WTF

[brooklyn11]

Apologies now if none of this makes sense.My head is all over the place.

I split from my ex husband in Feb 2020 after years of ups and downs and trying to leave him in 2016,2017 & 2018. It was an emotionally abusive relationship.I met someone else and my ex husband found out about this in Jul 2020. Just before this had locked me in his house and tried to sexually assault me and constantly got at me about us getting back together. When he found out about my new partner he flipped out and said a lot of nasty things and threats and tried to pull me out of my car by my hair. Things then calmed down and I dropped the charges with the police. They were wanting to charge him for coercive behaviour as well as the assaults but I didn't go ahead with anything.

He flipped out again at Christmas about it in front of two of our children. He then calmed down again.

I made the decision in March to split with my partner as I still had so many issues and stuff going round in my head I felt I wasn't ready. My ex then seen this as a green light and has been constantly at me about us getting back together. I stupidly gave in to him for a few weeks in may. I don't even know what possessed me to do that or what was going on in my head. After a few weeks I knew it wasn't right and told my ex and ended things. He hasn't stopped though and still puts me under pressure and tells me how much he loves me etc.

I've started counselling and this is helping massively and I've learned so much in a few months. I decided after working through things to give things a go with my most recent ex as we still talked as friends and still both wanted to try. I told my ex husband last weekend in the hope he wouldn't kick off. He was fine at the time except more threats that he would fuck him over. He then messaged to say he didn't want to see the kids as he couldn't handle it. He has threatened this time again unfortunately.

My partner came round to see me last night as I was struggling after falling out with my ex constantly yesterday. We just talked until about 2am and had a cuddle. Then there is banging on the door at 2:30am and I just knew it was my ex. I ignored it in the hope to would stop it kicking off. He then rang me and I answered he was aggressive and threatened telling me to send my partner outside as he was going to fuck him up and put him in hospital. If I didn't send him out he would wait for him. Told me that he wasn't paying any maintenance as I deserve fuck all and he hoped I rot in hell. I tried to reasons with him but he wouldn't listen. I screamed at him to fuck off and hung up. I debated ringing 101 then but decided to calm down first. I went outside to my car to get my inhaler and I couldn't see my ex's car but he was stood outside hiding round the corner and barged past me into the house and into my living room to try and find my partner. Luckily I'd sent my partner upstairs. My ex wouldn't get out of the house and I'm ashamed to say I did grab him by the back of the neck to try and get him out. I told him to fuck off out of my house and out of my life. The older two kids woke up and my daughter screamed down the stairs. He then left after telling me it wasn't over yet and I'd get what was coming to me.

Sorry for the long post but where do I go from here? I was just numb last night and sat crying on the pavement in the rain outside for hours. I just feel broken. I came back and my partner had talked to my daughter and calmed her down and then he just held me while I cried. Where do I go from here? I haven't been an angel and I have done wrong but I don't think I deserve what he does.

You phone the police and then you block him. Who cares if he threatens not to see the children? Why on earth would you want them to?

No way to live for you or your kids. Your ex partner does not need to know and does not deserve to know anything about your life.

Keep going with the counseling.

Call the police and report it all.
Or contact womens aid and they can sign post you if you aren't wanting to involve the police.
It sounds like a non-molestation order might be in order as he isn't going to leave you alone as is still treating you as his possession.
Please don't continue to struggle on alone. His behaviour is only going to continue and if he's brazen enough to barge into your house at 2.30am to attempt to assault your partner just think what he could do to you if he got you alone!

National domestic abuse hotline 08082000247

Stay safe x

Report the incident to the police and log all future contact he has with you.
You should at the very least protect your kids from seeing this disgusting behaviour so that it is not perceived as normal by them.
Would woman's aid or similar charity be able to offer you some advice or assistance?

Police. You need to cut him out completely

OP, you need to stop hoping & start reporting.

Every time you have backed off from having him arrested, charged with coercive control, charged with assault - he has taken it as a green light to harrass you further.

Keeping quiet will not stop him. You need to go legal, & now.
You cannot have him behaving like this, let alone around the DC, & he needs to be sent a clear message that police & the courts will intervene.

Who cares what he says about maintenance? He'll pay or he won't, & CMS will chase him up, effectively or not - as necessary. This is not your immediate concern.

Your immediate concern should be getting this violently abusive piece of shit processed through the legal system, while you talk to Women's Aid, & a solicitor, about how any contact from him with the DC should be handled in future.

His threats are very alarming.
He has "potential family annihilator" written all over him OP.
Please take this seriously.

Your poor children

Phone the police & tell them everything. The whole saga. And don't withdraw the allegations. All that's doing is giving the dick a green light to be an a-hole!

You need to get an injuction against him to keep him away from you legally. You should have phoned 999 when he was on your doorstep shouting threats in the middle of the night. You shouldn't have gone outside in the circumstances.

You finish things with your current partner as your ex is unhinged and this poor guy doesn’t need to be in the middle of all this drama. You report to police to try and keep your DCs safe from their loon of a father. And if necessary you relocate/contact women’s aid because this fucking nutter could well kill you, your DCs or your boyfriend to try and teach you a lesson about what happens when you take his toys away.

And also why the fuck did you go out to your car and leave the door open while he was banging on the door saying he wanted to fuck up your boyfriend? This was the time to call the police. It’s almost like you invited the drama in

I think you should call the police and report your ex for once. Stay single and get some counselling on why you keep inviting this drama back into your life. Your poor kids. I'm not blaming you but this has been a very unnecessary ping pong game of drama toing and froing that wasn't necessary. Learn to be happy on your own and healthy before you walk into your next relationship with your eyes still closed.

You're constantly giving him mixed messages and he's playing on that. Stop the drama and report him to the police and then stop any communication with him that isn't directly related to your kids.

The minute he started banging on your door at 2.30am you should have called the police and stayed inside until they arrived

Stop all the drama. Get a ring door bell and do not answer the phone.

Did you really go outside for the inhaler? I think you need to be honest with yourself.

Stop participating.

Don't answer the phone late at night.

Get a ring doorbell.

Call the police every time he turns up threatening violence.

Police. Each. And. Every. Time.

Why on earth would you go to your car !?!?

Please OP you need to work on why you follow this pattern.
From what you say, you want to feel safe then you leave the goal wide open to test your safety.
You are not safe, the people around you are not safe because you are inviting danger once things appear safe.
This situation has danger written all over it and I hope you are prepared to work with the police this time before someone is seriously hurt.

I do think some of the posts on this thread are a little harsh. It is so hard to be in that situation when someone is SO abusive, chaotic and manipulative. I think OP might need a little bit of sensitivity and understanding rather than judgement, she's obviously struggling. So many women stay with their abusive partners, it's not unusual and judging and scolding women for doing so is so unhelpful. However, I do think you need to involve the police OP, it's vital that they are aware of the events. If your new significant other is being supportive that's great but you must be as strong as you can and take ownership of the situation. Don't go back, block him and report him. Look after your children and make sure they are safe from him too. Unfortunately when my auntie left her abusive husband and eventually blocked him, he then turned on the children and started following them, sending them abuse and threatening them. It got to the point where she was scared he would kill their children (he even came round with a knife and threatened to stab her daughter), which is not as rare as we may think. Keep an eye on them too.

The police are trained to help and support you and will also put you in touch with the right people. You've done the hardest part in leaving, don't forget that.

It's a wonder your neighbours didn't call the police with all that going on. I certainly would have done.

For Christ's sake, please call the police and tell them everything. He's volatile, and your life could be in danger.

Thank you for all of your responses and I do agree with a lot of what has been said.

I hate how my children have been affected as having a shitty childhood myself it is something I didn't want for them.

It is hard to just cut all ties with my ex as I'd been with him since I was 16 but I have now blocked him completely and asked his brother (who is nothing like him!) to be the go between.

I have applied for a non-molestation order and I'm in the process of getting that sorted.

Thank you for all of your advice and I'm so pissed of with my self as to why I have been so stupid 😔

@RaisedByPangolins

And also why the fuck did you go out to your car and leave the door open while he was banging on the door saying he wanted to fuck up your boyfriend? This was the time to call the police. It’s almost like you invited the drama in

This!!!

First thing I thought when reading that you had gone outside after your raging ex was threatening to beat up your current partner??

Obviously it isnt your fault that he is an abusive d**k, but dont play these games with him. Your poor new partner has been dumped for this awful man and then you picked things up again with him for this to happen.

I hope you seek help from one of the brilliant organisations you have been signposted to. You have put up with a lot and you've done the hardest thing already, you walked away. Please get help and dont let him continue to control your life. You can do it OP, if not for you then for yourself poor kids.

P.s. Well done for applying for the non-molestation order.

And please don't be pissed off at yourself, direct all of those feelings towards the one person who actually deserves it!

I have been in a similar situation.
Call the police first off and report it.
Second of all the police should put you in touch with a support worker who works with woman who have suffered abuse. They can help provide you with legal aid, put alarms on your windows, doors etc and will be there to support you.
Thirdly, record everything, write it all down, everything you can remember, things he has said, done etc. The chap your seeing may help you with things as you may find your brain tries to block out some of the trauma. I know I found it difficult to remember everything because there was so much.
Four. Contact CSA. By law he has to pay child maintenance. If he is working they can take it straight out of his wages.
Five. Freedom programme. Support worker will put you on this but I know there is a huge backlog due to covid.
Six. Google Grey Rock.
Severn. Contact woman's aid for more advice.
OP you are at war with this fucker. There is no reasoning with him. You have to make clear boundaries, show him you are strong and not afraid of him. Protect your babies and as hard as it is carry on as normal as you possibly can. This all has to be done legally. This guy doesn't give a crap a out you. It's about control. The more you break away the more he will try and tighten his control because he knows his is losing. Any hint of him coming to your house and kicking off, contact the police. It's all ammunition for court. It's a very unpleasant experience and there is always that fear you won't be believed which is why it's so important for your own sanity if anything that the police are notified, documented etc. Good luck OP. You can do it 💐

Please please report all this to the police. That is the only way you will get this to stop. Your new man won't want to stay around for too long if he's being threatened, and I wouldn't blame him. But more to the point - your children deserve better than this. It sounds like his 'threat' to never see them again would be the best outcome for them, as well as for you. Please report every incident to the police, to protect your children from him.