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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Listen me out.. why do I always go back to the cheater?

22 replies

oreo2020 · 01/11/2021 20:25

I am really at a loss .. more at myself than what to do?

Was with my ex boyfriend for 5 years. In that time I broke of at least 4 times. He is very loving, caring, affectionate, generous, helpful, kind, remembers my DC's birthdays (even when we are not together). But... since we started dating, found him on POF (in early days), Bumble, Fabswingers and other swinging sites. Found him lying about meaningless and meaningful things - for example he contacted one of his exes, said he was about to leave the country (our country - no such plans really) and that he was thinking of her. I left him about 3 times when I found out about the sites, and lastly left because I tried to imagine future with him and I couldn't. There are other bad sides - like chaotic with money, a bit of a hoarder, not great contact with his DC (he tries, according to him is his ex'es fault but I do think he said something to make the contact worse).

And now he is wriggling his way back in. He offered domestic help, he brought me home cooked food, he bought birthday presents for my DC. We went out for a drink, I have now invited him in several times. Last time, we had sex. I am not proud. The thing he is so good for fun and on daily basis (has always been) that I almost overlook the fact that he cheated- or attempted in the past. He denied his cheating for a long time. Until he admitted 'having his demons' and thanked me for helping him to confront those. He seems to have matured. He is 47. But can people really change?

I do enjoy time with him on daily basis. But I need to remind myself that it was always a lie, that I couldn't trust him. That even if we were together I'd always have to protect my well-being and finance. Is this acceptable? Do people change? Why do I always come back to him? I hate myself for that, but I still do it. He says all the right things about our future. He doesn't want to let me go. I really don't know anymore what's right and what's wrong.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 01/11/2021 20:27

People never do anything once. Omg get rid of him.

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/11/2021 20:30

Why do you think your self-esteem is so low that you take this cheat and liar back? Don't you value yourself? Do you not think you deserve better?

Original poster
oreo2020 · 01/11/2021 20:33

My self esteem isn't low. I want to believe he hs matured. Also he is so good and fun in daily stuff that not sure if anyone ever can beat it.

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 01/11/2021 20:35

You’ve posted all about you, your well being and your finances. Nothing about your poor kids who have no control over this situation but have to put up with this man in and out of their life like a yo-yo.

This time, have the decency to leave them out of it and hide from them the fact that you’re taking him back for (at least) the fifth time.

scoobydoo1971 · 01/11/2021 20:37

You know he is a loser. He shows you repeatedly. Time on focus on you, and why your self esteem is so low that you put up with him. Think about role-modelling to your children about what a decent relationship looks like. I wouldn't let anyone near my kids who had this man's background. His poor contact with his kids should scream red flags. His past sneaking about shows that he lacks respect of everyone, including himself. No integrity. Be single and sort out your priorities. Get therapy to identify why you tolerate his bad behaviour. Don't make this about him. There are millions of men on the planet just like him, and it is your duty to yourself and your kids to find one who is not a loser...or remain single as that is far better than being with someone who drags you down.

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/11/2021 20:41

Of course he hasn't matured. If he wasn't mature at 42, why do you think another 5 years will have made a difference? Do you really think he's changed at 47? Don't be ridiculous.

He lies, he cheats, he's a bad father, he's bad with money...but he's fun. Fun comes at quite a price don't you think? If you say your self-esteem isn't low, why on earth do you entertain him? The lying alone should be a deal-breaker. Or the cheating.

AnyFucker · 01/11/2021 20:46

Gosh, that made me cringe

You can do better than this…surely

Littlepaws18 · 01/11/2021 21:17

@oreo2020

My self esteem isn't low. I want to believe he hs matured. Also he is so good and fun in daily stuff that not sure if anyone ever can beat it.
You want to believe, but his actions don't match. You can forgive and move on- but the Onassis is on the person who cheated to absolutely prove to you through actions over and over that they can regain that trust. He is nit doing that. My husband before we were married told a really significant lie about his relationship with his ex. I was absolutely heartbroken even though he didn't cheat emotionally he definitely did. I set my bar incredibly high if he wanted to remain with me he had to jump through many hoops. These involved communication with his ex, reflecting and dissecting that relationship with a counsellor, I wanted full access to his phone, emails etc. yes these are controlling measures but there was no trust there at all. He proved to me over and over that I was the person for him in his actions, he did the above and now apart from the first criteria the rest I no longer control. His phone, emails etc are completely private to him and that's because he proved to me I could trust him. I also let him have the same privileges with my phone too. In fact it's actually strengthened our relationship because we both realise what we want in life, we fought for it equally and we both learned from it.
TheFoundations · 01/11/2021 21:22

@oreo2020

My self esteem isn't low. I want to believe he hs matured. Also he is so good and fun in daily stuff that not sure if anyone ever can beat it.
People with healthy self esteem don't wait around hoping that someone will change. They say 'You hurt me once and you don't get a second chance.' and that's it.

People with low self esteem are sometimes in denial about their low self esteem, or they defend themselves by covering it up.

Original poster
oreo2020 · 01/11/2021 21:33

I suppose he's been so good to me (not just now wanting me back, but at all times even when he was cheating) that I want to believe he has changed for the better and now knows what he stands to lose.

On the other hand he has proved again and again that he can be manipulative and extremely good liar and even if he did cheat again I would probably never find out.

Whoever mentioned my DC - they don't know about first 3 break ups, they wanted him back when I broke up 2nd last time, and now, he just passes by as a friend as far as they are concerned.

OP posts:
icelolly12 · 01/11/2021 22:13

There is no reason to get back with him, why is this even taking up your brain space Confused Block and move on.

Autumnleavesfalling · 01/11/2021 22:18

He won't change.

You have a choice.

Realise that and accept your life going forward is with a cheat. Let yourself love him and get sucked in to the rollercoaster of emotions.

Or

Realise that and let yourself enjoy the good parts while emotionally holding yourself back. And condoms.

Or

Dump and clean slate

Original poster
oreo2020 · 01/11/2021 22:33

I think I need to hear all of this.

OP posts:
Ohpulltheotherone · 01/11/2021 23:01

Rather than asking why do you keep going back, why don’t you ask yourself what is his motive for trying to come back?

If he was happy and content and settled with you then he wouldn’t be looking elsewhere.
I’m sure he likes spending time with you and having fun with you but the very clear reality is that he doesn’t want to be committed to you long term. He enjoys your company whilst he’s got nothing (or no one) else to do.
You’re second prize, second choice, a pitstop, a time filler, someone to boost his ego when he doesn’t have anyone else lined up to do it.

He keeps you dangling by making it seem like he could pick you at any moment - but he’s not going to is he.

There is something in you desperate to be picked, to prove that he can change for you and that you are enough for him after all.
I would seriously concentrate on trying to understand why you need validation from him.

Original poster
oreo2020 · 01/11/2021 23:12

@Ohpulltheotherone well actually he does want a commitment. We were engaged and I broke it off. He wants life together. I used to, not anymore. But I do still love us spending time together... as long as I don't think of the future.

OP posts:
Grimsknee · 02/11/2021 00:21

"I suppose he's been so good to me (not just now wanting me back, but at all times even when he was cheating"...

Oh love. If someone's cheating on you, even if at the same time they are showering you in presents, massaging your feet, doing your laundry and dishes, paying your rent, and wining and dining you, THEY ARE NOT BEING GOOD TO YOU.

Wanting you back is hoovering - look it up!

Dancingsmile · 02/11/2021 06:58

He makes you laugh, he's fun and he remembers my kids birthdays , well what more could you need in a relationship.

I mean who wants to be or have ;

Respected , he does not matter to him how his actions make you feel.

Loved; if someone loves and cares for you they don't actively look to sleep with others.

Kept safe; because sleeping with lots of people passes on STI's.

A partnership; being equal in the relationship, which means contributing to the finances, the house maintenence etc in a reliable long term way.

Trust; that you know that even when life is tough they will still be beside you.

Honesty; that when you talk that you are open and real about your feelings.

As long as you have fun with him, he has a twinkle in his eye and still has sex with you as well, I'm sure that means he's worth fighting for because you are that woman , that woman he'll change for and suddenly start to respect and care for !!!! Really ?

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 02/11/2021 07:19

Deep down you want to believe that you'll be the one he wants to change for, you're the special one that he will stop his cheating and lying for.

You're just a convenient booty call , he's already put in the hard hours with you and he knows which of your buttons he needs to push (the fun daily stuff), but it's all a veneer. If that's enough for you, carry on having fun with him.

By the way, the engagement was to stop you straying, not him.

vampirethriller · 02/11/2021 07:26

He won't change because why would he? He's got it good. You let him carry on like this, so he thinks it's alright and that he can do it forever.

supercali77 · 02/11/2021 07:40

If a friend of yours was fun to be around but talked behind your back, betrayed your loyalty, and lied to you about it multiple times....you wouldn't think 'but they were a fun friend to be around even when they were betraying me'. You'd rightly see that the fun in-person times were a sham.

Dont trade in respect for 'fun' its really not worth the price

Wiredforsound · 02/11/2021 07:47

Here are your choices:

  1. Stay with him knowing he is not going to change and he will cheat on you.
  1. Leave him because he will not change and he will cheat on you.

He’s not going to change. All you can change is how you react to his behaviour, but every time to accept a home cooked meal, or a drink, or a present, or have sex with him (🙄) you’re telling him straight to his face that you accept his behaviour.

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