I guess I should start by saying I know the standard advice — I’ve given it so many times! But somehow it all feels different when it’s your emotions and your heart, you know?
Was with DP for 6 years. Generally we got along great, no bickering or arguing, no emotional abuse, no cheating (or at least I never once felt like he wasn’t 100% invested and I never felt anything less than 100% secure). The only problem we ever really had was logistical (not being able to live together for a multitude of reasons that would have sorted themselves out next year when kids go to high school). But we were both aware of that and making it work regardless.
We split up during lockdown for different reasons. Due to both having children we still kept separate homes (although spent 5 / 7 nights together), but with the homes being in different councils it was technically illegal to see each other. He was a keyworker so working all hours (and his life was somewhat “normal”) while I was WFH, trying to homeschool kids, watching my new successful business float down the pan. My ADHD was spiralling, my mental health was deteriorating, and at the same time his son sadly lost his mother. We both tried to “be there” for each other but it was just too much piled on, you know? So we parted ways as amicably as possible. I fully blame the lockdown and how it seemed to fuck absolutely everything up. I look back now and I don't recognise either of us.
Obviously things are slightly better now. I’m on medication which really helps with the ADHD and the low-level depression is gone and I’m slowly in the process of building the business back up. He’s in a routine with his son and they seem to be doing well. We’d been messaging each other casually every once in a while, sometimes he’d pop over for a cup of tea and catch up after work if the kids were away, that kind of thing. Mostly platonic and a bit flirty, clearly still very attracted to each other and the spark was still there, but we both still knew everything was a bit of a mess in our lives so nothing ever went further than a catch up.
A couple of months ago we both went a bit silent and it turned out we’d each met someone else. We both told each other, and both wished each other well. I think we both felt a bit emotional about it, but I felt like we probably had to get out of the limbo and at least attempt to move on. It turned out the guy I was seeing was a bit of a Peter Pan and I ended things with him. “DP” asked how it was going about a month ago and I was truthful - it wasn’t really working out. I ended things with the guy I was dating.
To cut a very long story short this seemed to spark “maybe we should get back” thoughts from both of us. I certainly realised how good we were, and how I'd struggle to find that again. It was just easy being together? Good laughs, good sex, just a genuinely good relationship. We were great until the lockdown, and we’re not in lockdown anymore? So we’ve been speaking. Flirty from his end, cooler from mine, because I was aware he was dating. Each time he asked to come see me I’ve said no, not until he ends it with the woman he’s dating.
Then on Friday night we had a massive heart to heart on the phone. Both agreed we really miss each other.
We’ve been messaging all weekend.
I suggest maybe he comes over for a proper talk next time kids are away so we can sort this and either move forward or go our separate ways. I know I had been saying no BUT there was also a big part of me that wanted to show him that I was doing good now? (And I am. I've never looked or felt better, the house is looking great, I'm really 'on top' of all my shit now which I wasn't during lockdown).
He agrees we need that, also says he would have come over last night if I’d text him back (I didn’t because I was having dinner and drinks with friends).
I feel like it’s all kinda falling back into place after the fucking horrendous 18 months this has been. I still love him and never really stopped, and I think if it wasn’t for that terrible year that would have broken a lot of couples, we’d still be together and we’d be just as happy as we always were.
I mention all this to a friend who looks him up on FB (I don’t use it and never really have) and says his “relationship status” changed.
Yesterday.
She sent me the “video” of the status change, from YESTERDAY, and all the comments saying how great they looked together and that “finally it’s out in the open” and how it had been a long time coming.
I was shaking. Felt absolutely sick. It hurt like being stabbed in the gut. I can’t remember the last time I felt anything close to what I felt seeing that post and reading those comments.
So it wasn't casual dating, it's a relationship. And it was made 'public' while he was making me think we were going to see if we could work it out and give it another go.
I don’t want to do the pick me dance but I’m fighting so hard not to do it.
I don’t want to add her on FB and send her screenshots of our messages from THE DAY BEFORE and THE DAY AFTER they made things “public” and “official”.
My adhd has always, always meant I just act on whatever emotion I’m feeling right this very second — fuck the consequences. I’ve had to fight against that really hard for as long as I can remember.
But I’ve taken my meds and I’m trying so hard to be… normal. It’s just really fucking hard you know? I’m devastated. All I can think about is messaging her because ridiculously, it feels like he’s mine and I feel cheated on! It feels like she's about to start living my life all happy without a clue. It's irrational and immature, I completely know this.
If anyone has got this far thanks for reading. I just needed to get it all out. I feel broken and a bit like a loose cannon right now 😞