Does separate rooms mean separate lives?

[Questions99]

Brief history.. 20+ years married, lots of bumpy moments but still love each other. Two kids, nice house, okay financially. He has struggled with mental health and had two ‘breakdown’ moments in past 5 years which have been painful for all of us. He’s in counselling and seemingly doing well/on an even keel. He’s getting good at taking time for himself, saying No and generally being less co-dependent. I’m proud of the work he has done on himself but I feel left behind. I’m a mess. Have days when I can’t stop crying (when I let myself). We split up for a couple of months earlier in the year and he fought hard to get me back after some pretty bad behaviour (no OW, it was addiction-related). I weighed it all up, it was excruciating but on balance knew I loved him, don’t want to break up our family and so we tried again. We’re a few months in and he’s in the spare room saying I snore (I do) and though this hasn’t been an issue for him before, it is now. To be truthful he’s a lot happier when he sleeps in the spare room - clearly I do disturb his sleep but I’m heartbroken. We said we’d keep the intimacy in other ways and make time and still share the bed a night or two at the weekend but it doesn’t happen. He has his own bed, his own routines, sits in the chair rather than on the sofa with me, he is building his own life it feels. I feel like an add-on. Bordering on flatmates. I feel so heartbroken. I wanted to forgive and move on. I forgave, but it feels like our connection is weaker than ever and I find when I try and tell him how distant I feel, he just doesn’t get it at all. We’ve never had lots in common besides the kids and I guess when he came back I expected we would rebuild an even better marriage - that’s what we spoke about, so many promises were made and I felt like he meant it. But now he’s here - he just seems happily independent emotionally (and physically) and I don’t see my role in his life at all, other than to look after half the bills, the kids and the housework. I love him but I’m exhausted with over-thinking. I don’t want to end the marriage but feel completely stuck. All romance and tenderness seemed to end when I finally said he could come home. He’s not mean or abusive but it just feels like we’re disconnected. I don’t know if perhaps I’m being impatient and need to give him more time to build himself up after his breakdown? But some days I feel like I am breaking down . I don’t know what to do. I’ve reached out to some counsellors to see if that can help. I did have a counsellor but he was nice but just listened and I need some practical help to know what I do here. Any advice?

It’s very hard living with someone who has mental health issues as your needs tend to get completely shoved to one side. Perhaps it’s time to have a rethink on your decision as it doesn’t sound like you are going to get back to a place that you will be happy with. Sometimes you cling on for dear life in relationships when it is time to bring this chapter of your life to a close.

I agree with socrates71. I lived with someone with severe mental health problems for nearly 18 years. We were like were. Despite lots of promises and us splitting for a while, nothing changed when he came back. I finally decided we needed to close the chapter on each other. I would much rather free myself to give myself a chance to find the love I would like than to stay in a cold, distant relationship. I have no regrets on ending it whatsoever.I think you know the time has come OP, sometimes we just have to face the music and turn the page onto a new chapter.

Hi. DH and I have slept in separate rooms for nearly 2 years now. I know that I snore, DH doesn't believe that he does (even though DC confirm it!).

It has been the making of us. We are both well rested - we don't get woken several times a night.

Sometimes we start off in bed at night but more often I get in with DH on weekend mornings.

We still hold hands and cuddle on the sofa.

Sleeping in the same bed isn't the only intimacy.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is still keeping you with him?. If it’s the children, they are no reason for you and he to remain together.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

What addiction issues have been present and is there a link between those and his breakdowns?.

I was the one with MH issues. I moved to the spare room as he snored and the lack of sleep made things worse.
The intimacy slowly died over a number of years. Not just the physical stuff but those small conversations, sometimes really important things that just seem to seep out when you are relaxed.
The separate rooms wasn't the death knell, just another thing that was both symptomatic and unhelpful.
I do think you need to find a way to talk and be open and honest as you can (ideally with each other and not just you to him). Couples therapy could be worth a try.
Maybe separation is inevitable, maybe its not. But you do have to find some inner will somehow. You have a lot to give in life and find some self worth will help in any case.

ExH made me move into the spare room saying he slept better alone, but he had always slept on the other side of the bed, no contact unless we were having sex. It was really upsetting for me and still hurts now, more than 10 years later. I felt humiliated, like it was a sham marriage, when though we were still having sex. Broke my heart to have to slink back to another room. I know separate rooms work well for some couples but it has to be good for both of you. As time went on my ex came to regret the way he'd pushed me away and desperately wanted me back, but it was too late.
Now I'm seeing someone who loves sleeping cuddled up with me. It was only after this that I realised how badly my exH's physical coldness had affected me. I felt discarded and rejected. Now I realise how precious those intertwined nights are, and I just can't get enough of them. I'd rather be alone than live as I did, cohabiting but deprived of affection.

@whiteroseredrose

Hi. DH and I have slept in separate rooms for nearly 2 years now. I know that I snore, DH doesn't believe that he does (even though DC confirm it!).

It has been the making of us. We are both well rested - we don't get woken several times a night.

Sometimes we start off in bed at night but more often I get in with DH on weekend mornings.

We still hold hands and cuddle on the sofa.

Sleeping in the same bed isn't the only intimacy.

We're the same. Separate rooms are not a barrier to intimacy and physical contact unless you make them into one, In the OPs case they are a symptom not the cause of her issues with her DH. We sleep separately for better sleep and no other reason.

I am trying so hard to be OK with this sleeping arrangement but I’m not OK with it. As someone said it’s the little snippets of conversation in the morning and night that for me, make me feel like his wife, like we’re in OUR room talking and no one else comes in here. I don’t know if I’m making any sense but I’m crying myself to sleep every night, then in the day I’m consciously trying to make myself accept it and find the positives but I’m struggling so much. Tonight is Friday and there’s no reason for him not to come and sleep with me - I have said that would make this bearable for me, to have a couple of nights together when there’s no early start the next day. But he said he’s staying up later, not tired yet and so I asked if he was coming to our bed and he said no because he thought I “might like a lie in”. I just feel he’s lying, probably to try and save my feelings but I just wish he’d spit it out and say he’s not coming back to this bed. I’m trying to hard. But he seems to have come back here for the kids, house and security. It doesn’t feel like he’s back here for me. I asked him outright this week why he came back and he insists it’s for me and that he simply needs to sleep to feel even-tempered. I feel like if he loved me, he’d show some kind of sign of wanting to sleep beside me. All our attempts at compromise are just slipping away. I expect sex will fade too. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried again with this marriage because this is like slow death to me. At least when he walked out I felt stronger and just set my mind on moving on with my life. Have I made a huge mistake? He’s calmer and settled and the kids obviously are happier he’s here. I would love to summon the will to say F you then and spread out my covers and enjoy the bed. But I perch on the edge and cry instead. AIBU?

I think that the separate beds are a red herring as I think there is more to it in your relationship. We are another separate beds couple and have been for a few years, we actually would both prefer it if we were happy in the same bed, but we are not, so separate rooms works best for us and we both know it.

Same room and separate beds here.
Used to be different rooms but husband wanted to be closer. I wan't him as far away as possible at night because he snores like an aeroplane taking off! We almost never go to bed at the same time but we find time for cuddles.

I might be going against the grain here but to me you sound as Co-dependant as he used to be. You almost can't function if he isn't relying on you for comfort.
He's had a path of losing his mind so he's going to need some headspace to be a normal person.
If he relied on you very heavily in the past this may have also skewered how much you see his individuality as threatening. I'd get a therapist of my own just to talk things through .
Only after that, or maybe after giving him some time to adjust, it'll become clear if he has forgotten how to mix his individuality in with his family I.e if he has become self absorbed. Then you'll know what to do. Right now I'm not sure either of you quite know your own mind because of past happenings. It does sound like this can be sorted out.

I think the separate beds is a red herring actually.

It sounds as though the marriage is over and you just need to rip the plaster off actually. Staying for the kids? Don't do that. You spend most days crying because it's crap - life's too short, it really is.

I have just read your update after you posted and now I think you are getting a bit unfair. I am the one who cannot sleep because of snoring and if my husband started crying and effectively trying to emotionally blackmail into being in the same bed, because he is happy for me to be lying awake whilst he lies there snoring, , well I would not be impressed.

Thinking again about your original post and your update, I think that the possibilities to consider here are :

1. He doesn't realise how much sharing a bed means to you, does want to save the relationship, and it's really all about sleep for him. Or:
2. He does realise how much it means to you and doesn't care, because he's emotionally withdrawing.

You can't rely on him to tell you the truth about which it is - maybe he doesn't even know himself.

If it really is all about sleep, and you've made clear how much you hate sleeping apart & why, then I think a better move would be to :
-Try lots of other ways to improve co-sleeping, brainstorm, work together. Eg there are things you can do about snoring! Google it Could a bigger bed or a better mattress help? Earplugs?
-Ensure that closeness and intimacy at other times is prioritised, not just pay lip service to it.

There are many steps less drastic than having separate rooms. If he isn't open to trying these despite knowing how you feel then it sounds like he doesn't care how it's affecting you, or is just dismissing your feelings. In which case, your kids would be seeing a screwy role model of a relationship.

In retrospect I feel that when my ExH wanted separate rooms, it was one of the things which was most hurtful to me and wounded me very deeply. He always said it was all about sleep, but he never put the effort in to make me feel loved otherwise. I think it was punishment and selfishness on his part, and wish I'd had the guts to get out then, rather than spending years getting more miserable.

Just wanted to leave some - whatever the bigger issues are you are experiencing this as a constant rejection and thats really hard to deal with. Hope you cab focus on some other things thar bring you joy while you are going through this.