscovery*. Her book is very good too.

There is a website called Surviving Infidelity, but I found it full of people who are just desperate and broken and twisting themselves every which way to 'save the relationship'. Sadly, this rarely works long-term (BTDT...).

Definitely try counselling, but focus on your personal recovery rather than tearing yourself to shreds with trying to figure out WHY he did what he did, as it's not really helpful.

Thank you, I will look at her website and book too.

I have already looked at the surviving infidelity forum but found it quite hard to navigate and a bit cumbersome to read (on mobile).

Totally agree re personal recovery. That is what I need right now. I don't know if I'm coming or going so feel I need a centre to focus on since my whole world has been knocked off course.

The book that has helped me hugely is Authentic by Stephen Joseph, not about divorce but about knowing yourself, being true to yourself and owning your own life. Super timely I think at a time when feelings are all over the place.

@Recentdiscovery - Chumplady doesn't mince words and her style is not everyone's cuppa, but she really cuts to the chase. Basically it boils down to cheaters are not worthy of our efforts to try and reconcile..... . Because if they were, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

Lots of useful and entertaining stuff in the archives, but I particularly like how she demolishes the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. Here she is skewering the widely revered John Gottman and his 'institute' and 'research':

www.chumplady.com/2020/07/ubt-gottmans-reviving-trust-after-an-affair/

I know this is tough, but one year from now, and for ever after, you'll feel much better if you focus on yourself and keep telling yourself I m worth more than this shit!!