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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can you ever really leave with zero regrets

17 replies

alwaysthesam · 01/11/2021 23:15

I'm 29 and have been in a 3 year relationship with someone I truly get on with like a house on fire... 80% of the time. Everyone we meet and know says what a great match we are.

But the other 20% of the time, he's out drinking until 4am at least once a week, a lot of lads trips, yes even this year, and just low level shit... like never admits when he's in the wrong, never takes how I feel into account, has to call the shots on EVERYTHING. His way or the highway, and in the last few months i'm absolutely not his priority. I've voiced it, on the day change is promised and within a matter of 3 or 4 days he's back to his old self.

I'm at the point where I really feel done, have been on rightmove looking at where I'd live, thinking of the timeframe i.e when he's next away with his mates in a couple of weeks. Getting my ducks in a row essentially. Today I told a friend for the first time, and now it feels real. I've got into bed wondering if i'm making a huge mistake, wondering if i'll look back and regret this.

I'm not great at being on my own, never really have been since I was 16. I've always either been in a relationship or living with friends, but this time I'd be living alone, and I don't really enjoy my own company or watching tv on my own etc (is that a problem in itself?).

Can I ask, when you left were you 100% certain there was no coming back? Some moments i'm 100% certain that there is a better life out there, but I've got this niggle I'm walking away from the potential of something amazing, and some times good things require hard work? Or am I just having a natural panic at the thought of being on my own for a while?

OP posts:
alwaysthesam · 01/11/2021 23:41

anyone awake? hoping this comment bumps this up!

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 01/11/2021 23:43

These things bother you, it's not working for you. You have no ties to this person.

You don't have to end it completely if you don't want, you could try to see if you can make things work but live separately.

That's another option you could try, IF you wanted too. Only you know if you've had enough and just want to move on.

We all have regrets and wonder if we've done the right thing. Try being married and having kids / mortgage. It's even harder then.

1MillionDollars · 01/11/2021 23:44

Don't stay with someone because you are afraid of being on your own, BIG mistake.

Dery · 01/11/2021 23:49

There are no guarantees that you’ll meet someone else but you likely will. Anyway - the problems you describe with this guy sound like they amount to much more than 20% of the relationship. He sounds way too selfish to consider marriage and children with in any case.

No-one can know for sure but given what you’ve said in your posts you’re far more likely to regret staying than you are to regret seizing this opportunity to live alone and really get to know yourself and work out what you want from life.

Strangevipers · 01/11/2021 23:49

You have outgrown him

Move on now before the years roll on and finding someone else become a lot harder

You are young, restrictions are over (ish). Get your friends go on holiday, go out clubbing , get a new hobby, find someone else to love Ben if it's back in with family, enjoy being 29 because before you know it you will be 79 thinking where did my life go

Pinkchocolate · 01/11/2021 23:50

20% is enough to make someone happy or unhappy. I felt similarly about someone once. After leaving him I met my now husband who makes me happy 99% of the time and is just a bit annoying the other 1%. Clearly I don’t have any regrets. Don’t settle, you’re clearly not happy.

Dery · 01/11/2021 23:50

And as @1MillionDollars says, never stay with someone because you’re afraid of being alone. That’s a very bad reason which doesn’t everyone a disservice.

Dery · 01/11/2021 23:51

… DOES everyone a disservice…

alwaysthesam · 01/11/2021 23:57

Thanks all. I'm pretty strong willed and independent, I've left previous relationships without a 2nd glance, but i've moved straight in with friends.

This time, all friends are family'd up! And we really are great together, when things are good.

I'm pretty certain of my decision, I just have this little bit of me that wonders if I always leave when I'm 'a bit' unhappy, will I just always have failed relationships?

OP posts:
ginandbearit · 01/11/2021 23:58

"Its funny how you can miss something but not want it back "....many times this has gone through my mind if a yearning for a particular ex pops up ...there's a sadness about what could have been but also a reality check as what it actually was .
Hope you can weigh it up but does sound time to go .

alwaysthesam · 02/11/2021 00:02

@ginandbearit I love that saying. It feels so true, my previous ex was a safe bet, i'd be engaged and married with the babies now, but I was so bored. SO BORED. I was 25ish and he wanted a very settled life and I wanted to go to vegas with the girls!

Sometimes I look back and wonder if I made the wrong choice there, as I'm watching all my friends around me have their weddings and babies!

But he was definitely not the one!

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 02/11/2021 00:12

There is no spoon.

I'm getting the slight impression that you are particular, but that's okay. Why settle, but nobody is perfect.

Jennifer2r · 02/11/2021 01:38

Stop planning and centralising your life around a partner. He never takes your feelings into account and always has to call the shots and you're seriously thinking about whether to stay with him?

Live on your own, travel on your own. Make friends and throw yourself into hobbies. Be central in your own story.

Pallisers · 02/11/2021 01:48

But the other 20% of the time, he's out drinking until 4am at least once a week, a lot of lads trips, yes even this year, and just low level shit... like never admits when he's in the wrong, never takes how I feel into account, has to call the shots on EVERYTHING. His way or the highway, and in the last few months i'm absolutely not his priority. I've voiced it, on the day change is promised and within a matter of 3 or 4 days he's back to his old self.

why would you put up with this shit? Like seriously? I doubt very much that it is great 80 percent of the time. He has to call the shots on everything? you are not his priority? His way or the highway? Come on OP you can do way better than this ... on your own. this man is a disaster waiting to happen for you. get out now. live on your own or with a flat mate, make friends, hold your standards way higher than this.

Dery · 02/11/2021 06:50

Like @Pallisers said, this guy doesn’t sound like a good partner anyway.

alwaysthesam · 02/11/2021 08:24

Yeah I feel I know all of this, but always helpful to hear it from others, it just cements it in my mind.

It'll be a new normal and who knows, maybe i'll start to enjoy my own company!

OP posts:
PussGirl · 02/11/2021 08:26

My only regret was not leaving sooner

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