Hi
I need some advice please.
I've been married for 20 years and have 2 teenage children. For the last 10 years my husband has suffered from ME and over that time the relationship has changed.
I've often been the one taking the kids out on my own because he doesn't feel up to it which is understandable but it's the change in the way that he has spoken to me and acted which has caused the friction.
He's always been super house proud and anyone who comes into the house always comments how tidy it is and how do we keep it this way. I like a tidy house too but am quite comfortable with a couple of plates and mugs out or the odd item out of place. We generally share chores i.e. me cooking, doing the shopping and him doing bills and bins etc. He would often say he is the one tidying up after everyone and has made comments such as after I'd been away for a few days 'The house is so much easier to keep tidy when you're not here, you're the problem' and 'the kids bathroom is a mess, have you seen it or are you oblivious?'
During Covid things fell apart more as he was very anxious about getting Covid which again I do understand but his views were qutie extreeme and I felt controlling. We were all very careful and whereas he limited most contact I would occasionally do things like have a work meeting with 4 people at a distance wearing masks or shop early occasionally when places were quite and wearing a mask. I got comments such as 'If you bring Covid back and it kills me, how will you feel'. or when I booked a routine hospital proceedure in a green hospital site with no cases which the consultant told me I should have due to family history and because it was delayed already due to covid I was told 'I can't believe we didn't discuss this and we'll have to see closer to the time' and one final straw for me was when he tracked me on the family tracker taking the kids into a shop at 9 am one morning and calling to say 'why am I putting them all at risk', we all had masks and were in and out within 5 mins.
His tone has been dismissive, condesending and I've felt pushed away for so long that I no longer feel close and just like a co-parent sharing a house. We've literally been living separate lives with him playing golf occasionally or me meeting friends and then living in the house.
I have recently told him how I feel and he is distraught at some of the comments I told him he'd said. He said his illness made him short fused and he couldn't always control his responses. It's also fair to say that he wasn't like this all the time but the comments about the house etc or me taking risks during covid (which I felt I wasn't) were fairly regular.
He is prepared to change and do whatever it takes to get things right but as this has gone on for so long I just don't feel as if I want the relationship back. I genuinely feel I love him and underneath all this he is a kind person who means well but I am no longer in love with him (that old chestnut). I care for him and want to make sure he's ok but I don't want the phsyical side back. However hard he tries I just don't see things in the same way I once did. I really worry about how the kids will take it if we do end things but they already sense things aren't right.
If any of you have been in this situation and not known which way to turn it would be good to have some thoughts.
Thank you