please help

[agnesireland]

i dont know how to begin this..

ive never felt so low and unloveable in my life. i just want to die.
i was making plans to start a new life without him and leave the country bc hes an abusive ( to me ) heroin addict and hes left me first and thrown me out
i have no idea what to do. i never should have tried to leave him i was stupid to think i could live without him.. 13 years and two children.. i cant live without him i cant imagine a future without him

Ok. You've been thrown a curve ball. But you wanted to leave him, you know that's what you have to do anyway, he's just siezed the moment to take control of the situation.

You need to get out, he's using his power to make you feel bad.

Go with your original plan. Get out start again. Block him. Have no further contact. You are stronger than this

i cant leave him though this has made me realise how stupid i was to think i could .. i still love him but he doesnt want me. hes only violent when he drinks and im a recovered addict i know how much it changes you .. its not him acting this was its the alcohol.

The fact you love him is irrelevant. He is an addict and abusive you have a duty of care to yourself and your children

One of my close family members was a heroin addict too. I understand

Call a local refuge and get some support to help you do this

im sorry you had someone close to you who was addicted to.. i was addicted when i was younger and was on and off , went to rehab did NA everything.. ive been clean for 7 years now. our kids are 13 and 10. he never uses around them or leaves his rigs or anything round them.. hes never abusive to them at all. its just me and when he drinks its bad , he broke my jaw in july when i tried to leave. i know its so stupid but i genuinely still love him and i know its just his addiction and me wanting to leave that makes him snap.. i just cant live without him. i was making plans with my brother to move to scotland to live with him.. how can i leave him ..

Just leave.you are now adducted to him. You can do this Go to Scotland. You have a plan calm your brother now

What are you hoping to achieve by starting this thread when you have just said you love him, can't live without him and are justifying his behaviour? I genuinely want to know what do you want?

@MingeofDeath

What are you hoping to achieve by starting this thread when you have just said you love him, can't live without him and are justifying his behaviour? I genuinely want to know what do you want?

i know im pathetic. i just dont know what to do. i just want to be a normal person who doesnt excuse stuff like this but part of me is holding out for the good man i met 13 year ago .. hes not evil hes just sick.. he needs help

What was this relationship offering to you, OP? How was it making your life better? What did it give you that you can't have without it?

@TheFoundations i guess the stability.. the feeling of having someone to come home too and who cared about and loved me.. like the safety of if

Can you tell that what you're saying contradicts itself? He's violent on the one hand, but offers you stability on the other? And a violent relationship isn't stabe?

@TheFoundations i know :( i sound so stupid. i am so stupid... i think its the idea of it , i want him to be the man i fell in love with and i truly believe hes still that person if he got clean and sober but he wont do that for me.. why am i not enough for him to want to change for me

It is NOT YOU. It is him who has the problem. You & children need to be safe 100%. Move to Scotland with your brother as planned xxx

Why aren't your children enough for you to dith this violent abusive drug addict?

None of this sounds stupid, and pretty much anybody who's been in an abusive relationship has experienced it. It even has a name: it's called 'cognitive dissonance'. It's what healthy minds (yes, healthy minds like yours) do with situations where somebody abuses them and continues to make them feel loved at the same time.

It's like operating in 2 different worlds at once, and it makes you feel like you can't cope with anything; staying is not ok, leaving is not ok, being who you are is not ok... it sounds very similar to where you are now.

You're normal. In the nicest possible way, you sound like a textbook abuse victim. Millions of lovely, smart people have been where you are right now, thinking they were mad. Because we all want to be loved. We all want to be with the person we fell so madly in love with at the start. There's nothing stupid about that.

You can do whatever you want of course...
But you CHOOSE to let your kids see this man treat you (and them) like this.. a broken jaw in July?
Even if he is not abusive towards them.. they must know what is happening...you are normalising this behaviour to them.. this will be acceptable to them in their adult relationships.

So when you son/daughter rolls up to the door with a broken jaw... you can tell them its okay ... as long as they love their attacker..
After all you are their model... their standard setter...

You don’t love him. You love the man you want him to be / the man you thought he was once upon a time. Leave!

You're both training your children to think they should stay with people who hurt them, who break their jaws. Or that its acceptable for them to hurt a partner, to break their bones.

Even if you don't think you can live without him, you need to put that to one side for now and focus on the fact you're a parent.

You're currently complicit in your children living in an abusive home. You need to leave this man whatever it takes.

He left you first, so what? It doesn't change the fact that you absolutely cannot provide a safe environment for your children if they're living under the same roof as a violent drug addict. Or any drug addict.

It sounds harsh but as a PP said - why aren't your children enough reason to leave? I realise that sounds easy to say but every parent with an addict has to reach a point where they make the choice.

Who do you love more - him or your children? If your children, you need to end the relationship for good. If him, you need to call social services and tell them you're unable to safeguard your children because you don't want to leave the drug addict who broke your jaw.

So who do you choose?

Some people haven't been abuse victims before and it shows dosent it....

OP this breaks my heart, I was in your position minus heavy drugs but in a very severely abusive relationship, I made excuses for his behaviour, he was drunk, he's depressed, it's my fault, he was angry, I was absolutely devastated when we ended (the only way I could break free was reporting him, him getting arrested and getting a restraining order in place) I didn't think there would be a light at the end of the tunnel and my life was over...

3 months on and even tho the case is ongoing still and there's a lot more to deal with and it is really hard, I feel SO much better! You never ever think you will feel better or get over it you feel your lifes over but I promise you when you leave its just the beginning!
I go out with friends, I have an amazing new job, no walking on eggshells, no more pain and now I realise what he did was so wrong, more importantly my son is a lot happier.

I really honestly know it feels like it won't get better and you need him but please please please battle through these hard feelings cos I promise you they don't last forever.

Another thing I will also say is you can't help someone who dosent want to help themselves

Contact womens aid, they will help you so much and also get you extra support too. It dosent seem it now but him leaving or u both ending will be the best thing that will ever happen to you. Woman's aid also have a survivors forum too which is really good, a lot of understanding ladies on there who can really help

You are worth so much more than this I really hope your OK, you got this.

You’re not stupid. You just want the man back that you fell in love with.

Unfortunately he’s fallen in love with alcohol and heroin and that will come first.

He’s also been violent to you, which should be red line. Once a man has done that you cannot stay with him - especially if you have children.

It doesn’t make a difference whether he’s abusive to them or not. If he’s abusive to you then he’s putting them at risk of being motherless. They will also pick up on the fear that will be inevitable living with an unstable man.

And you’re risking your children being put into care as they will not be considered safe living in a home with him.

This may not feel like it but this is a blessing. You’ve been handed a free pass. Take it with both hands and run as far as you can from this man.