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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling with moving on

14 replies

Choccyaddict4eva · 01/11/2021 18:29

I was dating someone in the summer for almost 3 months, we met through a friend. Not that long, but it was intense (in a good way) and we had a lot of fun and a great connection. All was going in the right direction, I met his family and he met mine. Then after spending a long weekend together at his home, he suddenly broke up with me. Gave me a weak excuse stating that he had too much going on in his life and that it wasn’t fair on me (he did have some stuff going on, this wasn’t a secret and I was trying to be supportive). I found out the real reason was that I’m not ‘domesticated’ enough, and that I didn’t make enough effort to plan what we were going to eat when I stayed at HIS place (!) I’m a lovely person and we had a connection but he’s looking for a ‘wife’ 🤔 Every time he came over to mine and we stayed in I’d make dinner, cook breakfast. Not because I was trying to portray myself as a Stepford wife, I genuinely enjoy cooking for friends and family. I was shocked and hurt over these ridiculous reasons. Other reasons were that I have a career (which I’ve worked my butt off to achieve over the years as a single parent which included putting myself through uni) and I have children (so does he!), my children are pre-teens. I know deep down inside that I’m better off without a man like this, my friends tell me I had a lucky escape, but I miss him so much and I’m struggling massively to move on. I feel like my confidence has been knocked and I keep questioning whether there is something wrong with me, and whether it’s my fault I’m still without the ‘one’ at the age of almost 37. I have a busy career, I have friends, I go out and socialise, go to the gym and classes, but I’m always carrying around this sadness that just won’t leave me. We are still in contact and speak every few weeks or so…for example it was the birthday of one of my children which they were spending with their dad this year, so he rang me to check that I was okay…but I’m guessing it’s to soothe his ego why he’s my ‘friend’, but it genuinely frustrates me as every time we talk we get along so well. I go through waves of feeling angry and thinking f*ck you, I can do better, to feelings of, we could have had something good and you threw it away over nothing. I just want to feel like myself again without this emptiness.

OP posts:
samesign · 01/11/2021 18:41

To move on it would help not to be so nice to him and let the friendship go, you're always going to feel you weren't enough but to be honest he sounds like a big baby that needs a woman to look after him, how tiring to have to work, look after your kids and him! I think you would probably resent that lifestyle day after day.

Wish him all the best, move on and feel proud that you still have your independence and be on the look out for an equal partner.

KirstenBlest · 01/11/2021 18:49

He was looking for a nanny/housekeeper

Fruitandnuts · 01/11/2021 18:51

Stop contact. He’s feeling great because you are still friends and he can contact you when he wants so there so no disadvantage for him. He likely thinks you’d be there if he changes his mind. You need to tell him that it’s been great but you would like to heal and move on so you’d appreciate if he stopped contacting you. This might surprise him but honestly it’s the best thing long term. You are high value and don’t need his flaky friendship. He doesn’t want a relationship so why give him anymore access to you. Move on start dating again. He needs to know you are aren’t hanging around waiting for him to drop in and out. End contact. Completely. He needs to feel your absence.

If it was the other way around, you rejected him do you think he’d still want to hear from you? He’d move on. Keeping contact will only prolong the misery of breaking up. He might wise up and realise what he’s missing and come back. Either way it’s best to stop contact. Honestly

toomanyplants · 01/11/2021 18:53

It's like he's still dangling that carrot of hope with the sporadic contact.
Next time he calls, tell him you can't stop to chat, getting ready for a date, wish him well and block.

AmIteallythatstupid · 01/11/2021 19:52

Literally atop answering the phone to him or responding to any messages. There is no getting over someone if they-are still in plain sight!!

Choccyaddict4eva · 02/11/2021 10:37

@samesign

To move on it would help not to be so nice to him and let the friendship go, you're always going to feel you weren't enough but to be honest he sounds like a big baby that needs a woman to look after him, how tiring to have to work, look after your kids and him! I think you would probably resent that lifestyle day after day.

Wish him all the best, move on and feel proud that you still have your independence and be on the look out for an equal partner.

I have been way too nice to him, and I don’t let people walk all over me, so I’m disappointed in myself that I’ve let myself become so needy and ‘desperate.’ I would for sure resent that lifestyle as I’m very much against being with a man who won’t pull his weight- my last partner was like this hence him now being an ex. I have so much to be grateful for in my life and you are right- I’m lucky I have my independence. I don’t know why I’m so scared to fully let go 😪
OP posts:
Choccyaddict4eva · 02/11/2021 10:37

@KirstenBlest

He was looking for a nanny/housekeeper
Definitely a housekeeper…he can just about boil an egg…!!
OP posts:
Choccyaddict4eva · 02/11/2021 10:39

@Fruitandnuts

Stop contact. He’s feeling great because you are still friends and he can contact you when he wants so there so no disadvantage for him. He likely thinks you’d be there if he changes his mind. You need to tell him that it’s been great but you would like to heal and move on so you’d appreciate if he stopped contacting you. This might surprise him but honestly it’s the best thing long term. You are high value and don’t need his flaky friendship. He doesn’t want a relationship so why give him anymore access to you. Move on start dating again. He needs to know you are aren’t hanging around waiting for him to drop in and out. End contact. Completely. He needs to feel your absence.

If it was the other way around, you rejected him do you think he’d still want to hear from you? He’d move on. Keeping contact will only prolong the misery of breaking up. He might wise up and realise what he’s missing and come back. Either way it’s best to stop contact. Honestly

Thanks for your response. I needed to hear all these things. I am high value- I need to keep reminding myself of this.
OP posts:
Choccyaddict4eva · 02/11/2021 10:41

@toomanyplants

It's like he's still dangling that carrot of hope with the sporadic contact. Next time he calls, tell him you can't stop to chat, getting ready for a date, wish him well and block.
It does very much feel like this, it’s a head f*ck. I love the idea of telling him I’m getting ready for a date ha ha
OP posts:
Choccyaddict4eva · 02/11/2021 10:41

@AmIteallythatstupid

Literally atop answering the phone to him or responding to any messages. There is no getting over someone if they-are still in plain sight!!
I do need to do this, yes 🤦🏻‍♀️ I won’t ever fully move on if he’s there in the background
OP posts:
Choccyaddict4eva · 02/11/2021 10:43

How can I get my confidence back up to what it was before I met him? I honestly felt so great, life wasn’t perfect, but I knew my worth. Now I’m constantly doubting myself- I hate it so much.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 02/11/2021 16:18

What things do you do in your life that you would truly respect if somebody else did them?

Fruitandnuts · 04/11/2021 11:06

Find a new focus, read some books, binge watch a series on Netflix etc, exercise, cook new food, plan a trip, something new and exciting to get your mind on something else. Its just about putting your energy and focus into something that makes you feel good.

frozendaisy · 04/11/2021 11:18

Listen to your friends "you had a lucky escape".

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