Has anyone divorced later in life when your children were adults? how did they take it?

[Ashleys63]

I've been unhappily married for years, decades even.
However, I have hidden it extremely well from my children and they would be genuinely shocked if I told them I was leaving their Dad.
I'm 58 and just don't think I can live what life I have left with someone I actually hate most of the time. I only stay out of the embarrassment I might bring to my adult children, two of whom are married with children of their own who we see regularly.
I just don't want to upset them as we have ( on the outside ) a good family life,
Just looking for any similar experiences.

They know OP, don’t kid yourself.

Please do it.Your children will be ok. Don't waste any more of your life. Make a solicitor's appointment.

I divorced when the children were teenagers. They understood very well that the marriage was unhappy even then. And as a child of unhappy parents I used to dream of them separating.

As JustThis said, they are probably wondering why you haven’t left already and would be horrified to think you were going to live your life in misery just to stop them being embarrassed. And if being embarrassed is the worst they are going to feel then for goodness sake leave and be happy.

I tell my mum to leave my dad.

You can't keep living your life for other people.

We were all adults when my parents divorced. It was a relief for everyone except my mother who was blindsided by a poison pen letter about my father's adultery.

To be honest, I think she was more embarrassed at having a failed marriage and acutely aware of the (perceived) loneliness in old age.

They never seem to like each other very much let alone, love. It wasn't a happy marriage but from the outside it probably appeared okay.

If I found out my Mum had stayed in a miserable marriage decades longer than she needed to, for my supposed benefit, the guilt would eat me up. But I would also be completely puzzled at how it was meant to benefit me, an adult.

In answer to your question, my DC were 19, 20 and 22 when I called time. They each reacted differently of course, and continue to do so 7 years later. They’re different people after all. But none of them would dream of wishing I had continued to struggle in a relationship that didn’t make me - or him - happy, for their sakes. It doesn’t make sense to do this. They are adults. Just keep it low-key and respectful if you can, and keep your DC out of it. It’s your life, not theirs.

When I finally found the courage to up and leave, DD 1, "why did you wait for so long?", DD2, "At last!", DS "You'll be fine, well done". After me having to clarify that, no, I hadn't left him for someone else and that they could visit my new home without giving me any notice to check up on me, if they needed to be reassured...He made up a "she's got a lover" story, even told a friend he knew who it was. I ended up asking for this person's details, so that I could at least get some benefit from his knowledge. Very happy now and my only regret is to not have left earlier.

I was 22 when my parents split in their late 40s. It was very sad and terribly painful at times but a lot of that was because my parents were people with poor emotional boundaries and they involved us in their drama too much. Ultimately i understood it was their marriage, their decision, and after a time they were able to be civil and "co-parent/grandparent" quite well. It in fact helped me do better in my own marriage.
Looking back I'm glad they did what was right for them, and i only wish they'd encouraged me to be less concerned with their emotional turmoil!

When I was 20 I told my father that he and my mother should divorce. I had known since I was young that they didn't have a "normal" relationship. I was happy when they finally did, as they both were so miserable and no child young or old should witness their parents so unhappy just for the sake of staying married.

Thank you all so much for your messages, really appreciate it.

This is horrific. You’ve been unhappy for decades. Your kids are adults with their own lives. Enough is enough. You are a parent, not a sacrificial lamb. Be low key, non dramatic, professional, no bad mouthing, no immediate blatant other man. Don’t start taking someone else to functions. If you see someone else nothing on social media. A year and a day until any other relationship comes to light. Get through all the big dates in the first year being seen to be single. The time to do this is now.

My mum and dad divorced when I was 26.

Dad had an affair. An absolute horrid thing for my dad to do but a blessing in disguise. They were miserable. Mum should have left him when I was a child.

As a child I knew they weren't happy.

I took the news badly but mainly because of dads affair.

A word of advice would be don't drag your children into it too much. I remember having long long talks with both my mum and dad after the separation.

Dad would say one thing and then I'd see my mum (sometimes on the same day) and mum would say the exact opposite dad said.

That's what messed with my head. Once the dust settled it was all ok.

Mum and dad are in their late 60's now, both have new partners now and are both much happier.

My DG left her husband when my DM and DU were in their 30's. Their response was mostly, "thank god for that".

@Ashleys63 what would tell your child if they came to you and told you they were utterly miserable in their marriage and hated their partner??

Apply the same advice to yourself.

I wish my mum had left my dad in her 40s or 50s, she is 70+ now and totally stuck with him.. it's really obvious to me as I've grown up that she's of the generation that were married for life no matter the life they get, she's amazing and smart and active and funny and the life is sucked out of her by the controlling man who is my father.

I can't change her life but I'd say to you your children will know and maybe happy for you.

My mum and dad should have split when I was about 14 or 15.

I’m 43 now and they’re still together, mostly miserable, both close to 70 years of age, and seem to have reached a level of unhappy that they can tolerate while still remaining together.

They have a significant wedding anniversary soon. Some years ago when my DH grandparents celebrated the same anniversary, DH made a speech at their celebration meal about how obviously still in love they were and how their marriage was something he considered a ‘blueprint’ to aim for. It struck me that I could not say the same about my own parents marriage. I won’t be able to even bring myself to wish my parents a happy anniversary or celebrate their X amount of years of marriage, it’s been more of an endurance effort that something to celebrate.

I just separated from my husband of twenty five years, I am 51 and have three kids 17, 20 and 23. I do not think they knew I was unhappy. We never fought loudly and I hid my disappointment well. They took it really well (so far). The youngest got upset a little and cried and had a conversation with me the next day to try to persuade me to give it another try. After a fairly long conversation where I tried to explain what is going on while at the same time not blaming her father, she never approached me with it again. At this point is seems like "life as usual" in our house. He moved out three months ago and we live in perfect harmony, my kids and I.

I know that people are different and kids are too, they will react differently. However, I strongly believe that their reaction depends a lot on how you are handling it. Like some other posters pointed out, try not to involve them in the drama at all. If you need to vent, get some counseling, meet with friends or family. They have to stay neutral to the whole situation. Also, try not to behave like its the end of the world, avoid using words that suggest it is a big tragedy, do not apologize or show that you are sorry for doing it. If they sense that you are unsure, that you feel guilty for doing it and such they will pick i up too. Sure you are sorry that this situation will cause inconvenience for them, but you have to appear certain that this is what you want and need. Stay calm and composed, do not show them too much of your emotions.