Completely screwed up haven't I

[cantevergetitright]

I've been friends with J for about 2 years. Initially we went on a few dates but there wasn't anything there. However, we stayed friends. Over past 18 months especially during lockdown we've both been really supportive over various things.

We've been really close and my feelings for him have become stronger but I never did anything about them.

Not long ago we started to become a bit distant, so I messaged to say I missed talking and he said yeah I do too and we met up for dinner and was great.

Turns out he had started seeing someone and hadn't told me. I only found out from a distant mutual friend. In all the time I've known J he has barely been on a date, and I know he's never even had a relationship. I thought we were really good friends and he wasn't even open to dating.

I told him that I knew he was seeing someone and was hurt he hadn't told me. No response. Then I did the stupidest thing ever of drunk texting him that since we had become really close my feelings towards him were more as friends. No response still.

I know I've been so stupid. I've probably lost a good friend and I just want to fix things but know I need to just step back and let it go. Not sure what I'm asking for but just feel so crap. Not even sure I do feel anything for him and it wasn't just projection he was being so nice.

You haven’t completely screwed up. You put it out there, which was really brave. At least now you know where you stand even though it wasnt what you wanted to hear. Better than pining for another two years only to find he doesn’t feel the same.

You may have lost him as a friend yes. But that may be for the best in the long run too. If you were wondering what could be with him, how could you move on and find someone who likes you in that way?

Be kind to yourself. Treat it like a break up even though you were friends but delete his number so you can’t drunk text again. You have your answer, and you’ll only feel worse the morning after.

Yeah I've already deleted his number so I can't do it again. Just feel a bit sad and deflated about it all.

It wasn’t kind of him to ignore you. If he really was a good friend he would have replied that he cares about you as a friend only and hopes you can still be friends.

I agree with @WillYouDoTheFandango. It was a brave thing you did. It really hurts now but you’ve saved time and avoided longer-term pain and disappointment in the long run.

I had a similar will we/won’t we situation with a good friend who chose someone else. I was very disappointed and it hurt a lot. I felt it intensely for about a month and then just got very busy and distracted and it carried me through. Met my now DH about 18 months later but was well over it before then. There was a slight awkwardness the first time we met again (that friendship group is all spread round the country but we met every few years at weddings etc (including his😀)) but it passed very quickly and the whole thing is just a source of memories which make me smile. It will take a bit of time but you’ll get there, OP.

I know it'll be okay with time and it'll hurt less and less. He's not the vindictive or nasty type, he hasn't got a nasty bone in his body, it's more likely he doesn't really know how to deal with it.

And I need to just leave well alone. Which is so hard.

I've been in a similar situation before and it does hurt.

He probably didn't reply because he doesn't know how to or feels a bit awkward. It was brave to admit your feelings for him. The best thing to do is step back and no contact. Him no responding in a way is a response. Its hard but also keeping in contact with someone you have feelings with but is with someone else can be equally as hard, if not harder.

Maybe one day you can be friends again but for now its better to leave it all alone

I just can't get out of my mind why on earth he wouldn't tell me. I thought we were close.

But need to stop mulling over it, I know, and just let things be. He knows where I am if he wants to talk.

You do need to step back, sorry, and I know that you know that you do!

You are (accidentally, and because he's been secretive) starting to wander into the realm of acting a bit oddly. Stop it now before you do something you really regret!

You're right, just give it some space for a bit. Let him text you back first. I'm sure he will just given a little time. It was weird he didn't tell you about his girlfriend, but you didn't have a right to know. Maybe he's just someone that compartmentalises. Maybe he just doesn't like talking about his romantic relationships with friends. Who knows! Hope you can get your friendship back on track up let him come to you first.

Also, you say he's never had a relationship before, so he probably doesn't really know how to handle all this stuff x

He didn’t tell you because he probably knows you have more feelings than a friend. This is painful but for the best that contact has dropped because you’ll have to drag yourself through a friendship where you want more but see him with someone else.

There could be a range of reasons why he didn't tell you. Maybe he knows you may feel something for him so didn't want to hurt your feelings, maybe he personally didn't feel you needed to know, maybe he hadnt got round to telling you yet, or maybe he hasnt really told anyone yet.

When i was in similar situation, turned out my friend hadnt really told anyone and wasn't ready to. It didn't last long.

May not be anything to do with you personally

I agree its not a good idea to mull over it (its hard though i know). If you want you can leave the door open for if he wants to speak to you in the future ..however for now its best to have space otherwise it will probably just make things alot harder

Thanks all. Yeah I know I just have to step back and leave things alone for now. Maybe in time he'll get in contact who knows. But for now just need to leave well alone.